Lessons Learned: A Collection of Thoughts

I have finally finished my first semester of graduate school, which is kind of ridiculous and crazy to think about. My first semester at a new university, with a new set of friends, new surroundings, new town, new part of Ohio for me to live in. A lot of "news." So, what have I learned in this first semester? Here's a list of some serious, and not-so-serious "lessons":

1. When moving in, one should have systematic order for unpacking boxes and organizing their contents.

2. At Kent State, it's important to order a parking pass approximately 6.894267 months before you will ever use it, unless you enjoy walking uphill in a blizzard.
3. Listening to worship music and praying while walking to campus can be a great way to spend a little time with Jesus throughout the day.
4. Somewhere around October, your body replaces the blood in your system with coffee.
5. Why order Papa John's, when Guys is less than a mile down the road?
6. Procrastination kills.
7. At some point, learning when to say "no" can save your life.
8. Northeast Ohio drivers are out to kill.
9. Always plan for technology to be a hater.
10. If BG Parking Services were considered Nazis, KSU Parking Services must be Fascists.
11. God likes sitting in on Research Methods courses. If you listen, He'll even weigh in His thoughts, too.
12. Cello strings are not harmless, they will attack.
13. Some students think the word "OPTIONAL" is written at the top of the syllabus. In light of this, I think I'd like to add, "Thou shalt obey mine commands." Just a suggestion, though.
14. Black squirrels are faster than brown squirrels. Nigh uncatchable.

15. The weather people in Northeast Ohio are pointless.
16. Keeping your office door shut, and one row of lights off is a useful for tricking students, and some professors, into thinking you aren't in your office.
17. Using hot pink staples in the stapler is not professional.
18. Sometimes it's okay to sound stupid in class, as long as you can reasonably defend what you just said. Key word: "reasonably"
19. Stand by what you believe in. This includes Jesus, the Bible, and the fact that you aren't writing a thesis.
20. The next time you consider BSing an assignment, remember what it feels like when you read your students' BSed work... because when you turn in that BSed assignment, your professor, too, will feel offended.
21. Chipotle is a reward, coffee is an essential.
22. If you forgot what being a college student is like because you were out in the field teaching, don't worry, you'll remember how to stay up half the night working on homework by the middle of the semester.
23. Unnecessary amounts of snow are constantly dumped on Cleveland. The only time 2+ feet of snow is ever useful is when it cancels classes.
24. College undergrads, even the most mature ones, will still act like 5th graders when armed with percussion drum sticks.
25. The rock stops to cellos/basses ratio and rosin to violins/violas ratio will NEVER be equal.
26. Wolf resistors are our friends.
27. Bach went to jail at least twice in his career, once for an incident that may have resembled a bar fight.
28. Josquin may have been a good looking man.
29. God LITERALLY will never leave you. He's always there. Always.
30. Keep your priorities straight. Keeping in communication with long-distance friends is always better than being a workaholic.

31. We will break more promises that we make to ourselves than I think we will break with others.
32. Getting more sleep will prevent one from running into doors.
33. Just because it's microwavable doesn't mean it's edible.
34. In 15 degree weather, heat is completely optional (according to College Towers).
35. Everyone has a God meter. How full is yours? When is it fullest? How do you refill?
36. Popping out papers is NOT the same thing as popping out babies.
37. Staying in close contact with great friends makes the long distance A LOT shorter.
38. A Golden Flash is a distressed brown bird, and a Zip is a kangaroo.
39. It's okay if you miss a day at the rec, as long as you don't use the elevator the next day going from classrooms on the 1st floor to offices on the 3rd floor.
40. Bassoon reeds are cool!
41. The Zephyr does NOT have a tree in the middle of their establishment, only an outdoor patio with a tree next to it.
42. The BG Falcons may not be that great at football, but at least they're not as bad as Akron!
43. Clear, direct communication is essential the first time, even if it means losing a good friend.
44. Practicing multiple instruments post-undergrad is A LOT harder than it sounds. A LOT.
45. God will answer our prayers, but it's usually never in the way we expect. When we learn to stop trying to control our lives and God, we can better appreciate and enjoy God's answers and blessings.
46. Even though a college town, nothing in Kent is EVER open as late as it is in Bowling Green.
47. Voldemort has a wife. And she teaches music.
48. When writing any paper longer than 5 pages, make sure you pick a topic that you know you will enjoy, and some topic out of convenience. That bites you in the butt in the end, too.
49. God never promises to take us out of anything, but if we're there, He promises to get us out, and to use it for His glory. He WILL get the glory, in the end.
50. Beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive.
51. Yes, you can play that high on a violin. Unfortunately.
52. Northeast Ohio in the fall is absolutely beautiful.

53. Bang! is addictive.
54. Rock, paper, scissors always settles who gets to answer the office phone.
55. Be careful, if you think you stand firm. The devil is out prowling around like a lion.
56. When we're the weakest, Jesus is the strongest. Meaning, when He shows up and prevails in our lives and works our weakness for His glory, there is literally no other explanation except through His mercy, grace, and love.

Oh, I'm sure there are others... but those are probably some of the bigger ones. After reading some of those it makes one wonder: What will I be learning next semester?

Does it REALLY matter?

I know, I know. You're staring at the page thinking, "How can this girl post a blog at a time like THIS?" Yes, when I have an impending 20 page paper, more homework, and papers to grade, I'm writing a blog. Why, you ask? Because, my research book has made me, once again, realize what I'd RATHER be doing after I get out of grad school.
In this week's chapter, the author is urging music teachers to utilize research in the classroom to better the educational system. He says that through conducting our own research and implementing the research we read, we could change the course of education in this country. That's a pretty weighty statement, if you ask me. While that may be true, that the research done in the field of music education concerning teaching methods, assessment and evaluation, learning, perception, practice habits, cognition, etc. could very much change music education in many beneficial ways, I can't help, but think of an even bigger and better change.
As I'm also reading this, I'm also seeing this movement on Facebook to "change your profile picture to your favorite cartoon character or past favorite cartoon character to raise awareness about child abuse." A friend of mine posted in his status that he didn't understand why everyone was changing their pictures for the weekend, when the majority of these people probably haven't given a second thought to how they can donate their time and resources to actively taking a part in fighting child abuse. In posting this status update, he's hoping to challenge people to do something, to actively taking a part in providing social justice. As I began thinking about what I could do, again, I couldn't help but think of an even bigger and better way to help - an even bigger and better change.
I want to be Jesus to people. To help them see His light and love and mercy and grace. Let's be honest for a second, if you truly know and follow Christ, your whole life changes. You no longer live for yourself, but for Him, and His people. When I think about all the things I could be doing, whether it's devoting all my extra time to fighting child abuse, or becoming a music teacher and taking an active part in implementing and conducting research, becoming active in politics in the hopes of seeing educational reform... I can't help but think that I can do something more. Thinking about things like this reminds me of a former youth pastor of mine, whose life quote was:

"My greatest fear in life is not to fail, but to succeed in something that does not matter for Christ."

All those things that I COULD be doing... would I be succeeding in ANYTHING for the cause of Christ? Just as important to ask: am I even PASSIONATE about any of that stuff? To be honest, where teaching is concerned, I almost couldn't care less about whether or not I'm used newly researched methods and techniques to teach my children music or not! Honestly, it's not even a part of my teaching philosophy! My philosophy of teaching, and my concerns in teaching, deal with providing children a form of expression so they may be able to express themselves when words just aren't enough, a way to see beyond their surroundings - their "world", and to see the bigger picture of life. But even then, knowing that is what I'm passionate about, if I succeed in those things, will all that matter in the cause of Christ? Certainly, it could help. But then again, I know many people who are very expressive, who think about the "big picture", the world as a whole, and yet have hard hearts toward Christ.


This is what I want to change. This is what I care about. This is what I'm PASSIONATE about. I'm most passionate about high school and college students coming to know the God I know, my Jesus who loves them SO MUCH HE DIED, and to see that there is SO MUCH MORE to life than living day to day, than the carnal living this world provides. And in the end, once this is grasped, a whole and eternal love affair with the God of the universe, EVERYTHING ELSE WILL CHANGE. We can't truly know and be in a relationship with Christ without Him turning our every value, thought, and our entire world as we know it upside down. That's what He came for! If I can lead people to Him, storm the gates of hell and bring Heaven with me, then I think all these other issues would begin to change. As people come to know Christ, they see the madness, the mess that is our world, and they can't help but be passionate to change it. That's what I'm passionate about. Leading people through the gates of Heaven to our Savior, that they may see the world through His eyes, and share this passion to change the world.

Teaching Unconditional Love

I once met a wise professor, Dr. Peter Boonshaft, from New York, who told me, "You teach as much of what you know as who you are." The teaching moment and practical application of this is that generally, somewhere along the way in our teaching, what we think, value, feel, and believe will eventually show up in something, somewhere, at some point. I think there's something to be said of this in life as well, with our day to day interactions with others. It's important to understand our actions, as well as be aware of others.

In general, sometimes I find it really hard to believe in the unconditional love of human beings. I think I've felt this way from the time I was a little girl; the only difference being that today I am experiencing God's unconditional love, therefore I know that if someone is completely lost in His love, unconditional love is possible. From the time I was little, after my parents' divorce, I think anytime they got upset and angry, or were cross with me, anytime I did something wrong and was punished, I thought they didn't love me anymore. That even rang true up through the last few years as well; when we would get into fights I felt like I was more a burden than anything to them. Then, there were my friends when I was younger. There "love" was completely conditional; I was only wanted when it was convenient, when nothing or no one better could be found. Anytime I got into a fight with a friend, I knew I was no longer loved. Every time a fight occurred, my friends and I wouldn't speak to each other for days; there was a lot of whispering behind my back, mean words were said, then eventually it'd all be over and we'd go back to being friends. They seemed to think everything was normal again, but I was always walking on eggshells, trying to understand what I had to do to make up for it, what I could do to re-gain their friendship and "love". Whether with family or friends, anytime something happens, I feel like I'm a burden, probably unwanted, and that I need to DO something to make up for... to earn love again.

I know I definitely used to feel that way about God. The unfortunate thing about aging (well, there's a lot of unfortunate things, but one of them...) is that the sins we commit become more complicated (not worse, for God says all sin is equal, meaning there is no hierarchy). When that happens, even in the recent years, I've definitely had my share of times where I've made my promises to God, I've cried and asked Him what I need to do to make it up, I've strived harder and harder to be cleaner. Which usually just results in me falling on my face in the mud again. 

We can't ever "earn" love. Not God's, not man's. First, and most importantly, God clearly says there's nothing we can do to "earn" His love. We already have it, if we only reach out and take His gift of free and eternal love. Second, if we ever think that we have "earned" another human's love, or are told we have, we should be super-wary of it. Love is a gift, one that cannot be earned. If we've ever "earned" another's love, it's only counterfeit, and not the real thing. The real thing is a free gift bestowed to us. We cannot truly understand FREE LOVE until we understand God's love for us.

Knowing this, in life we really do "teach as much of what we know as who we are". In every interaction with another human, every conversation, every time we're with our friends and family. We as humans, though we use the word "objectively" quite liberally, cannot do much of anything "objectively". Sure, maybe with an open and receptive mind, but I feel that to be completely "objective" one would have to completely flush his own experiences, values, beliefs, Truths and lies from his heart and mind. We bring our experiences to the table in our interactions with each other, in everything we do. Sure, we may say one thing, but more often than not, our actions and nonverbal cues will give away what we are really thinking, what we really believe.

This is really important to the conduct of our daily lives. But, it is also important in how we perceive others. Let's say I'm in a conversation with someone and they keep giving me one-word answers, and are short with me. As I said before, I've struggled with fully knowing and understanding that I can be unconditionally loved by another human being. That being said, if I don't understand the "free love" of God, and that we also "teach who we are", when someone is short with me, or sends me a message in which I perceive annoyance, I will more than likely wonder what I did wrong to that person, and question our relationship. However, if I DO understand these things, then I understand that it's possible that in the above conversation I may have touched a spot of unresolved conflict, a lie of the devil that has not been replaced with the Loving Truth of Christ, etc., which may have elicited the short answers, and negative attitude. I am seeing this person with the open eyes of Christ, and understanding that they are not personally attacking me or out to withhold their love from me as a punishment, but are instead reacting in pain.

Unconditional love is: opening up your heart and life and handing over your trust
to 20 strangers just after meeting them, then spending your entire summer with them.

While I still at times struggle with knowing I am unconditionally loved by humans, I am coming to understand it more and more each day through Christ. As Christ shows me time and again that he doesn't care what I was or what I did or what happened in my past, I am coming closer to understanding that those who truly love me also do not and will not care about who I was, only who I am, and who I will be, and Christ continues to mold and shape me. That has been big fear of mine: that one day I will tell someone truly close to me who I was before Christ cleansed me, and will only be seen for who I was, not who I am now, or who God is creating me to be, and then that person will walk away from me. But, God has been showing me what unconditional love really is, slowly, day by day. Helping me to understand that after setting my trust firmly in Christ, that I next have to open myself up to trust others with my fragile heart and life, and that if others do not love me unconditionally, that it is because they are looking through their own experiences, rather than through Christ.

Matthew::Revisited

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." 

-Matthew 5:3-9

 I can remember reading this passage of the Beatitudes when I was in middle school, and thinking, "What in the world do these (the bolded words above) mean? What is Jesus talking about here?!" 

Fast forward to when I started college at BGSU, when I read this again, and thought, "Okay, I think I get it, Jesus. But, I'm the complete antithesis of what you're talking about here. All these words (the bolded words above) I am the exact opposite of. How do I become those?" 

Okay... and fast forward again, to about a year and a half ago: "Okay, Jesus, I'm getting there. But, why would I mourn? Peacemakers? Exactly how do I go about being a 'peacemaker'? And pure in heart... Jesus, I'm so scarred and messed up in that area; I'm not sure I'm ever going to be 'pure in heart'."

After a summer of continually seeking God day after day, of allowing the Spirit to lead me, of hearing the gentle words of Jesus pure and clear, and after close to a semester in grad school... I really do FINALLY understand this passage of Scripture. Not only do I understand it... I FULLY know what the bolded words mean; for I AM THE BOLDED WORDS! Now understanding, here's what these words mean to me personally:

Poor in spirit: To literally understand and acknowledge my spiritual poverty.

Mourn: This could mean different things, but to me, mourning the fact that I have grieved the Holy God with my sin, mourning all those who walk around college campuses that are lost and searching for temporary "solutions" to life's longings.

Meek: Humble; to recognize how tiny and small I am compared to the "bigness" of God; to recognize how little my life's trials matter in the "big picture" of life (basically, the world needs to revolve around God, not me).

Hunger and thirst for righteousness: This one is so big! I long for justice, I long for equality; in what I have gone through and been going through this semester in the School of Music I now know what it means to want righteousness so much that you hunger and thirst for it.

Merciful: Forgiveness; mercy is to not get what you do deserve. I am a big believer now in "second chances" (or fiftieth chances... or even seventy times seven chances!). I deserved for Jesus to completely turn His back on me; I deserved death! But instead, He offered me life, a second chance. How, then, can I not offer someone a "second chance" (or again, seventy times seven).

Pure in heart: FINALLY! Because of my sinful past, it's been really hard to grasp this, or that I could ever be described as that. Because of the grace and forgiveness and healing God has given to me, this is now a topic I am completely PASSIONATE about when talking to women. Pure in heart encompasses the spirit/soul, the mind, and the heart/emotions, as well as the physical. I'm there! Freedom and understanding of this is so beautiful.

Peacemakers: Those that look to end strife; who restore. At times I have been a part of this, but I think this can also encompass those that long for peace, and who strive to live at peace as much as it is possible, and speak peace.

As I read these things tonight, at the height of my stress level for the semester (and, quite possibly life; I'm not sure I've been this stressed in my young 22 years of life), I am taking comfort in knowing that I finally understand, and God has called me "blessed". I pray to continue to sacrifice everything to Jesus, in order to only better understand these things, as I am refined to be who He has created me to be, in His image.

Music Education and Cinderella are related

You know, when I finally leave the School of Music, when I put away all my homework and readings, when I leave all the work that I have to do behind... I can finally see again why I wanted to teach music. But, it's only after I get rid of all that.
There's something tragic about the Graduate level of Music Education. Once you leave behind the clinical approach to undergraduate study, and enter the graduate world, you enter this entire world of research and philosophy. And honestly, it's a little grotesque. Don't get me wrong, it's great that people want to study and find ways to more efficiently teach children, and to understand why certain things happen in music teaching that may lead to positive or negative effects. But, when I finally remember what it is about music that's so special to me, I can finally see the devastating effects that all of this unbalanced research in my life is having. The majority of what I do right now is read research reports, and philosophical writings about music.
To me, music has a powerful and mysterious quality about it. It frees my soul and opens it up in such a way that I can clearly hear God when He speaks. Music helps to slightly lessen the burden I carry in life. Music speaks the emotions I cannot verbalize (both instrumental and the lyrics to songs). It helps me connect to nature, which are two of the primary ways in which I connect with God (music and nature). This is why I play so many instruments. To express the deep and intense emotions I cannot verbalize, to speak to God in such a way when words just won't do. There's just something about music that gets to me, that God has woven into the core of my being, my DNA.

When trying to explain how constantly reading research and philosophical writings about music education, and having all of my practice time on my instruments vanish before my eyes due to the constant demands of the assistantship and overly large workload, this was the best I could come up with.



Yes, that is from Disney's Cinderella. The original picture I came up with was some beautiful bird having its feathers plucked out one by one... but I think this scene from Cinderella relates more to a person's feelings.
But, I literally feel like I'm dissecting something mysterious and special. Which, when that happens, leaves absolutely no room for mystery. I watched "Next" this past weekend. Look it up, it's pretty good, minus the line he says to Jessica Biel (which first, to Jessica Biel, is gross and ridiculous... they're 20 years apart!) about "It may be a week or a month, or a year, but if you wait, I'll find you." (not the exact words, but close enough to the cheesyness that was used). Anyway, Cage plays a guy that can see 2 minutes in the future, and refuses to help the FBI. When questioned by Biel as to why he's not helping them, he responds by saying that all the mystery would be gone.

"Every once in awhile what we think is magic is the real deal hiding behind a $50 trick, because the alternative is impossible for others to live with."

Although not as closely linked to my argument as the Cinderella analogy, I think music can be somewhat related. I think the only difference is that music is not hiding, it's out there, and we know of its mystery and power tied to our emotions and souls, but it's like we have to prove that it's all science. It's all part of this brain chemical or that reaction... thus reducing the mystery to science. I honestly think that it's impossible for the elitists out there to live with mystery. It's the same with Christianity and our belief of the Bible, God, and Jesus, and the scientist's resolution to prove that every mystery of God is nothing more than a brainwave or chemical reaction (or a Big Bang, in a few cases).

Or my other favorite, in the case of the music elitist, not only do they write all this research, but they have all these philosophical discussions. One of my "favorites", as of late, is the philosophical discussion about what music is and isn't, and the definitions of aesthetic and musical value. Just in case you don't feel like reading all of these, let me summarize for you that the majority ONLY discuss "classical" music (classical is used here to mean any orchestral, band, or choir music). The majority of our music elitist friends never discuss the folk, rock, blues, etc. music played in bars, at county fairs or fruit/vegetable festivals, or on the streets informally. The majority of these informal gatherings, at least this is what I'm sensing and feeling from all of this, are considered "amateur". And, if discussed at all, they seem to be looked down upon, which means they might not be considered "music" by our philosophical music elitist friends.
Funny how that is, because those types of music are probably what the majority of at least the American population comes into contact with than the classical symphonic band, orchestra, or choir. And our incorrectly deemed "amateur" forms of music possibly speak to the human soul just as much and more than the classical symphony at times. Yet, somehow it's either never mentioned or thrown in the "not music" category by the philosophical music elitist.

I think my biggest question, that often goes unanswered and leaves me feeling quite a bit of angst each week as I have to read more philosophy and research articles, is why can't we just be okay with mystery in our lives? Why can't we just appreciate the mystery that exists in our lives, rather than feeling a need to completely dissect it and tear it apart?

Lessons from the School of Jesus

Here we go, more rambling on what God is teaching me. Although "rambling" may not be the best word choice for these sorts of posts, it's the best one I can come up with. Reason being that God does not speak when we want Him to, and He does not always give us the answers that we want, when we want them. Therefore, at least as it happens with me, God chooses to speak to me at some of the most unexpected and random times. It's unexpected in the times and events that God chooses to speak to me, but I guess that's when I'm the most open and receptive for Him to speak to me, and for me to hear Him.
It just so happens that a lot of that happened this weekend. This weekend I'm pretty sure I learned that God has changed me more in the last year than I could have possibly realized. In fact, I'm almost positive this is an on-going process, in which I'm going to continue to discover just how much God has changed me in the last year, between my senior year of undergrad at BGSU and my current graduate student status at KSU.

So, this weekend, after my KSU Orchestra dress rehearsal I drove through at least 2 tsunamis (it seemed that way, anyway) to get to BGSU. Okay, how ridiculous is it that after getting on I-75 from I-80, I start crying my eyes out over the familiarity of seeing Perrysburg and... CORNFIELDS! I generally dislike the flat nature of cornfields... but I was CRYING over the FAMILIARITY of seeing CORNFIELDS! This is big. I'm pretty sure this is God. There's no other way I would like cornfields... I'm from Cincinnati... we have trees and hills... similar to this Northeast Ohio thing.

Okay, another weird thing was that I had to allow others to serve me this weekend. For those of you that aren't aware, God has wonderfully gifted me in the area of being passionate about hospitality: opening my home up to others, holding hang-outs/gatherings/fellowship times (really, whatever you want to call them) at my place, feeding people and cooking for them, cleaning. Other than cleaning a little of my own apt. before leaving this weekend, when I got to BGSU I had to allow other people to take over this role. It was a little odd, but I have to say, that on occasion, being on the other end is kind of nice, I guess. I think the sweetest part was seeing other people in H2O step up and take over the role that Sarah and I once had.

Me, Sarah, and Jasmine at Taco Bell on some random Night of Mayhem we planned last year.

And now, to the learning part. While at BGSU this weekend I realized there are a number of things I'm now super-passionate about that, previously, I was so against, I would've fought you to defend how against them I was. Here's a few things:

• Cornfields (as previously discussed)
• Small town living (well, as long as it's near a city... like BG is near Toledo)
• Women's Ministry
• GCM Staff (these last two have previously been discussed in other blogs)
• Friendships outside of my comfort zone
• Getting to know new people, and taking initiative to meet people

These are just a few of the practical things. Paul Standinger, who used to counsel and mentor me during my first few years at BGSU, got a good laugh out of this when I told him on Sunday. When we used to meet, he used to talk to me about how H2O could definitely use me and the importance of some of the above things... of course, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with them. When I told Paul on Sunday he said, "I had a feeling. It's one of those things where you just laugh and say, 'Oh really? That's okay, Jesus will change that.'" How true that is.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned last year, and am now re-learning because my sinful, forgetful human self happens to have already forgotten it, is that you can't take things personally when other project their past hurts and pain onto your current relationship with them. For example, last year, I can remember having a few conversations at Grounds in BG with my mentor, the amazing Jill Beebe, about my cooperating teacher's general attitude toward me. She discussed with me how it is possible for a person to have been hurt in the past and project that onto how they interact and treat you. I think this summer, through talking and discussing Theophostics with the amazing Macie Gonzalez, I better understood how this happens, through seeing what that looks like in my own life, and that I am just as much at fault for these things as well.
Currently, I am in a class and am working as a graduate assistant for a professor in which many of the same things are occurring. And, while pointing out at length with several people the striking similarities between the way my cooperating teacher treated me, and the way this professor treats and interacts with me, I never took the time to see that the same issues (the projection of past pains and hurts) could be the reason for my problems with this professor. Being in BGSU this weekend reminded me of all the pain I went through with my cooperating teacher last year, and gave me time to seek God out and allow Him to speak to me about these two relationships. It was in God speaking me, that He reminded me that we often allow our past experiences to dictate our emotions and reactions in our present relationships. Between this and Rob Warren's message on Sunday (their would be a link here to it, if H2O was up on posting the messages/talks) about Matthew 7:1-6 and how we need to let go of our pride and condemnation of others, that I honestly was able to let go and see these teachers as human beings with pain, hurt, and feelings. God reminded me that He loves these individuals, no matter how they treat others, and that Jesus died for them, too. Once I saw this, and realized it, my attitude has completely changed. I may not like the class I'm in, or the work I do associated with this professor, but I am called to continually forgive each and every time something happens, and to love this person. It's definitely going to be hard, especially because I am a young, sinful, and forgetful human... but it's definitely something I want to be better at, with the help of God.

Another huge lesson I'm learning is concerning confidence in myself. A few years ago, during my first year of LT, with the help of Jesus and Andrew Bruner allowing God to use him, I regained confidence in myself as a musician. However, because I am a musician (and a violinist at that!), I am often a very performance-driven person. I try to condemn myself, and make promises that I'll fix things, do things, etc. before anyone else can condemn me, or write me off as a failure. However, oftentimes I'm finding that I'm usually the only one writing myself off as a failure, as under-performing, under-achieving, missing the mark, messing things up, etc. This is probably most evident in the fact that I go to the professors I'm working for constantly apologizing for not doing enough or something, and then, instead of hearing the words of condemnation I'm expecting, I hear words of encouragement and praise for doing the amount of work I am doing, for taking extra time and care to make sure things are organized, done well, recorded efficiently, and for caring about the students I work with (according to the professors, more than I probably should). In Rob's message this weekend about attitude he asked the questions, "How does God see you? What has He done for you on the Cross?" and then pointed out, "We forget that we don't have to stand condemned. No one does." Of course, the last remark was made in reference to how much we tend to judge and condemn others, forgetting that because of the Cross, no one has to stand condemned, therefore, we should help others, rather than condemning them. Well, I think that about seals it for my own self-condemnation. Of course, I should expect some conviction if I'm under-performing, but if you've talked to me even once in the last 2 months, I'm pretty sure under-performing is the last thing I'm doing. Learning that I can be confident that I am continually learning, even if that means learning from mistakes, and that I can have confidence that God has redeemed me and has pardoned me and granted me mercy and forgiveness for my mistakes is huge! I'd like to imagine what life would be like if I could continually remember these things, but I can't! All I can think is, if I were to continually remember these things in everything I did, I would probably feel a lot freer. I think sometimes I like to put myself back in chains, secretly. However, God's taken those chains off, and freed me, and maybe if I lived that way, I could experience the complete freedom God has given me in Christ.

One last thing God MAJORLY spoke about this weekend. As some of you may know, I have been praying about whether or not God is leading and calling me toward GCM Staff. This weekend, God has said that as I am praying about this, and listening to Him, that the lessons He has and wants to teach me through my experiences in graduate school are important in training me for the potential of GCM Staff. The things He has to teach me, and what He wants to change in my life, are things that would otherwise hinder me from working with other staff and students full-time, and even in the support-raising process. He is refining me in the fire, to get out all the impurities. Because I have at least a year and a half, before I would start down the road of applying for GCM Staff and preparing for that, I am still praying about this, because it is such a major decision. I am praying for God to speak clearly, give me an insatiable desire and passion for this, and to refine this calling in the next 7-8 months of the school year. My hope and prayer is that by next fall I will have a clear and refined calling, and will then start the process of meeting more frequently with H2O staff and talking more to my parents about this. Currently, my parents just want me to stay in graduate school and finish, so the plan is to talk to them about post-graduate options closer to the time I actually graduate. That, and I want to be completely sure of God's refined and definite calling to GCM Staff before presenting it to them.

Anyway, there's probably a lot more I could ramble on about right now, however, these are some of the big and major lessons God has taught me in the last week, and especially during this weekend.

Notes from a Graduate Student

I know I once posted to my Facebook some notes from my undergraduate Astronomy class, that I'm sure everyone by now has read. If you haven't, they were quite entertaining.
This time, however, is different.

In the last two weeks, I've had to do a lot of reading (in general, between my 3 classes I'm taking, I'm assigned to read 150 pages a week) about Philosophy in Music Education. This, in general, is probably not the best thing for me to be reading right now. Why, you ask? For starters, I'm already in the unstable position of asking God why He sent me to graduate school, when my heart's huge and most passionate desire is to go for staff with Great Commission Ministries (preferrably at Bowling Green, unless God puts in me an insatiable desire to go somewhere else). Let's also consider that generally, Philosophy in Music Education encompasses one's values and beliefs for teaching music. These values and beliefs guide how a teacher teaches music, and why they're even in the profession in the first place.
That being said, I've definitely be questioning God about graduate school more than ever! So, without further interruption, here are some notes from my graduate classes:

Foundations of Music Education

• I feel that music is valuable, but you don't need to be in a music class to feel its power or see its value in your life. (Uh oh, it's not looking good. See next question.)
• So why is teaching music important to me? Why did I choose this instead of math or english or science or history?
• My philosophy, purpose, and overriding life goals, passions, and understanding have little to do with music. And everything to do with living a life of purpose, on purpose, completely content and fulfilled in God's neverending love and grace.
• My purpose, reasoning, and philosophy for being a music educator, I realize, can be carried out in a much more meaningful way in a more lasting context. (BAM! And there it goes...)

As for why I'm in Graduate School... well, as many of you know, I'm in this Research in Music Education class that's been giving me the toughest time. This is about to be the craziest thing (or most amazing thing), but God SPOKE to me during Research class last night! Here's the DL:

Written at the top of my notes for the night, also highlighted:

• "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change."
• "Do not speak, unless spoken to."
• "Do not defend ANYTHING."

If I've told you about this class, even once, you know why those were there. Now, during this particular class last night, I was consciously questioning God as to why I had to sit through this. At one point, I was so overcome with how pointless this class was to my life's goal, that I was about to gather my things, stand up, and just leave. Then God spoke:

"Kristen, you can't get up and walk out of here, yet. I'm not finished. I am still working to prepare you for this. The trials you are now going through have a purpose in the preparation. Look to Me. Talk to Me. Let Me guide you. We'll journey together in this."

Dang, that was powerful! I can't even totally describe to you just how clear that was, but it was crystal clear in the middle of the professor talking. God proved to me last night exactly what Paul said in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Let's do this God! Let's journey together! I know it's definitely hard to look to God in the midst of the crap we sometimes go through, but listen for His crystal clear voice. Because if you do, He's going to guide you through the dark and tangled forest, and lead us out into the view of His Majesty!

My Story: Unedited, Middle School - It's To Die For

So last time, I think we left off somewhere around middle school. Oh joy. In case you're just now joining us, below is the same short disclaimer from the first post about my life. Just so you the rules.
You may ask me questions about my life story, but you may not condemn me or punish me for it. The important thing to remember here is firstly, this is my story. It is my outlook and views on the events in my life, both as perceived by me, and as revealed by God. Second, it's in the past. It's also important to remember that God is continuing to change us, and offers us grace for our screw-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, and failures. That being said, no matter what I share, you should know that I don't regret a single thing that makes up who I am. Because, as God as revealed in His Word, we must be broken in this lifetime in order to make us beautiful in this lifetime, and prepare us for the surpassing beauty we will have in the next life as the Bride of Christ.

So where were we? Oh, yeah. Starting middle school was a rough and interesting experience. This is about the time girls and guys start realizing that the opposite sex probably doesn't have cooties, like they thought when we were in elementary school. That being said, I never really felt pretty enough. I had nerd classes, and I was still the smartest in the class. I was generally looked over, and occassionally made fun of. We also started playing instruments during this time. I wasn't really that great at violin, I was better at clarinet and trumpet, and I actually wanted to play the cello... but somehow, I'm not sure (to this day, I think it was God), I ended up picking violin at the last minute on some sort of a whim. That lead to more teasing by a lot of the guys in our classes... it was great, hearing talks and getting threats to burn my violin (because it's wood, it obviously burns faster than any brass instrument).

During the 5th and 6th grades there was a lot of fighting between my mom, stepdad, and me. A lot of times I would talk about wanting to live with my dad, because we didn't fight. One night my mom tossed a suitcase to me, told me to call my dad, and leave. That was a rather hard experience. Rather abruptly, in 2 weeks, I had moved out of my mom's house and into my dad's, and transferred schools. I went to a school where I only knew the girl across the street, and left behind all of my friends back in Dayton. So now, not only was I "not pretty enough" and "nerdy", I was also alone and the odd one out, because I didn't know anyone or have friends. Around this time, my dad was dating my now stepmom. This was actually exciting; I really liked her and my now 2 older stepbrothers and 1 younger stepsister.

At the end of my 6th grade year, my dad remarried, and we moved from close to downtown away to Mason, where we now live. After this happened, our family went on the youth retreat to Myrtle Beach, SC. My dad was the youth pastor at this time, and my brothers and I were all in the youth group. This was my first youth retreat, and I was one of the youngest ones. At first, I wasn't into going to all the services, and didn't go to the first few. But, after another girl convinced me that they were "cool", I decided I'd go. They actually ended up being a lot of fun, and I understood the message. For most of my life up to this point, I had always thought I'd go to Heaven because my dad was a youth pastor. But, on the Thursday night of this youth retreat, I remember the pastor speaking, and it all sort of clicked. I was this broken, messed up kid that fought with her parents, and cussed like a sailor at school, and generally felt angry all the time, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to erase these things and earn God's love. I wanted to go forward when the preacher gave the first invitation, but of course, was scared of what people would think, so I stayed where I was. Then, the pastor said, "I know some of you are still sitting there, too afraid to get up. I'm going to count to three, and then we'll all stand together, scared, and come forward." He did that, and my brother's best friend went forward. I'm not sure why this was so significant to me, but it was. Then, when he gave another invitation, I went forward and joined a circle of people from our youth group praying, and told God, "I'm am messed up. I need you to forgive me for being so dirty and angry. For cussing all the time, and fighting with my parents. I want to be clean. Please live in me. Make me clean. Love me in spite of all this." After praying, I told our other youth pastor I had accepted Christ, and was immediately dragged over to my father who started hootin' and hollerin' and swinging me around... the exact thing I didn't want to happen. But there it was, I had finally understood Jesus and who He was, and why He really walked on earth. Also during this week, my younger sister and stepdad had accepted Christ and been baptized. My dad baptized me at the end of that summer in a pool during a youth event.

So, I had accepted Christ. I truly understood Him, believed what He did was true and real, and had asked for His forgiveness, mercy, and love upon my life. However, I still didn't know what it looked like to be true disciple and follower of Christ. I would say that I had accepted Him, but wasn't truly following Him until years later.
After 6th grade, I moved back in with my mom, because Mason didn't have an orchestra, something I'd fallen in love with, and to be back with my friends. I also started attended my mom's church more, and my dad's church less, because I was closer in age to most everyone in the youth group there and felt more accepted. It was an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church, whereas my dad's church was Nondenominational, with affiliations to the Cincinnati Baptist Association and Southern Baptist Convention. I'm not knocking denominations, as long as you're doctrinally sound and lining up with God's Word in the Bible, that's what REALLY matters here. At the time, I thought this Indepedent Fundamental thing was where it was. However, I had a hard time understanding the Bible, because they only believed in using the King James Version. I had to go out and get different clothes to hang out with this youth group all the time, because of the belief that girls had to wear skirts all the time to church, and when hanging out, had to have shorts that went past the knees; it seemed like jeans around church for girls was a sin. But, that's where I felt the most comfortable, and like I fit in for the most part. I had friends at church there, something I felt I didn't have as much at my dad's church due to age differences.

The school life. I spent a lot of 7th and 8th grade hanging out with friends, practicing, and locking myself away from my family in my room. I always felt sad, and/or angry, but at the time, couldn't tell you why. My parents began have differences about money and child support, and I was right in the middle of it. At school, I was losing one group of friends I'd had since 5th grade due to popularity, and was starting to make friends with people in the orchestra. It was a lot of change. During the 8th grade, I was getting way involved in my mom's church, had made a lot of friends, and hung out with them all the time. We generally hung out on the weekends, and a lot of events happened on the weekends I was supposed to be with my dad. I was also getting more into colorguard, which had practices and tryouts on the weekends. Many times, I had to give things up, or say no, because it was my "dad's weekend" and I had to go to Cincinnati. I started practicing my violin more and more, and staying locked up in my room a lot when I was at home.
This all came to a breaking point one weekend. I was already upset over the way my friends were treating me or ignoring me, feeling unpretty, ugly, nerdy, and out of place, along with intense feelings of sadness, confusion, and depression I couldn't begin to explain. I felt like it was my fault I didn't have friends, and I felt like it was my fault my parents were fighting. There was a weekend when colorguard tryouts were happening, and our youth group was doing a lot of things I wanted to be a part of. It was a weekend I was supposed to be with my dad. I had called him and asked if I could stay for the weekend to be a part of all this and was met with a stern, "no" multiple times. Finally, I called on Friday night and simply said I wasn't coming down, because I wanted to do this stuff. My mom felt I was old enough to decide what I wanted to do with my weekends (I was 13), but my dad didn't feel the same way. He called a few times and yelled, and then tried to drive up to Dayton to pick me up. My mom talked to him on the phone a few times, and during it all, I locked myself in the basement, turned on some U2 and the Eagles and A Perfect Circle (I was into that stuff back in the day) and did some good old-fashioned AOL chatting with some friends. I started thinking that maybe my friends be better without me; maybe my parents would quit fighting if I wasn't around; I wouldn't have to worry about being pretty enough, or good enough anymore. I had found some pills, and although I still couldn't swallow one yet, was finding ways to get them into my system, but painkillers and motion sickness pills only do so much; they never really numb the pain. So, I decided at this point, suicide was the best option to make everything better. I came up with a plan and everything. It seemed like the only way out. One night, I said all the things I felt like I needed to say to my friends (on good ol' AOL chat of course), and faked being sick the next morning. It almost worked, until right as my mom was walking out the door for work, the phone rang with the school counselor on the other end concerned, because 6 of my friends had shown up in the office worried because I hadn't shown up for school. My mom sent me to my grandma's, and stayed home, and talked to my dad about what was going on. I can't say that things with my parents were perfect after that, but they kept me out of the fighting, and toned it down some after all that.

What really hit me hard happened about 2 months after that. One day while sitting through yet another American History class, the counselor came in and stopped class, to inform us that a girl in our class, a friend I knew, had committed suicide. Watching her closest friend in my class completely fall apart, and seeing our entire 8th grade class so torn up over it really showed me what an impact suicide has on the people you leave behind. Going to the viewing and funeral was really hard, seeing her there, not the Ashley that was full of life like I had known. It was then that I heard God audibly and clearly, possibly for one of the first times, speak. He very clearly pointed out that murdering is a sin, and that to take my own life would be to murder. He also showed me that to commit suicide was one of the most selfish things I could do, because He has a plan and purpose for my life, and gave me gifts to share with others. In that He has a plan and purpose for my life, God also spoke to me that for me to take my own life is a lot like saying that He doesn't have reign and rule over my life, I do. This really struck me hard, and after this, I honestly said that no matter how tough life gets, I NEVER want to plan to kill myself.

Around the same time, I went through another really rough spot with family. Around the time Ashley committed suicide, my grandfather (see Part 1: In the Beginning for more on him) was doing geneological research in Indiana, and fell, hit his head, and went unconscious. He came around in a day or so, however, this started a long string of him being in the hospital with brain related problems. He saw several neurologists, and went through multiple operations to remove fluid from around his brain, however, the doctors could not explain what was happening. After 2 months of this, he eventually passed away in early May. Even after they did an autopsy, they still couldn't explain what had happened with his brain. They discovered cell-like chambers in and around his brain, where fluid had collected, but the doctors and surgeons had no idea what they were from, or how they formed. His sudden and unexplainable passing really tore through me and my little sister. My grandfather played violin, and was super-excited when I started playing. Even with his arthritis (which made him terribly out of tune), we would still sit and play duets he had collected over the years. He was at every concert and contest, and videotaped them all (except the contests of course, he was pretty bummed that OMEA doesn't allow taping of adjudicated events). I inherited his violin, and at his funeral, I had to play his favorite duet with one of my friends on his violin. I don't even think I made it through the whole piece with out falling apart. It was like everything in the world stopped functioning correctly. Everything "normal" was gone. And, that's partly true, I suppose. I love my grandma, but I don't think she's been the same since my grandpa passed. She didn't have a garden anymore, didn't pick or can apples (even though we offered to pick them for her). The backyard looked sort of empty and lifeless.

My middle school and high school years I feel, with the exception of my junior year of college, were probably some of the darker years of my life. Looking back on middle school and high school (we'll get to that in Part 3, next time) I was angry, sad, confused... and just overall jaded about life. It's honestly amazing to look back and see that I'm still following God today, and that somehow through all of that, and in high school, I didn't just totally turn away and say, "Forget you", to God. I think somewhere inside, I knew that He was who He said He was, and that somehow, some way, some day (I even dreamed about it) I would be redeemed from the mess. That I would have a love for Him like never before. It was down there, somewhere, under the mess. It just took a few more years to find it and believe it.

There you have it. Next Episode: high school, church splits, boys, Jesus, and more! (this will probably be split up into 2 parts because, let's be honest, A LOT of crap happened then)

My Story: Unedited, In the Beginning

I've considered posting "my life story" for some time now, but I'm usually met with reservations and fears. However, at this point, I think it's important to note that each summer I tell people I've only known for weeks my life story (or testimony) in some shortened or elaborated form. So, if I can do that, what difference does it make, posting it here? I think the biggest hinderance I've had is knowing that family sometimes read this, too. And, as much as we'd like to think I've been the perfect P.K. (pastor's kid... we'll get to that later), I'm not, because I'm still a mortal human being living in a sinfully influential world. That being said, let's lay out some quick ground rules.

You may ask me questions about my life story, but you may not condemn me or punish me for it. The important thing to remember here is firstly, this is my story. It is my outlook and views on the events in my life, both as perceived by me, and as revealed by God. Second, it's in the past. It's also important to remember that God is continuing to change us, and offers us grace for our screw-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, and failures. That being said, no matter what I share, you should know that I don't regret a single thing that makes up who I am. Because, as God as revealed in His Word, we must be broken in this lifetime in order to make us beautiful in this lifetime, and prepare us for the surpassing beauty we will have in the next life as the Bride of Christ.

That being said, I'm going to quickly note that because I'd like to put my full story, not the quick 5 minute testimony I give when talking to newer students I meet on the street or at Outreach events, and not the 20 minute testimony I give during Fusion, Lifegroup, or Project Group times, I think I'm going to put it in small installments on here for everyone. Because, for me, every time I reflect on even just a small event in my life, God teaches me something about myself and where He's taking me. For you, who knows, maybe you'll learn something, or maybe it'll serve to explain who I am, and the events that have shaped my life and the core of my being. Okay, that being said, let's get started.

Some background information prior to my birth. My parents married when my mom was 19 and my dad was 21. I was born in August 1988. I'll let you do the math, if you know my parents birth dates. Otherwise, you should just know there was at least a few years before the wedding and my seeing the world. Anyway, yes, I was born in Kentucky, not Ohio. We only lived there for a year, but my dad's from Franklin, and some of my family lives in Kentucky... so if you've always wondered about the occasional accent I sometimes sport... wonder no more. My parents moved to Cincinnati, and then divorced when I was 2. My earliest memory is of us moving out of the house in Cincinnati, it had this dark brown shag-like carpet, and I definitely remember kissing it good-bye as we left the house for the last time. My parents moved to separate apartments nearby, and eventually my mom moved back in with my grandparents in Miamisburg (just south of Dayton, OH) and eventually bought a house, and my dad finally bought a small house in Cincinnati (Springdale to be exact, but our city and zip was still Cinci). During that time I remember my mom working a lot, and so did my grandma, who eventually retired. So, for the most part, I stayed with my grandparents a lot during the week. Through the divorce I saw my dad on the weekends. It seemed like a decently long drive when I was that little, going all the way from Dayton to Cincinnati down I-75 every Friday night and then back up Sunday night. When I started Kindergarten my mom began dating and eventually married my first stepdad, John. I acquired a stepsister who was 4 years older than me, and then when I was 6, my mom had my half sister. We then moved to Moraine (getting closer to downtown Dayton) and I went to elementary school in West Carrollton.

So, the small child to elementary years. You know the background, but what did I do during all that? Well, a typical weekend with my dad was watching the latest Disney animated release (I'm not sure who was more into it, me or dad... maybe both), or watching TGIF on Friday (yeah, you remember all those shows). Saturdays I played with a few friends in the neighborhood, or we would go play games at some arcade in the one mall, and then go up to Franklin and take my grandparents out for dinner. My grandpa always had to buy a lottery ticket on the way out to wherever we were eating, and occasionally had me pick out some of the numbers (maybe for good luck?). He never won. Sundays was church, dad was a youth pastor, and then lunch from McDonald's, and more playing outside until dinner and the long drive back up to Dayton. I remember my dad buying me a lot of things. At the time, I thought it was cool, but looking back on it, it generally makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

Playing @ dad's. Proof that I was a natural redhead, as well.

Back in Dayton, I generally went to school, and then spent the majority of my time with my grandparents. My mom worked a lot, I remember. I watched a lot of TV at my grandparents when it was too cold to be outside. Otherwise, my grandpa and I would play baseball in the driveway or go for walks and bike rides around the block or up to the high school and back. I was the first grandchild of the family, and the apple of my grandpa's eye. He taught me how to play marbles, hit a ball with the baseball bat, and spent a lot of time with me when I was little. He had a big garden in the backyard with vegetables, a strawberry patch and compost piles, peach trees, an apple tree, and dahlias growing along the sides. It wasn't even that huge of a backyard, yet it was, because it had all that in it. He used to let me help him plant all the seeds, and then pick everything in the fall. That used to be the highlight to my fall, going out in the green bean patch and finding green beans and picking them. If I wasn't doing that, my grandma and I were putting puzzles together, coloring in coloring books, or playing Yahtzee or Go Fish. We used to sit on the back porch at night, or in front of the TV, my grandma, grandpa, and I, eating ice cream and watching the sun set or watching Jeopardy.

My grandpa, me, and our dog, Buster, picking peaches

I remember in school I was the smartest in the class from the time I started until high school. In the second grade once, my mom got called in for a parent-teacher conference and was told that my teacher didn't know what to do with me, and that I was a problem in her class... because I was usually the first person to get my work done, and had already finished every activity you could do on the extra-credit board (I wish I still had that kind of diligence in school). At the end of that year, I took a Gifted test, and my mom was told that I did so well on it that I was eligible to skip a grade. I wasn't allowed, because I was already one of the youngest in the class (i.e. I turned 7 on August 2, right before school started, then everyone else turned 8 during that school year). However, I was placed in the elementary Gifted class that met at a different school once a week. I guess this kept me out of my teachers' hairs for a day, being that I was a "problem". Growing up in Dayton, and looking back now, I don't think I knew what real friendship was. The friends I did have only wanted to play with me when they didn't have something better to do or someone better to play with, or they only wanted me around when I could give them answers to their homework. That was my concept of friendship growing up.

I think my stepdad always wished I was a boy. He always treated us girls (there were only girls in the family) a little rough. He also didn't give us as much attention as we might have needed growing up, and it didn't help that he didn't treat my sisters, his actual children, like the "daddy's girls" they should have been treated as. I was also the middle child, which didn't exactly help. A lot of times I felt ignored and uncared for, which really lead to unhealthy habits to get attention. I can remember getting yelled at, and getting into a lot of trouble for fighting with my parents. Again, I was told the reason I was like this was because I was a spoiled brat. At times, I could be quite a pill as a child, which, thinking about it a few years ago, made me sick to think about those times. I didn't really like the way I was treated by my stepdad and didn't like him, and I remember my stepsister didn't like the way my mom treated her. I can remember a few family vacations where we would run off and do our own thing while they had our little sister, because we didn't like each other's parent, which seemed to unite us. As I got older, she stopped coming down on the weekends as much. I thought it was because she didn't like me for awhile, being that I had never had a sibling before because of my parents' early divorce, and I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I later figured out that it didn't have to do with me as much as the parents and her church.

Looking back on these times a few years ago, I used to be repulsed by who I was as a small child. Why did I act the way I did? Was I really a spoiled brat, like everyone said? It really ate away at me, until I thought I was still that way, and didn't like myself. Now, understanding who I am, and the longings God has placed in me, I can better understand this part of my life. Of the 5 love languages, the most important to me is Quality Time, and the second is Words of Affirmation. I think, during this time, I never knew what my real needs were or what I really desired deep down, but I knew there was something I deeply wanted and wasn't getting. Because I didn't know how to accurately express what I wasn't getting, I was just a pill of a child. I didn't know how to, or if I was even allowed to express being unhappy. My dad gave me gifts and toys, and my mom generally yelled at me for being unruly, and so in general, I really didn't get a lot of the quality time I needed. I think a lot of this lead to believing the lie that my parents don't really love me. They tolerate me. I think I've believed that lie for longer than I'd like to think. It's been so imbedded that I didn't realize that I was believing this lie until more recent years. Some of that, I think, eventually carried over to my belief of what God thought of me. Luckily, through mistakes I've made in the last 4 years of undergraduate college, I have deeply come to understand that God absolutely loves and delights in me and there's nothing that will ever change that. I wish I could say the same of my parents. I still occasionally battle that lie when it comes to my parents, and what they say and do. Especially when it's paired with a lack of Words of Affirmation. But, that comes later in my story.

And that's just the beginning of my story. If you're still with me, sweet. Like I said, feel free to ask me questions about my life, but please take your condemnations, judgments and punishments straight to God, first. Because He's already forgiven me, and is using my past to shape me into His beautiful creation.

Next installment: Middle School (oh boy... you can just hear and feel the drama there)

God unfortunately doesn't provide us with training wheels
in real life. We just have to keep getting back up and getting
back on the bike after each mistake and fall.

Political? Relational? Where's Jesus?

Okay, so I'm not normally one to start advocating things, or making political comparisions. Honestly, I don't even talk about politics very much (to the horror of my HS Honors Government teacher). However, I believe right about... NOW is a great time to do JUST THAT. Let's do it.
We know everyone is talking heatedly about this "International Burn a Koran Day". So, let's just go there. Yes, I mentioned it... but before you decide you want to throw my blog, and me into that bonfire, just keep reading. First off, let's just spell it right. It's Qur'an. There. From now on in this blog, it will be referred to as exactly that, out of respect for other people.
I'm going to cut right to my belief: it's COMPLETELY WRONG. Now, let's talk about why I believe this. Again, before you give this entry the ol' "shut 'er down"... just keep reading. You may find that, even if you aren't religious at all, some of what I'm pointing out rings true with your own beliefs and values.
First, I'm completely incensed that this man, Mr. Terry Jones, would profess himself a follower of Christ AND propose such an ugly thing. I have to tell you, when I first saw stuff circulating on Facebook, I went to the New York Times article about the subject, and nearly vomited when I read about this man's idea of remembering 9/11. It's really just sickening. The values that Christ teaches are:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:43-44

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
Luke 6:27-36
I know this is a lot, but stick with me. These were Jesus' very words, which we who TRULY follow Christ believe to be 100% fact and true, to people as He turned the religion of the times upside-down. This is what we believe. What does this say to me, and to you? If we are TRUE followers of Christ, then if my next-door neighbor was a practicing Muslim, and came over and asked for a piece of bread, I would invite them in and ask if they'd like to have dinner with me. It doesn't matter if we have different beliefs and religious values. They are still important in life. We as followers of Christ, TRUELY believe that God created each human being in a unique way. Each person is a unique soul. Point being: every individual is JUST LIKE US in that they are a human being, but they are UNIQUE in that they were created specifically by God. We need to love each other and treat each other with respect REGARDLESS of our personal values and beliefs. Just because people of that religious affiliation attacked this country 9 years ago DOES NOT IN ANY WAY MEAN THAT WE CAN MAKE GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT EVERYONE WHO BELONGS TO THAT RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION. Point being, Terry Jones.
So, what does ALL that have to say about Terry Jones? I don't believe he's a TRUE follower of Christ. What I am saying about TRUE followers of Christ, DOES NOT in ANY way line up with what Mr. Jones has been preaching to his congregation (click on the link with his name above for more info). If it did, he wouldn't be organizing this book burning.
 
Now, onto political matters. This is where things get sticky. As we have read in other articles, the president has been considering personally calling this man, there have been contemplations between government officials about stopping this sort of thing. Should the government get involved? ABSOLUTELY NOT. You heard me. ABSOLUTELY NOT. To do so would be a complete encroachment on our First Amendment rights. What would that mean for the future of American citizens? If the government steps in just one time to stop an exercise of the First Amendment right, they could continue to do so, and then we in America would be no more religiously free than those in China, North Korea, and other communist countries (yes, albeit a bit extreme... the trend could go that way). So then, if the government should not step in, then what should happen?
 
Terry Jones needs to re-read what Jesus is TRUELY saying about love. Mr. Jones needs to realize that, to call himself a TRUE follower of Christ, he needs to stop this book burning HIMSELF. If he were only to realize the TRUE TEACHINGS OF JESUS CHRIST, then he would need only a minute to understand the disaster and devastation he would be causing around the globe by enacting this book burning of the Qur'an. This isn't just about making a statement, this is about people, lives, love, relationships. The Bible teaches in John 14:6 that Jesus is "the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through [Him]". Understanding that I can no more repent of all my sins and stop sinning in order to get to Heaven, than I can repent for breathing and stop breathing (idea taken from the book Seven Longings of the Human Heart), I must realize that Jesus made a way for me to be whole, even though I'm in a million pieces because of my sin. So, for Mr. Jones to carry out this book burning, is going to cause exactly what happened to Muslims to happen to Christians. After 9/11, the general population generalized that if 12 Muslim men could terrorize our nation, then ALL Muslims must be bad (obviously this is COMPLETELY FALSE). If this book burning occurs, then the general population will generalize that ALL Christians hate all other religions. Which, has some serious implications for those TRUE Christians that do no believe that, and TRUELY follow Christ.
 
So, all in all, there's my views on the current world situation. As I write this, I can't help but wonder what is going to happen in the next several days, and, if the book burning happens, what it will be like to be Christian living in America, and an American Christian living the world after it happens.
This final note is to you reading this: If you are a Christian, I seriously implore you to consider how you are living your life day to day, and what your actions are saying about you and your relationship with our Father, and Lord Jesus Christ. Please make it reflect Jesus TRUE teaching. If you are not religious, or completely against Christianity I implore you to consider that not ALL Christians share the value of some of these outspoken pastors. Consider, from a research standpoint of educating yourself, looking into what the Bible really teaches, what Jesus is really teaching, and then to remember that we aren't all perfect. We are still human beings, we are broken and messed up, and we often fall flat on our faces. Please do not hold us to the standard of Jesus. Because He was perfect, and in this lifetime, we never will be. We ask for your grace and forgiveness, and that you consider keeping an open mind with Christians. Because, like I said, not all of us agree or follow the teachings of the outspoken lunatic pastors who initiate book burnings.

Things Inspired, or John Adams

Currently, I've been trying to push through my pile of graduate homework, and realizing I'm lacking in inspiration to do anything related to graduate school, except maybe practice my violin and cello.
Everything that's inspired me lately, has only inspired me to run harder after Christ, to pursue and seek after Him more, to discover the Truth He has and longs to speak into my life, to receive the healing He longs to give me from past wounds. Thought the "loudest things" in my life right now happen to be my Graduate Assistantship, the classes I'm a TA for, and the readings and homework piled in front of me, the "most important things" happen to be none of those things. During the week my focus seems to shift to the "loudest things", but my longing to spend every second of my day with Jesus, reading His Word, praying for His people, and listening to His calling for my life. It seriously leads me to ask the same question, every day:

"God, why would You call me to take this Graduate Assistantship and go to graduate school, if it's not an importance to me, a longing I hope for, and want?"

I can sit and try to read for my classes, but it doesn't always last long. Between staring out the window at God's beautiful creation, listening to music, or thinking of something that brings my mind to God I'm not even sure how I completed the homework for even 1 class yesterday.

I do understand that Jesus is a part of my everyday life, and He's with me in every class I teach, every class I sit in, and everything I'm reading for homework. That really doesn't make it any easier, although I'm putting my best foot forward. It's like nothing matters to me anymore, except praising God through my music, allowing Him to slowly change my life and mold me into who He has created me to be, not who I am when I allow the junk of this world and life to get the better of me, and showing others that there IS lasting fulfillment in this life, that there is "living water" and "real community", that there is Someone that cares about them more deeply than a one-night stand, a Real Cure that lasts longer than one drunken night and a hangover the next day. Which leads me to the next question:

"Okay God, this is GREAT! I've found meaining in my life! Now, exactly what do you want me to do with this?"

So, what brings about a blog like this? Well, first off, I've been trying all weekend to do all my homework, and by now, should have been finished, with as much time as I've been spending at Starbucks. Second, I'm trying to listen to some orchestral music, A) in hopes of inspiring me to think musically, and B) to gain a better understanding of some of the pieces we're playing. It probably doesn't help to keep me focused on the music track when John Adams' Christian Zeal and Activity starts playing. I've never listened to this piece before, yet it has somehow appeared under my "Purchased Items" on iTunes (Jesus? Answers?). It's pretty sweet though, not only because John Adams wrote it, but it's hymn-like in quality, and there's a sort of looping track of a sermon from 1971 (I can't find who preached it or where anywhere online though) which is really sweet. Of course, that completely throws my mind to things not directly relating to my current readings or studies.

I'm not really sure where God's going with all this, but one thing is for sure: it'd be sweet if He clued me in at some point (we all know this only happens in His timing, though). This concludes today's rambling on how I can't focus on what I'm being paid to do. And now... back to the books.

Fun Fact: Listen to John Adams' Christian Zeal and Activity. It's really good... unless you're not into minimalism or neoclassicism. Even if you're not, expand you're horizons. It builds character.

What I learned at Grad School this week...

Well, it's been one long and ridiculous beginning week for a new life and new school. So, what did I learn from this week? Well, here's a few thoughts:

• Wear comfortable shoes. You can always change into more professional-looking footwear upon arriving to the office.
• Find more than 5 affordable foods from the grocery store (I should know this by now, having lived in an apt. for the last 2-3 years). You'll grow tired of your choices after the first week.
• Do something that has NOTHING to do with music, the music building, and your apartment. I enjoyed walking around Brandywine Gorge and NOT being in Kent on Saturday morning.
• Skyline is NEVER too far away. There was one in Findlay when I lived in BG, and there's one in Cuyahoga Falls that I discovered this weekend. Hooray for a taste of home!
• ALWAYS expect those in the administration at KSU to not know the correct contact people. You can be sure you will contact at least 5 different people before getting to the right person, because people don't really know who you're supposed to contact.
• Take a jacket to the office! It's like the Polar ice caps in there!
• Put off rejoicing because you don't have to write a research paper in one class. Chances are, you'll probably have to write 2 more in the other classes you have.
• Statistics IS actually useful somewhere in music; thus, I am retracting the statement I made sophomore year of undergraduate. Hello, research.
• Always check to make sure that you are actually driving in the direction you want to go, i.e. if you want to go west to Starbucks, make sure you're driving on the westbound portion of the road, otherwise you'll end up in Ravenna.
• No matter how hard to try to take the semi-sophisticated suburbanite-city dweller out and place her into the hicksville po-dunk towns of NE Ohio... it just won't work.
• The age gap doesn't get any smaller as you get older, only bigger.
• Just because rent is cheap, doesn't mean it's a great place to live.
• Banging on the walls and floors is still an effective way to get obnoxious neighbors to shut up.
• Watching movies is a great alternative to watching TV, especially when they're movies you haven't seen before (suggestions for movies to see are still open and welcome)
• Highlighting your textbook is a great way to remember and reference material.
• If you're going to live 3/4 of your life in an office, you may as well make it inspiring and aesthetically pleasing.
• Don't ask for a first violin part unless you're prepared to play in the stratosphere for 2 hours at a time, and if you are, make sure you can read that many ledger lines. Being a second violin for 4 years in the Philharmonia, I forgot how to read those.
• Always remember that even if you bought the textbook for $108, you can always sell it back to amazon.com for $88... thus only paying $20 for the book. Think of it as a deposit for the book, not a payment.
• Force yourself to get up when the alarm goes off. You'll regret it later if you don't.
• Make friends with the local music office staff. You'll probably be seeing a lot of them.
• Blogs are a great way to grade student assignments. They reduce the amount of paper you have to carry around, and make it easy to keep track of all their work and grade.
• Keep your desk clean and organized. Cleanliness and organization helps to keep your focus on the task at hand and can reduce procrastination.
• Last but not least.... breakfast really is important. Eat it.

My desk at the School of Music. Check out the organization/inspiration combo goin' on there!
No room for procrastination!

Research is Fun, Parking is Not

I know, that's not a completely awkward and terrible statement, AT ALL. I wouldn't normally thinkg research is fun, I mean who does? But, when it's in the context of MUSIC that makes the subject a little more bearable. On the subject of parking, well if you've ever been to a University in the United States in the last 5-10 years, you probably understand.
I have this lovely Research in Music Education class at the lovely 4:25-7:05pm time of day. Before we jump right into that, let's address two things. First, that is a RIDICULOUSLY odd time (not time of day, check the minutes on the start and end times). This University (Kent State) starts all of their classes at ridiculously odd times like that (i.e. String Techniques, one of the classes I TA for is 9:55-10:45am). Second, Research class, right? So, immediately one thinks, "Crap. This means, lots of time hangin' around the music library in the basement (why yes, our music library IS in the basement!) reading lots of primary sources, writing papers... ugh. What AM I getting myself into?" Except it's quite the opposite. We (all FOUR, 4, of us in the class) don't have to write a single paper, or do any research in the library. All that's required is reading a chapter each week out of the 2 books required for the class, and answering about 15-20 questions per book. Sounds like a lot of reading and questions, but I'll take that any day over writing papers and doing research. Any day.
But on to the class itself (this probably pertains to most graduate classes in general). First, I like small classes, mostly. I'm a fan of them. They lend themselves to more discussion, which is sweet. There's four of us in the class, plus the professor, so we had a lot of good discussion last night, my first night of class. Second, when you're a graduate student, it is FINALLY assumed that you are smart. I thought that once you got out of high school and into college, and FINALLY when you got to your senior year of college, it would be discovered that you ARE actually smart and would be treated as such. Sadly, I was mistaken the majority of the time in my undergraduate college career. But, when you are a graduate student it is assumed you are smart, and therefore you are allowed to have discussions and debates and ask questions in class without looking like "that guy/girl". You know what I'm talking about... there was always that one student that asked for clarification, and then would discuss the point with the professor, or debate it with the professor and/or other students. And, of course, everyone groaned or looked angry, because they just wanted to get on with the class. And why yes, as you probably guessed, I was THAT GUY/GIRL. Luckily, things change in graduate school... last night was so awesome. I generally was afraid to answer in class, because I didn't want to sound stupid, but I did in fact sound intelligent. I even brought up a few things that interested the professor (not intended, but always a win when it happens). Apparently, it's some sort of a freak accident or rare occurrence when a music student, even at the graduate level, brings up a topic that doesn't have to do with music. For example, last night we were talking about the 4 types of historical research and each of us was assigned a type and told to come up with a title. I was assigned "Large-Group Social-Science Historical Research", which deals with, you guessed it, a large group, and their impact on society (for clarification, small group - i.e. one school, large group - i.e. schools in America). My topic was "Migration Patterns and Settling Points of Native Americans". This has nothing to do with music, only my insterest in the Ute Trail in Rocky Mountain Naitonal Park, and apparently that was rare and odd. And my professor made a big deal about it.

So, enough about my likes of graduate classes and how easy my Research class will be...

On to the woes of Kent State parking. What's up with the apparent LACK of parking around here? It's a HUGE commuter campus, you would think they would provide enough parking. Lies, all lies. I was considering going to Starbucks earlier, and the TINY parking lot was full, and people were swarming, so I left that mess, and drove around a couple of blocks trying to see what was available close by. Let's talk about how half the streets have apparent "NO PARKING" signs, and the rest of the surrounding parking lots make you pay. To drive to the DuBois Bookstore and go in, you have to PAY to go in the parking lot. There's another nearby parking lot, but it's also pay. The rest of the surrounding streets, if they don't say "NO PARKING" are marked "2 hour parking". How much would that suck to live in a house and not be able to park in front of it, or have people over and not have a place for them to park in front of your house (unless of course, they're staying for 2 hours or less)? Bummer. What a silly idea. I'm almost over the fact the fact that they still don't have enough parking for commuters, and that I couldn't get a parking pass. It's still upsetting though, when you come from BGSU, who has more than enough parking for its students, and it's actually a smaller school than Kent State. Lastly, on the subject of parking (which is not a woe, but a yay!), I don't think their parking attendants are patrolling Nazis like BGSU's parking Nazis. I should have gotten 3 tickets this week, and guarantee that if I had been at BGSU, I would have gotten all 3 of them. I have now parked at the metered spots outside the music building twice this week, for over an hour each time, and have not received a ticket. I have also parked in the R4 lot next to the music building once for an hour, and didn't get a ticket then either. Score to Kent State's parking services for not checking.

Well, that's all I've got for now. I do have a new blog you should check out to see what I'm up to during the day. It's called 390: Pictures of Life.

Fun Fact: Black squirrels at Kent are harder to catch than the average BGSU squirrel. Possibly because people feed them less.