Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

Prayers, Contentment, and 180's

I want to be transparent for a few minutes tonight, to show God's amazing power, His unfailing and never-ending love for His children. Last week I (all misgivings aside) openly shared what I've been struggling with. I want to show a "then to now" picture of what God's done in this last week! Dang, He's been busy! Check out the indescribable Savior I love and serve!

I met with my amazing mentor, Tiffany, on Tuesday for lunch, and discussed all of my life and growing pains- she and Mason are GREAT listeners, by the way! (and yes, I believe this is the 4th h2o child that knows all about my life now... and will never remember it!) So, taking Sunday's spilling, and this, I left armed with needing prayer for:

-contentment with where God wants me, whether that's giving my life to serving in the college church, or teaching music to college and high school kids

-boundaries! in a relationship, in friendships with h2o people vs. students I teach (this is probably the biggest one I struggle with in this area)

-continual understanding of my freedom in Christ, freedom from my past

This week, after much praying and weighing it out, I made a tough decision not to go to Core Retreat and to, instead, go to the OMEA Conference. This was super-tough because it was a huge H2O event that I was missing in favor of "my career" which I've been struggling to be content in as of late. This turned out to be an amazing and blessed decision! It's so ridiculous and mind-blowing for me to just sit back and say, "God did a work in me through the OMEA Conference." Seriously? A "professional development" music teachers' conference? YES! It's true! God spoke and taught me things through it! What did He say?

He showed me that I am right where He wants me to be, that the people, relationships, and positions I have right now are exactly as He placed them. That He loves me, and that He has begun and is doing a work in me that is beyond anything I can see, imagine, comprehend, or understand- because He loves His children, and He understands my desires better than I do, and wants to bless His children with good gifts. He is giving, has given, and will give me good gifts- that are beyond what I understand of my desires! Whoa.... whoa. With that, I really feel lead to share some of my prayers from last night and today:

"How can You be so good to me? To love me as much as You do? To save me from Hell, only to watch me run right back to the dirt and mud, trying to drag You with me. Yet You love me enough to provide me with supportive family, amazing friends, a loving church family, four wonderful summers in Colorado, the gift of music and a personality and love/passion to teach it, Renewal - Truth - Love - Mercy - Grace, and now a bunch of new beginnings that I feel completely undeserving of. God, I still can't understand - can't even begin to fathom, how I've gone from someone who only allowed themselves to be used, who sabotaged every relationship they had, who was so afraid of a relationship, to being someone who has complete freedom in You, who has found love and life in YOU, and someone You've blessed with so much. Exactly how I deserve this I may never understand - but I know that You love Your children and desire great things for them. And so I'll never stop thanking You for all these things. It's only through Your Almighty Power and Heavenly Love that any of this could even be possible for my life. You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, You are my Father in Heaven."

 "God, I feel like I have learned so much this weekend and week - and yet I'm still learning! Like You've spoken to me, and I know, but I haven't been able to comprehend it all, to fathom it all, to process and understand it all. But I do know that in all, I do truly pray that Your will would be done and You would be glorified in all. Where do we even begin? I fell, but need confirmation, that You are asking me to be content with where You have placed me right now. I may not be in formal leadership, I may be doing more with music, but I feel You've asked me to be content with this. I don't completely like it, and need help being content, but trust that in the end You will work it for Your good and that it will surpass anything I can imagine. I pray You would use me in the music realm to bring glory to Your name and to share Your light and love.

 "I also hear You asking me to be content with and to embrace the tension placed in my life. This is so hard and frustrating at times, having friends that are the same age as student I give grades for, but I pray You'd help me to embrace and live in the middle of the tension - and that it would even bring me joy. 

 "Take me deeper in Your love and grace. I don't have to be a leader in the church to have a deep-rooted faith and beautiful relationship with You. My faith comes from my belief in You and Your Word and our relationship. I pray You'd teach me the deep things of You, of Your mysteries, of Your Word, of Your TRUTH, of Your unfailing love. Because in the end You alone are my stability - You and no one or nothing else, You are the one unchanging thing in my life. You are always the same. And so I want to be deeper in our relationship, so that I would always remember that my stability in life comes from You alone."

I have no idea why God is asking me to be transparent here and now, but I do know that my prayer is that He uses it and gets the glory. Because let's be honest, people don't just randomly come to these decisions on their own. People don't just pull some 180's out of nowhere. It's totally Jesus. He's totally sweet and faithful to stick with us even when we are confused, angry, upset, frustrated, rebelling... you name it, He's still right there next to us, even when we're a broken mess. In fact, that's His favorite place to be. Because then He can take the broken mess, like me, and start to rearrange the pieces into this beautiful mosaic.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if God worked on our timetable? Sometimes, I think, "God, seriously, if you'd just do [fill in the blank], fix [fill in the blank] in my life... honestly, if you'd just answer these questions, or tell me about that point in the future... it would make this whole 'being content' and 'not worrying' stuff a lot easier." Really, who hasn't thought that?
I think in the past couple of months, God has been teaching me a lot about patience and contentment at NOT knowing stuff. And, wouldn't you know, the exact OPPOSITE is true of the above thoughts. I've felt more freedom, more joy, more focus. What are some of the things I sit around thinking about? Well...
graduate school, conflict and confrontation with others, friendships, sleep, assignments and due dates, failure and burdening others, relationships and marriage...
When I stop focusing on these things it actually frees me up to focus on God more. I ran across this verse today, and although I'm pretty sure it's been quoted a bajillion times, have you ever thought about it like this:

Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts."

In most Bible studies and even sermons I've heard, many point out verse 6, where we're supposed to "take everything to God." Okay, but stop. Wait a minute. How many of us read, and comprehend these two verses all the way to the end? Notice that it also says, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts." We talk about God giving us peace if we take things to Him, but how many of us have really understood the last part that the peace which ONLY comes from Him will guard our hearts?
So, by praying to God and presenting it before Him, I can allow Him to speak to me about what's going on in life, and what I'm worried about, and give me His peace. This peace will guard my heart from worrying about the things of life, which leaves an open door for Satan to wreck my life with lies and temptations. I've thought so much about Proverbs 4:23, which talks about guarding your heart, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. That usually includes me consciously (and sometimes constantly) paying attention to what I'm saying, how I'm acting, etc. But, according to Philippians, if I just pray and talk to God about those relationships, and give it up to Him, He will give me peace about these areas of life, which will guard my heart. This points out, even more, to me how important communication with God is.

Along with this, I have to actually TRUST God that He's going to come through for me with these things I'm giving to Him "by prayer and petition." I have to trust that He will give me the Godly desires of my heart that I sometimes worry and wonder about. But again, I have to remember: God doesn't work on my timetable. However, if I have the peace of God, and am content with not knowing about the future, etc. and where I am in life, then I am able to TRUST and WAIT on God for His answers. Like that song from Enter the Worship Circle says,

"Wait on the Lord, O my soul, be strong and take heart, be strong, and wait upon the Lord."

(I'm including it, because, ironically enough, as I was writing the first part of this, that song came on my iTunes)

So, as I'm learning to live a healthier life, God has really been showing me in the last few months, that being content with not knowing this second everything He's going to do in my life, how I'm going to get everything done, or what others are thinking, is ultimately going to bring me more peace and guard my heart against the lies and temptations of Satan, and help me live with more joy, freedom, and focus in Him. Or, in short, when I worry, I need to, as the sign above says:

"Stop. Collaborate with God. Then listen to His truth and peace."(see, there was a point to that most epic stop sign all along)

Fun Fact: I still don't understand this "Silly Band" craze. I found one in the dining room the other day. It's in the shape of a rabbit. It's on my wrist right now. I still don't know why. Explanations welcome.