Currently, I've been trying to push through my pile of graduate homework, and realizing I'm lacking in inspiration to do anything related to graduate school, except maybe practice my violin and cello.
Everything that's inspired me lately, has only inspired me to run harder after Christ, to pursue and seek after Him more, to discover the Truth He has and longs to speak into my life, to receive the healing He longs to give me from past wounds. Thought the "loudest things" in my life right now happen to be my Graduate Assistantship, the classes I'm a TA for, and the readings and homework piled in front of me, the "most important things" happen to be none of those things. During the week my focus seems to shift to the "loudest things", but my longing to spend every second of my day with Jesus, reading His Word, praying for His people, and listening to His calling for my life. It seriously leads me to ask the same question, every day:
"God, why would You call me to take this Graduate Assistantship and go to graduate school, if it's not an importance to me, a longing I hope for, and want?"
I can sit and try to read for my classes, but it doesn't always last long. Between staring out the window at God's beautiful creation, listening to music, or thinking of something that brings my mind to God I'm not even sure how I completed the homework for even 1 class yesterday.
I do understand that Jesus is a part of my everyday life, and He's with me in every class I teach, every class I sit in, and everything I'm reading for homework. That really doesn't make it any easier, although I'm putting my best foot forward. It's like nothing matters to me anymore, except praising God through my music, allowing Him to slowly change my life and mold me into who He has created me to be, not who I am when I allow the junk of this world and life to get the better of me, and showing others that there IS lasting fulfillment in this life, that there is "living water" and "real community", that there is Someone that cares about them more deeply than a one-night stand, a Real Cure that lasts longer than one drunken night and a hangover the next day. Which leads me to the next question:
"Okay God, this is GREAT! I've found meaining in my life! Now, exactly what do you want me to do with this?"
So, what brings about a blog like this? Well, first off, I've been trying all weekend to do all my homework, and by now, should have been finished, with as much time as I've been spending at Starbucks. Second, I'm trying to listen to some orchestral music, A) in hopes of inspiring me to think musically, and B) to gain a better understanding of some of the pieces we're playing. It probably doesn't help to keep me focused on the music track when John Adams' Christian Zeal and Activity starts playing. I've never listened to this piece before, yet it has somehow appeared under my "Purchased Items" on iTunes (Jesus? Answers?). It's pretty sweet though, not only because John Adams wrote it, but it's hymn-like in quality, and there's a sort of looping track of a sermon from 1971 (I can't find who preached it or where anywhere online though) which is really sweet. Of course, that completely throws my mind to things not directly relating to my current readings or studies.
I'm not really sure where God's going with all this, but one thing is for sure: it'd be sweet if He clued me in at some point (we all know this only happens in His timing, though). This concludes today's rambling on how I can't focus on what I'm being paid to do. And now... back to the books.
Fun Fact: Listen to John Adams' Christian Zeal and Activity. It's really good... unless you're not into minimalism or neoclassicism. Even if you're not, expand you're horizons. It builds character.
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