Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

5 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: God dreams of a bigger and better plan for my life than I ever dare to, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.

Proverbs 16:7, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions... Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider: God has made the one as well as the other, therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:8-10, 13-14

I could probably preach you a sermon on these verses, but instead, I'll stick to their personal importance to me. These verses are highlighted, underlined, boxed, and flagged in my Bible, and serve as an Ebenezer (see Joshua 4 on that) for a time of crucial decision for me in high school. Seriously, until you're a high school senior, how often does a high schooler look ahead to her future? Unless it's a Wednesday afternoon physics class, and you're just passing time until the Friday night game... it's rare. But towards the end of my sophomore year, that's what I had to do. Look ahead. The fighting and arguing was increasing by the day at my mom's house where I was living, and I was depressed, and unhappy. I began to consider moving in with my dad's family, knowing there was less fighting, and I'd be happier there. But, there were still a lot of things to consider: I'd be switching schools; I had to graduate from that new school, I couldn't move back; I'd be giving up orchestra, since there was no orchestra program at the new school; I'd have to start over and make all new friends, besides the ones from my church; I'd have to say a lot of goodbyes without knowing when we'd see each other again. For a high school sophomore, that's HUGE! Also during this time, I was beginning to understand what a real relationship with Christ looked like, and began praying and seeking God more. At the beginning of the summer, these verses in Ecclesiastes 7 came to me one afternoon as I was reading. God clearly didn't give me an answer as to whether I should stay or move, but it reassured me that God is in control, that He's bigger than me, that He can straighten out what I make crooked. It showed me that God brings us to crossroads such as the one I was at, and He makes multiple paths, so that we cannot see or begin to understand our future... so that we FULLY RELY on Him to lead us where we ought to go.

In the end, I chose to stay with my mom, feeling that orchestra and band were too important to give up, and remained living there until I graduated high school. I couldn't see that far ahead at the time, but looking back from here to then, that turned out to play a HUGE role in my life. I couldn't be where I am in music without having stayed in an orchestra. God used that to further the talents HE HAS GIVEN ME. How awesome is that?!?

God dreams bigger than I can or will, to use my life for His purpose. I can have big dreams and goals for my life, but in the end, if they do not reflect the glory of God and His Son, if they do not line up with His purpose and goal for my life, then they do not matter, and will not amount to anything. My dreams and goals may seem big and outlandish when I communicate them to others, but compared to God's they are like an ant on the side of a mountain.

Recently, I read this verse and was again reminded of God's dreams versus mine, and how He has a greater purpose and dream for me:
At this time last year, I was busily applying to graduate schools, applying for my teaching license, graduation, and TEACHING JOBS. Grad school to me was just a back up at the time; I was mainly looking at jobs in Colorado - I loved it there, and was ready to leave Ohio. In the first week of April, I received a phone call and an email from Kent State University, and was asked to take the Music Education Graduate Assistantship and come to KSU for my Master's. Oh, I'll never forget that conversation with God:

Me: God, I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so ready for the mountains, I see them in my dreams, I see them when I'm awake. They're all I think about. I'm done with Ohio.
God: Kristen, I want you to accept their offer. It's where I want you to be.
Me: But, God (you know when you say that to God you're going to lose, right?)... But, God, what about the mountains? Can I go to grad school in Colorado instead?
God: Kristen, this is where I want you to be. I have things planned for you.
Me: And those things aren't in Colorado? I thought we were done with Ohio. Moving on.
God: Kristen, you may be done with Ohio, but Ohio's not done with you. I'm not done with you in Ohio.
Me: Okay, God... I'll accept.
[God: 23985783948304509; Me: 0]

And so I accepted. And, from April to... oh, probably some time in... January-ish... I sat pondering why the heck I was still in Ohio. But I've been continually reminded through these verses and God's loving voice that my plans are not His, and that He dreams great things for my life that will bring Him glory far beyond what I can see, imagine and dream. I think I'm starting to get a clue as to why now, which leads to new conversations with God about how I'm totally not even CLOSE to deserving of what He might have planned for me. Me, who's sinned and messed up in nearly every way possible in some areas of life... and yet, He wants to bless me and give me great things? Yes, for His glory! He's been dreaming of this for years and years, and I've been completely clueless, lost in my own dreams. But as my dreams change into His, His light shines through like a lighthouse on a dark night, so that anything that happens in my life is only by His glory, love, and grace.

And Now For Something a Little Different

Well hey there 2011! It didn't exactly catch me that it was really a "New Year"/2011 until I was on my computer on January 1st, and the computer said "2011." Sure we stayed up until midnight causin' a "ruckus" in the house and having Harry Potter sparkler battles (I WAS hanging out with my sister and some high schoolers, after all), but nothing really felt any different. However, seeing it on my computer made me realize, it's 2011... which means, a NEW year, and a NEW semester (well hello there Spring semester!). With that comes a chance to CHANGE. I believe you can start something new anytime you want, you don't really need a "new year" as an excuse. You can also change anytime you want. However, with a new year and a new semester here, it's a good time to evaluate the last year of life, and the last semester as well. So over the past 2 days, I've taken some time to evaluate where I was, the progression of the last year and semester, where I am, and where I actually want to be/where God wants me to be. Like I said, I believe new things and changes can occur whenever, they don't have to start AS SOON as January 1 hits. So I may start some things right away, and others may be a progression over the next several months or the year.
I also don't believe in "New Year's Resolutions." Most of the time, it's just another broken promise. I generally tend to believe that's because people make their "resolutions" on a whim, without thinking through the pros and cons, and what has to happen in order to achieve that "resolution." They see something on TV, or overhear a friend talking and POOF! I have to do that, too. If you seriously think about it, the majority of the "resolutions" people make are BIG picture goals, i.e. lose # of pounds, not eat ____ food, fix the roof of the house, buy a new car, spend more time with the family, read more books, etc. I think the biggest reason why people never achieve these resolutions or BIG picture goals, is because when making these "resolutions" they don't take into account the small pictures, or steps, it takes in order to achieve the overall goal. Let's take "spend more time with family" as an example. If you just say that, you're left wondering how to do that, so maybe you decide, I'll put off my homework. Without any idea of how to achieve the big, we take the wrong small steps, and eventually give up when it doesn't work. With the right planning, such as, a weekly family game night, eating 3 evening meals together each week, not using the computer between 6-8pm, etc. the big goal has more of a chance of being achieved.
All that being said, I thought about my "resolutions," new things and changes to life that I wanted to see happen. But, I didn't exactly take this lightly. I spent some time praying and reading. After reading through some journals, the Bible, and praying this was the first thing I wrote down:


What do I need to do - what needs to change - for me to follow Christ with more faith, more discipline, more love, more devotion?


Here are some big picture ideas:

1. "Back to the Basics" - read the simple stuff again (Has anyone seen the newest version of The Karate Kid with Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan? That's where I got the following ideas.)
• It's about attitude! do not skip over what you think you already know! 
• The basic message of the Gospel is in everything we do, everything we are.
2. "Spring Clean Continually"
• Block and erase anything questionable from the computer and daily activities
• Always re-evaluate your time management and how time is spent
• Learn to say "no" to unnecessary time commitments that overstep priorities and boundaries
• Assess what's really in your heart and mind - and allow God to touch the deep and clean out the junk
3. "Let it Rain" - healing of the soul
• Open your heart, mind, spirit, soul, and emotions to Christ
• Allow God to bring up the deep and painful things of the past - and be willing to go there with Him for healing that lasts
• Allow God to refresh the soul from its journey in the valleys by taking extended breaks with Him
4. "Pray without Ceasing"
• Be in constant communication with God NO MATTER WHAT! - the good, the bad, temptations, struggles, victories and defeats
• Be in constant prayer for others - God works miracles through prayer.
• "Give thanks, with a grateful heart." 
5. "What Are Others Saying"
• Listen to sermons online
• Take time to read more books
• Be mentored consistently by someone in the church
6. "Sharing is Caring"

                **Why do we tell others about Christ? Why is evangelism important to me?

• Because NO ONE else can love you THIS much with THIS much consistency
• because NOTHING - NOTHING ELSE - can fill what we're searching for - NOTHING ELSE WORKS - nothing else cures, nothing else fills, satisfies, completes - NOTHING ELSE  is ever enough - Christ is the ONLY thing that works!
• For this reason, I need to be more intentional in friendships and relationships. In a dying world, on a campus with tens of THOUSANDS of searching college students - they NEED to know. They long for what fills, satisfies, completes - what cures, what WORKS - what makes them right and whole.

Those are some big pictures goals, followed by either some small steps, or some big goals to go with it. Here are some other small steps, or other goals I have to help improve my quality of life. I believe that NOTHING in life will improve without the above. However, as we all saw last semester, my graduate assistant job became my life by the end of the semester. I was so focused on not failing, that by mid-November I lost focus of everything else in life. The following is a list of goals to help all of me stay healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

• Read AT LEAST one chapter in the Bible each day (started in Romans today, see #1)
• Write in this blog at least once each week
• Starting January 5, 2011 - 1 picture each day for a WHOLE YEAR in my other blog 390:Pictures of Life
• no computer after 10:30PM unless I'm doing schoolwork
• if for schoolwork after 10:30PM ONLY the applications that apply to the homework are going to be used (that means no Facebook and no Skype)
• no university/assistantship work after 8:00PM
• make time - at least 30 minutes each day - to read a book that is NOT a schoolbook or the Bible
• re-read Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia
• Find opportunities to continue K-12 teaching, i.e. private lessons (This is huge right now since I have been, and still am in some ways, very seriously considering dropping grad school for awhile. Finding opportunities to teach kids while working at the university may be a way to stay in school another year and a half without going crazy.)
• Go to the Rec Center AT LEAST 3 times each week (more as a stress reliever than a weight loss plan)
• Have a REAL, TANGIBLE, PHYSICAL budget (I need to get on this NOW!)
• Make use of the Kent Free Library as a study/work space
• Have people over to the apt. at least once each month for a game or movie night
• Become more conscious of what I eat to be a better steward of the body God has given me (Note: this has VERY little to do with weight, and more to do with a firm belief that when Paul states in 1 Corinthians that our bodies are temples of the Most Holy God, and a recognition that this does not just apply to the defilement of our bodies with sexual acts, but also by being gluttonous with how much we eat, and what we eat)

I recognize that in my humanness I will probably fall short at some point in more than one area listed somewhere, and it may happen a lot sooner than I'd like it to. That being said, I also recognize that I belong to Jesus Christ, who has already forgiven me for coming short, and that through Him and His Power alone, I can succeed and come closer to Him.

Here we go, 2011!