Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

5 Day Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: God has healed my past wounds and broken heart, and allowed me to live a life of freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it or earn it.


This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.


CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.


And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!


So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?

And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.

Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.

Prayers, Contentment, and 180's

I want to be transparent for a few minutes tonight, to show God's amazing power, His unfailing and never-ending love for His children. Last week I (all misgivings aside) openly shared what I've been struggling with. I want to show a "then to now" picture of what God's done in this last week! Dang, He's been busy! Check out the indescribable Savior I love and serve!

I met with my amazing mentor, Tiffany, on Tuesday for lunch, and discussed all of my life and growing pains- she and Mason are GREAT listeners, by the way! (and yes, I believe this is the 4th h2o child that knows all about my life now... and will never remember it!) So, taking Sunday's spilling, and this, I left armed with needing prayer for:

-contentment with where God wants me, whether that's giving my life to serving in the college church, or teaching music to college and high school kids

-boundaries! in a relationship, in friendships with h2o people vs. students I teach (this is probably the biggest one I struggle with in this area)

-continual understanding of my freedom in Christ, freedom from my past

This week, after much praying and weighing it out, I made a tough decision not to go to Core Retreat and to, instead, go to the OMEA Conference. This was super-tough because it was a huge H2O event that I was missing in favor of "my career" which I've been struggling to be content in as of late. This turned out to be an amazing and blessed decision! It's so ridiculous and mind-blowing for me to just sit back and say, "God did a work in me through the OMEA Conference." Seriously? A "professional development" music teachers' conference? YES! It's true! God spoke and taught me things through it! What did He say?

He showed me that I am right where He wants me to be, that the people, relationships, and positions I have right now are exactly as He placed them. That He loves me, and that He has begun and is doing a work in me that is beyond anything I can see, imagine, comprehend, or understand- because He loves His children, and He understands my desires better than I do, and wants to bless His children with good gifts. He is giving, has given, and will give me good gifts- that are beyond what I understand of my desires! Whoa.... whoa. With that, I really feel lead to share some of my prayers from last night and today:

"How can You be so good to me? To love me as much as You do? To save me from Hell, only to watch me run right back to the dirt and mud, trying to drag You with me. Yet You love me enough to provide me with supportive family, amazing friends, a loving church family, four wonderful summers in Colorado, the gift of music and a personality and love/passion to teach it, Renewal - Truth - Love - Mercy - Grace, and now a bunch of new beginnings that I feel completely undeserving of. God, I still can't understand - can't even begin to fathom, how I've gone from someone who only allowed themselves to be used, who sabotaged every relationship they had, who was so afraid of a relationship, to being someone who has complete freedom in You, who has found love and life in YOU, and someone You've blessed with so much. Exactly how I deserve this I may never understand - but I know that You love Your children and desire great things for them. And so I'll never stop thanking You for all these things. It's only through Your Almighty Power and Heavenly Love that any of this could even be possible for my life. You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, You are my Father in Heaven."

 "God, I feel like I have learned so much this weekend and week - and yet I'm still learning! Like You've spoken to me, and I know, but I haven't been able to comprehend it all, to fathom it all, to process and understand it all. But I do know that in all, I do truly pray that Your will would be done and You would be glorified in all. Where do we even begin? I fell, but need confirmation, that You are asking me to be content with where You have placed me right now. I may not be in formal leadership, I may be doing more with music, but I feel You've asked me to be content with this. I don't completely like it, and need help being content, but trust that in the end You will work it for Your good and that it will surpass anything I can imagine. I pray You would use me in the music realm to bring glory to Your name and to share Your light and love.

 "I also hear You asking me to be content with and to embrace the tension placed in my life. This is so hard and frustrating at times, having friends that are the same age as student I give grades for, but I pray You'd help me to embrace and live in the middle of the tension - and that it would even bring me joy. 

 "Take me deeper in Your love and grace. I don't have to be a leader in the church to have a deep-rooted faith and beautiful relationship with You. My faith comes from my belief in You and Your Word and our relationship. I pray You'd teach me the deep things of You, of Your mysteries, of Your Word, of Your TRUTH, of Your unfailing love. Because in the end You alone are my stability - You and no one or nothing else, You are the one unchanging thing in my life. You are always the same. And so I want to be deeper in our relationship, so that I would always remember that my stability in life comes from You alone."

I have no idea why God is asking me to be transparent here and now, but I do know that my prayer is that He uses it and gets the glory. Because let's be honest, people don't just randomly come to these decisions on their own. People don't just pull some 180's out of nowhere. It's totally Jesus. He's totally sweet and faithful to stick with us even when we are confused, angry, upset, frustrated, rebelling... you name it, He's still right there next to us, even when we're a broken mess. In fact, that's His favorite place to be. Because then He can take the broken mess, like me, and start to rearrange the pieces into this beautiful mosaic.

Lessons Learned: A Collection of Thoughts

I have finally finished my first semester of graduate school, which is kind of ridiculous and crazy to think about. My first semester at a new university, with a new set of friends, new surroundings, new town, new part of Ohio for me to live in. A lot of "news." So, what have I learned in this first semester? Here's a list of some serious, and not-so-serious "lessons":

1. When moving in, one should have systematic order for unpacking boxes and organizing their contents.

2. At Kent State, it's important to order a parking pass approximately 6.894267 months before you will ever use it, unless you enjoy walking uphill in a blizzard.
3. Listening to worship music and praying while walking to campus can be a great way to spend a little time with Jesus throughout the day.
4. Somewhere around October, your body replaces the blood in your system with coffee.
5. Why order Papa John's, when Guys is less than a mile down the road?
6. Procrastination kills.
7. At some point, learning when to say "no" can save your life.
8. Northeast Ohio drivers are out to kill.
9. Always plan for technology to be a hater.
10. If BG Parking Services were considered Nazis, KSU Parking Services must be Fascists.
11. God likes sitting in on Research Methods courses. If you listen, He'll even weigh in His thoughts, too.
12. Cello strings are not harmless, they will attack.
13. Some students think the word "OPTIONAL" is written at the top of the syllabus. In light of this, I think I'd like to add, "Thou shalt obey mine commands." Just a suggestion, though.
14. Black squirrels are faster than brown squirrels. Nigh uncatchable.

15. The weather people in Northeast Ohio are pointless.
16. Keeping your office door shut, and one row of lights off is a useful for tricking students, and some professors, into thinking you aren't in your office.
17. Using hot pink staples in the stapler is not professional.
18. Sometimes it's okay to sound stupid in class, as long as you can reasonably defend what you just said. Key word: "reasonably"
19. Stand by what you believe in. This includes Jesus, the Bible, and the fact that you aren't writing a thesis.
20. The next time you consider BSing an assignment, remember what it feels like when you read your students' BSed work... because when you turn in that BSed assignment, your professor, too, will feel offended.
21. Chipotle is a reward, coffee is an essential.
22. If you forgot what being a college student is like because you were out in the field teaching, don't worry, you'll remember how to stay up half the night working on homework by the middle of the semester.
23. Unnecessary amounts of snow are constantly dumped on Cleveland. The only time 2+ feet of snow is ever useful is when it cancels classes.
24. College undergrads, even the most mature ones, will still act like 5th graders when armed with percussion drum sticks.
25. The rock stops to cellos/basses ratio and rosin to violins/violas ratio will NEVER be equal.
26. Wolf resistors are our friends.
27. Bach went to jail at least twice in his career, once for an incident that may have resembled a bar fight.
28. Josquin may have been a good looking man.
29. God LITERALLY will never leave you. He's always there. Always.
30. Keep your priorities straight. Keeping in communication with long-distance friends is always better than being a workaholic.

31. We will break more promises that we make to ourselves than I think we will break with others.
32. Getting more sleep will prevent one from running into doors.
33. Just because it's microwavable doesn't mean it's edible.
34. In 15 degree weather, heat is completely optional (according to College Towers).
35. Everyone has a God meter. How full is yours? When is it fullest? How do you refill?
36. Popping out papers is NOT the same thing as popping out babies.
37. Staying in close contact with great friends makes the long distance A LOT shorter.
38. A Golden Flash is a distressed brown bird, and a Zip is a kangaroo.
39. It's okay if you miss a day at the rec, as long as you don't use the elevator the next day going from classrooms on the 1st floor to offices on the 3rd floor.
40. Bassoon reeds are cool!
41. The Zephyr does NOT have a tree in the middle of their establishment, only an outdoor patio with a tree next to it.
42. The BG Falcons may not be that great at football, but at least they're not as bad as Akron!
43. Clear, direct communication is essential the first time, even if it means losing a good friend.
44. Practicing multiple instruments post-undergrad is A LOT harder than it sounds. A LOT.
45. God will answer our prayers, but it's usually never in the way we expect. When we learn to stop trying to control our lives and God, we can better appreciate and enjoy God's answers and blessings.
46. Even though a college town, nothing in Kent is EVER open as late as it is in Bowling Green.
47. Voldemort has a wife. And she teaches music.
48. When writing any paper longer than 5 pages, make sure you pick a topic that you know you will enjoy, and some topic out of convenience. That bites you in the butt in the end, too.
49. God never promises to take us out of anything, but if we're there, He promises to get us out, and to use it for His glory. He WILL get the glory, in the end.
50. Beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive.
51. Yes, you can play that high on a violin. Unfortunately.
52. Northeast Ohio in the fall is absolutely beautiful.

53. Bang! is addictive.
54. Rock, paper, scissors always settles who gets to answer the office phone.
55. Be careful, if you think you stand firm. The devil is out prowling around like a lion.
56. When we're the weakest, Jesus is the strongest. Meaning, when He shows up and prevails in our lives and works our weakness for His glory, there is literally no other explanation except through His mercy, grace, and love.

Oh, I'm sure there are others... but those are probably some of the bigger ones. After reading some of those it makes one wonder: What will I be learning next semester?

Matthew::Revisited

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." 

-Matthew 5:3-9

 I can remember reading this passage of the Beatitudes when I was in middle school, and thinking, "What in the world do these (the bolded words above) mean? What is Jesus talking about here?!" 

Fast forward to when I started college at BGSU, when I read this again, and thought, "Okay, I think I get it, Jesus. But, I'm the complete antithesis of what you're talking about here. All these words (the bolded words above) I am the exact opposite of. How do I become those?" 

Okay... and fast forward again, to about a year and a half ago: "Okay, Jesus, I'm getting there. But, why would I mourn? Peacemakers? Exactly how do I go about being a 'peacemaker'? And pure in heart... Jesus, I'm so scarred and messed up in that area; I'm not sure I'm ever going to be 'pure in heart'."

After a summer of continually seeking God day after day, of allowing the Spirit to lead me, of hearing the gentle words of Jesus pure and clear, and after close to a semester in grad school... I really do FINALLY understand this passage of Scripture. Not only do I understand it... I FULLY know what the bolded words mean; for I AM THE BOLDED WORDS! Now understanding, here's what these words mean to me personally:

Poor in spirit: To literally understand and acknowledge my spiritual poverty.

Mourn: This could mean different things, but to me, mourning the fact that I have grieved the Holy God with my sin, mourning all those who walk around college campuses that are lost and searching for temporary "solutions" to life's longings.

Meek: Humble; to recognize how tiny and small I am compared to the "bigness" of God; to recognize how little my life's trials matter in the "big picture" of life (basically, the world needs to revolve around God, not me).

Hunger and thirst for righteousness: This one is so big! I long for justice, I long for equality; in what I have gone through and been going through this semester in the School of Music I now know what it means to want righteousness so much that you hunger and thirst for it.

Merciful: Forgiveness; mercy is to not get what you do deserve. I am a big believer now in "second chances" (or fiftieth chances... or even seventy times seven chances!). I deserved for Jesus to completely turn His back on me; I deserved death! But instead, He offered me life, a second chance. How, then, can I not offer someone a "second chance" (or again, seventy times seven).

Pure in heart: FINALLY! Because of my sinful past, it's been really hard to grasp this, or that I could ever be described as that. Because of the grace and forgiveness and healing God has given to me, this is now a topic I am completely PASSIONATE about when talking to women. Pure in heart encompasses the spirit/soul, the mind, and the heart/emotions, as well as the physical. I'm there! Freedom and understanding of this is so beautiful.

Peacemakers: Those that look to end strife; who restore. At times I have been a part of this, but I think this can also encompass those that long for peace, and who strive to live at peace as much as it is possible, and speak peace.

As I read these things tonight, at the height of my stress level for the semester (and, quite possibly life; I'm not sure I've been this stressed in my young 22 years of life), I am taking comfort in knowing that I finally understand, and God has called me "blessed". I pray to continue to sacrifice everything to Jesus, in order to only better understand these things, as I am refined to be who He has created me to be, in His image.

My Story: Unedited, Middle School - It's To Die For

So last time, I think we left off somewhere around middle school. Oh joy. In case you're just now joining us, below is the same short disclaimer from the first post about my life. Just so you the rules.
You may ask me questions about my life story, but you may not condemn me or punish me for it. The important thing to remember here is firstly, this is my story. It is my outlook and views on the events in my life, both as perceived by me, and as revealed by God. Second, it's in the past. It's also important to remember that God is continuing to change us, and offers us grace for our screw-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, and failures. That being said, no matter what I share, you should know that I don't regret a single thing that makes up who I am. Because, as God as revealed in His Word, we must be broken in this lifetime in order to make us beautiful in this lifetime, and prepare us for the surpassing beauty we will have in the next life as the Bride of Christ.

So where were we? Oh, yeah. Starting middle school was a rough and interesting experience. This is about the time girls and guys start realizing that the opposite sex probably doesn't have cooties, like they thought when we were in elementary school. That being said, I never really felt pretty enough. I had nerd classes, and I was still the smartest in the class. I was generally looked over, and occassionally made fun of. We also started playing instruments during this time. I wasn't really that great at violin, I was better at clarinet and trumpet, and I actually wanted to play the cello... but somehow, I'm not sure (to this day, I think it was God), I ended up picking violin at the last minute on some sort of a whim. That lead to more teasing by a lot of the guys in our classes... it was great, hearing talks and getting threats to burn my violin (because it's wood, it obviously burns faster than any brass instrument).

During the 5th and 6th grades there was a lot of fighting between my mom, stepdad, and me. A lot of times I would talk about wanting to live with my dad, because we didn't fight. One night my mom tossed a suitcase to me, told me to call my dad, and leave. That was a rather hard experience. Rather abruptly, in 2 weeks, I had moved out of my mom's house and into my dad's, and transferred schools. I went to a school where I only knew the girl across the street, and left behind all of my friends back in Dayton. So now, not only was I "not pretty enough" and "nerdy", I was also alone and the odd one out, because I didn't know anyone or have friends. Around this time, my dad was dating my now stepmom. This was actually exciting; I really liked her and my now 2 older stepbrothers and 1 younger stepsister.

At the end of my 6th grade year, my dad remarried, and we moved from close to downtown away to Mason, where we now live. After this happened, our family went on the youth retreat to Myrtle Beach, SC. My dad was the youth pastor at this time, and my brothers and I were all in the youth group. This was my first youth retreat, and I was one of the youngest ones. At first, I wasn't into going to all the services, and didn't go to the first few. But, after another girl convinced me that they were "cool", I decided I'd go. They actually ended up being a lot of fun, and I understood the message. For most of my life up to this point, I had always thought I'd go to Heaven because my dad was a youth pastor. But, on the Thursday night of this youth retreat, I remember the pastor speaking, and it all sort of clicked. I was this broken, messed up kid that fought with her parents, and cussed like a sailor at school, and generally felt angry all the time, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to erase these things and earn God's love. I wanted to go forward when the preacher gave the first invitation, but of course, was scared of what people would think, so I stayed where I was. Then, the pastor said, "I know some of you are still sitting there, too afraid to get up. I'm going to count to three, and then we'll all stand together, scared, and come forward." He did that, and my brother's best friend went forward. I'm not sure why this was so significant to me, but it was. Then, when he gave another invitation, I went forward and joined a circle of people from our youth group praying, and told God, "I'm am messed up. I need you to forgive me for being so dirty and angry. For cussing all the time, and fighting with my parents. I want to be clean. Please live in me. Make me clean. Love me in spite of all this." After praying, I told our other youth pastor I had accepted Christ, and was immediately dragged over to my father who started hootin' and hollerin' and swinging me around... the exact thing I didn't want to happen. But there it was, I had finally understood Jesus and who He was, and why He really walked on earth. Also during this week, my younger sister and stepdad had accepted Christ and been baptized. My dad baptized me at the end of that summer in a pool during a youth event.

So, I had accepted Christ. I truly understood Him, believed what He did was true and real, and had asked for His forgiveness, mercy, and love upon my life. However, I still didn't know what it looked like to be true disciple and follower of Christ. I would say that I had accepted Him, but wasn't truly following Him until years later.
After 6th grade, I moved back in with my mom, because Mason didn't have an orchestra, something I'd fallen in love with, and to be back with my friends. I also started attended my mom's church more, and my dad's church less, because I was closer in age to most everyone in the youth group there and felt more accepted. It was an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church, whereas my dad's church was Nondenominational, with affiliations to the Cincinnati Baptist Association and Southern Baptist Convention. I'm not knocking denominations, as long as you're doctrinally sound and lining up with God's Word in the Bible, that's what REALLY matters here. At the time, I thought this Indepedent Fundamental thing was where it was. However, I had a hard time understanding the Bible, because they only believed in using the King James Version. I had to go out and get different clothes to hang out with this youth group all the time, because of the belief that girls had to wear skirts all the time to church, and when hanging out, had to have shorts that went past the knees; it seemed like jeans around church for girls was a sin. But, that's where I felt the most comfortable, and like I fit in for the most part. I had friends at church there, something I felt I didn't have as much at my dad's church due to age differences.

The school life. I spent a lot of 7th and 8th grade hanging out with friends, practicing, and locking myself away from my family in my room. I always felt sad, and/or angry, but at the time, couldn't tell you why. My parents began have differences about money and child support, and I was right in the middle of it. At school, I was losing one group of friends I'd had since 5th grade due to popularity, and was starting to make friends with people in the orchestra. It was a lot of change. During the 8th grade, I was getting way involved in my mom's church, had made a lot of friends, and hung out with them all the time. We generally hung out on the weekends, and a lot of events happened on the weekends I was supposed to be with my dad. I was also getting more into colorguard, which had practices and tryouts on the weekends. Many times, I had to give things up, or say no, because it was my "dad's weekend" and I had to go to Cincinnati. I started practicing my violin more and more, and staying locked up in my room a lot when I was at home.
This all came to a breaking point one weekend. I was already upset over the way my friends were treating me or ignoring me, feeling unpretty, ugly, nerdy, and out of place, along with intense feelings of sadness, confusion, and depression I couldn't begin to explain. I felt like it was my fault I didn't have friends, and I felt like it was my fault my parents were fighting. There was a weekend when colorguard tryouts were happening, and our youth group was doing a lot of things I wanted to be a part of. It was a weekend I was supposed to be with my dad. I had called him and asked if I could stay for the weekend to be a part of all this and was met with a stern, "no" multiple times. Finally, I called on Friday night and simply said I wasn't coming down, because I wanted to do this stuff. My mom felt I was old enough to decide what I wanted to do with my weekends (I was 13), but my dad didn't feel the same way. He called a few times and yelled, and then tried to drive up to Dayton to pick me up. My mom talked to him on the phone a few times, and during it all, I locked myself in the basement, turned on some U2 and the Eagles and A Perfect Circle (I was into that stuff back in the day) and did some good old-fashioned AOL chatting with some friends. I started thinking that maybe my friends be better without me; maybe my parents would quit fighting if I wasn't around; I wouldn't have to worry about being pretty enough, or good enough anymore. I had found some pills, and although I still couldn't swallow one yet, was finding ways to get them into my system, but painkillers and motion sickness pills only do so much; they never really numb the pain. So, I decided at this point, suicide was the best option to make everything better. I came up with a plan and everything. It seemed like the only way out. One night, I said all the things I felt like I needed to say to my friends (on good ol' AOL chat of course), and faked being sick the next morning. It almost worked, until right as my mom was walking out the door for work, the phone rang with the school counselor on the other end concerned, because 6 of my friends had shown up in the office worried because I hadn't shown up for school. My mom sent me to my grandma's, and stayed home, and talked to my dad about what was going on. I can't say that things with my parents were perfect after that, but they kept me out of the fighting, and toned it down some after all that.

What really hit me hard happened about 2 months after that. One day while sitting through yet another American History class, the counselor came in and stopped class, to inform us that a girl in our class, a friend I knew, had committed suicide. Watching her closest friend in my class completely fall apart, and seeing our entire 8th grade class so torn up over it really showed me what an impact suicide has on the people you leave behind. Going to the viewing and funeral was really hard, seeing her there, not the Ashley that was full of life like I had known. It was then that I heard God audibly and clearly, possibly for one of the first times, speak. He very clearly pointed out that murdering is a sin, and that to take my own life would be to murder. He also showed me that to commit suicide was one of the most selfish things I could do, because He has a plan and purpose for my life, and gave me gifts to share with others. In that He has a plan and purpose for my life, God also spoke to me that for me to take my own life is a lot like saying that He doesn't have reign and rule over my life, I do. This really struck me hard, and after this, I honestly said that no matter how tough life gets, I NEVER want to plan to kill myself.

Around the same time, I went through another really rough spot with family. Around the time Ashley committed suicide, my grandfather (see Part 1: In the Beginning for more on him) was doing geneological research in Indiana, and fell, hit his head, and went unconscious. He came around in a day or so, however, this started a long string of him being in the hospital with brain related problems. He saw several neurologists, and went through multiple operations to remove fluid from around his brain, however, the doctors could not explain what was happening. After 2 months of this, he eventually passed away in early May. Even after they did an autopsy, they still couldn't explain what had happened with his brain. They discovered cell-like chambers in and around his brain, where fluid had collected, but the doctors and surgeons had no idea what they were from, or how they formed. His sudden and unexplainable passing really tore through me and my little sister. My grandfather played violin, and was super-excited when I started playing. Even with his arthritis (which made him terribly out of tune), we would still sit and play duets he had collected over the years. He was at every concert and contest, and videotaped them all (except the contests of course, he was pretty bummed that OMEA doesn't allow taping of adjudicated events). I inherited his violin, and at his funeral, I had to play his favorite duet with one of my friends on his violin. I don't even think I made it through the whole piece with out falling apart. It was like everything in the world stopped functioning correctly. Everything "normal" was gone. And, that's partly true, I suppose. I love my grandma, but I don't think she's been the same since my grandpa passed. She didn't have a garden anymore, didn't pick or can apples (even though we offered to pick them for her). The backyard looked sort of empty and lifeless.

My middle school and high school years I feel, with the exception of my junior year of college, were probably some of the darker years of my life. Looking back on middle school and high school (we'll get to that in Part 3, next time) I was angry, sad, confused... and just overall jaded about life. It's honestly amazing to look back and see that I'm still following God today, and that somehow through all of that, and in high school, I didn't just totally turn away and say, "Forget you", to God. I think somewhere inside, I knew that He was who He said He was, and that somehow, some way, some day (I even dreamed about it) I would be redeemed from the mess. That I would have a love for Him like never before. It was down there, somewhere, under the mess. It just took a few more years to find it and believe it.

There you have it. Next Episode: high school, church splits, boys, Jesus, and more! (this will probably be split up into 2 parts because, let's be honest, A LOT of crap happened then)

My Story: Unedited, In the Beginning

I've considered posting "my life story" for some time now, but I'm usually met with reservations and fears. However, at this point, I think it's important to note that each summer I tell people I've only known for weeks my life story (or testimony) in some shortened or elaborated form. So, if I can do that, what difference does it make, posting it here? I think the biggest hinderance I've had is knowing that family sometimes read this, too. And, as much as we'd like to think I've been the perfect P.K. (pastor's kid... we'll get to that later), I'm not, because I'm still a mortal human being living in a sinfully influential world. That being said, let's lay out some quick ground rules.

You may ask me questions about my life story, but you may not condemn me or punish me for it. The important thing to remember here is firstly, this is my story. It is my outlook and views on the events in my life, both as perceived by me, and as revealed by God. Second, it's in the past. It's also important to remember that God is continuing to change us, and offers us grace for our screw-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, and failures. That being said, no matter what I share, you should know that I don't regret a single thing that makes up who I am. Because, as God as revealed in His Word, we must be broken in this lifetime in order to make us beautiful in this lifetime, and prepare us for the surpassing beauty we will have in the next life as the Bride of Christ.

That being said, I'm going to quickly note that because I'd like to put my full story, not the quick 5 minute testimony I give when talking to newer students I meet on the street or at Outreach events, and not the 20 minute testimony I give during Fusion, Lifegroup, or Project Group times, I think I'm going to put it in small installments on here for everyone. Because, for me, every time I reflect on even just a small event in my life, God teaches me something about myself and where He's taking me. For you, who knows, maybe you'll learn something, or maybe it'll serve to explain who I am, and the events that have shaped my life and the core of my being. Okay, that being said, let's get started.

Some background information prior to my birth. My parents married when my mom was 19 and my dad was 21. I was born in August 1988. I'll let you do the math, if you know my parents birth dates. Otherwise, you should just know there was at least a few years before the wedding and my seeing the world. Anyway, yes, I was born in Kentucky, not Ohio. We only lived there for a year, but my dad's from Franklin, and some of my family lives in Kentucky... so if you've always wondered about the occasional accent I sometimes sport... wonder no more. My parents moved to Cincinnati, and then divorced when I was 2. My earliest memory is of us moving out of the house in Cincinnati, it had this dark brown shag-like carpet, and I definitely remember kissing it good-bye as we left the house for the last time. My parents moved to separate apartments nearby, and eventually my mom moved back in with my grandparents in Miamisburg (just south of Dayton, OH) and eventually bought a house, and my dad finally bought a small house in Cincinnati (Springdale to be exact, but our city and zip was still Cinci). During that time I remember my mom working a lot, and so did my grandma, who eventually retired. So, for the most part, I stayed with my grandparents a lot during the week. Through the divorce I saw my dad on the weekends. It seemed like a decently long drive when I was that little, going all the way from Dayton to Cincinnati down I-75 every Friday night and then back up Sunday night. When I started Kindergarten my mom began dating and eventually married my first stepdad, John. I acquired a stepsister who was 4 years older than me, and then when I was 6, my mom had my half sister. We then moved to Moraine (getting closer to downtown Dayton) and I went to elementary school in West Carrollton.

So, the small child to elementary years. You know the background, but what did I do during all that? Well, a typical weekend with my dad was watching the latest Disney animated release (I'm not sure who was more into it, me or dad... maybe both), or watching TGIF on Friday (yeah, you remember all those shows). Saturdays I played with a few friends in the neighborhood, or we would go play games at some arcade in the one mall, and then go up to Franklin and take my grandparents out for dinner. My grandpa always had to buy a lottery ticket on the way out to wherever we were eating, and occasionally had me pick out some of the numbers (maybe for good luck?). He never won. Sundays was church, dad was a youth pastor, and then lunch from McDonald's, and more playing outside until dinner and the long drive back up to Dayton. I remember my dad buying me a lot of things. At the time, I thought it was cool, but looking back on it, it generally makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

Playing @ dad's. Proof that I was a natural redhead, as well.

Back in Dayton, I generally went to school, and then spent the majority of my time with my grandparents. My mom worked a lot, I remember. I watched a lot of TV at my grandparents when it was too cold to be outside. Otherwise, my grandpa and I would play baseball in the driveway or go for walks and bike rides around the block or up to the high school and back. I was the first grandchild of the family, and the apple of my grandpa's eye. He taught me how to play marbles, hit a ball with the baseball bat, and spent a lot of time with me when I was little. He had a big garden in the backyard with vegetables, a strawberry patch and compost piles, peach trees, an apple tree, and dahlias growing along the sides. It wasn't even that huge of a backyard, yet it was, because it had all that in it. He used to let me help him plant all the seeds, and then pick everything in the fall. That used to be the highlight to my fall, going out in the green bean patch and finding green beans and picking them. If I wasn't doing that, my grandma and I were putting puzzles together, coloring in coloring books, or playing Yahtzee or Go Fish. We used to sit on the back porch at night, or in front of the TV, my grandma, grandpa, and I, eating ice cream and watching the sun set or watching Jeopardy.

My grandpa, me, and our dog, Buster, picking peaches

I remember in school I was the smartest in the class from the time I started until high school. In the second grade once, my mom got called in for a parent-teacher conference and was told that my teacher didn't know what to do with me, and that I was a problem in her class... because I was usually the first person to get my work done, and had already finished every activity you could do on the extra-credit board (I wish I still had that kind of diligence in school). At the end of that year, I took a Gifted test, and my mom was told that I did so well on it that I was eligible to skip a grade. I wasn't allowed, because I was already one of the youngest in the class (i.e. I turned 7 on August 2, right before school started, then everyone else turned 8 during that school year). However, I was placed in the elementary Gifted class that met at a different school once a week. I guess this kept me out of my teachers' hairs for a day, being that I was a "problem". Growing up in Dayton, and looking back now, I don't think I knew what real friendship was. The friends I did have only wanted to play with me when they didn't have something better to do or someone better to play with, or they only wanted me around when I could give them answers to their homework. That was my concept of friendship growing up.

I think my stepdad always wished I was a boy. He always treated us girls (there were only girls in the family) a little rough. He also didn't give us as much attention as we might have needed growing up, and it didn't help that he didn't treat my sisters, his actual children, like the "daddy's girls" they should have been treated as. I was also the middle child, which didn't exactly help. A lot of times I felt ignored and uncared for, which really lead to unhealthy habits to get attention. I can remember getting yelled at, and getting into a lot of trouble for fighting with my parents. Again, I was told the reason I was like this was because I was a spoiled brat. At times, I could be quite a pill as a child, which, thinking about it a few years ago, made me sick to think about those times. I didn't really like the way I was treated by my stepdad and didn't like him, and I remember my stepsister didn't like the way my mom treated her. I can remember a few family vacations where we would run off and do our own thing while they had our little sister, because we didn't like each other's parent, which seemed to unite us. As I got older, she stopped coming down on the weekends as much. I thought it was because she didn't like me for awhile, being that I had never had a sibling before because of my parents' early divorce, and I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I later figured out that it didn't have to do with me as much as the parents and her church.

Looking back on these times a few years ago, I used to be repulsed by who I was as a small child. Why did I act the way I did? Was I really a spoiled brat, like everyone said? It really ate away at me, until I thought I was still that way, and didn't like myself. Now, understanding who I am, and the longings God has placed in me, I can better understand this part of my life. Of the 5 love languages, the most important to me is Quality Time, and the second is Words of Affirmation. I think, during this time, I never knew what my real needs were or what I really desired deep down, but I knew there was something I deeply wanted and wasn't getting. Because I didn't know how to accurately express what I wasn't getting, I was just a pill of a child. I didn't know how to, or if I was even allowed to express being unhappy. My dad gave me gifts and toys, and my mom generally yelled at me for being unruly, and so in general, I really didn't get a lot of the quality time I needed. I think a lot of this lead to believing the lie that my parents don't really love me. They tolerate me. I think I've believed that lie for longer than I'd like to think. It's been so imbedded that I didn't realize that I was believing this lie until more recent years. Some of that, I think, eventually carried over to my belief of what God thought of me. Luckily, through mistakes I've made in the last 4 years of undergraduate college, I have deeply come to understand that God absolutely loves and delights in me and there's nothing that will ever change that. I wish I could say the same of my parents. I still occasionally battle that lie when it comes to my parents, and what they say and do. Especially when it's paired with a lack of Words of Affirmation. But, that comes later in my story.

And that's just the beginning of my story. If you're still with me, sweet. Like I said, feel free to ask me questions about my life, but please take your condemnations, judgments and punishments straight to God, first. Because He's already forgiven me, and is using my past to shape me into His beautiful creation.

Next installment: Middle School (oh boy... you can just hear and feel the drama there)

God unfortunately doesn't provide us with training wheels
in real life. We just have to keep getting back up and getting
back on the bike after each mistake and fall.

Ouch!

Have you ever had a cut on your hand? I mean, most of us probably have. You slap a Band-Aid on that sucker and move on with life. You think it's healing, and then one day you're cleaning the bathroom or washing the dishes, and you get some chemical in what you thought was a mostly healed cut, and to your surprise (anger, and dismay), it burns like... well, you know. What's your first reaction?
"Hmm... why didn't this heal? What can I do differently?" Do we honestly analyze our wounds like this?
Heck no! I don't know about anyone else, but let's be honest, when that pain shoots through my body, in the words of Alexandria, "I'm about to cuss." That's about how angry and hurt I am when I'm in that kind of physical pain. But, I also get like that sometimes (or, rather, quite a bit) when I'm in emotional pain.
My amazing friend and staffer at Texas A&M, Macie, is one of the most loving and kind people I can probably think of. Her testimony of God's healing in her life is very inspiring to me. She is currently teaching me so much about God's healing power in my life through Theophostics. But really, what are Theophostics? Well, the best definition I've heard so far is: Allowing God to speak truth into areas of pain and lies in one's life. This is a whole new way of thinking... or rather, in this case, feeling, for me, and while the change is slow to come, I feel that this is going to hugely impact my life, and while painful, is necessary for my life.
So, to begin with, let's talk about anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion, that is visible, while masking the primary emotions that aren't always visible. Okay, I'm about to be really honest here for a minute: I can be a really angry person sometimes. When I was younger, and had red hair, it was blamed on that. Then, it was blamed on being spoiled. Then, it was said that I have a short fuse like one of my parents. But, the question is, which one of these is the reason? I used to think it was all of the above at one point or another, but the real truth is none of them are. Through a lot of talking, and now, a few of my own experiences, I'm really beginning to understand that most of my anger is generally misplaced due to the masking of my primary emotions, and most importantly, my projection of past and unresolved hurt and pain from past experiences that have caused these primary emotions. Here is where Theophostics comes in.
Macie has been teaching me quite a bit about what Theophostics is, how it works, and what happens in a "session" of sorts. The general overview of what happens, is that you are supposed to allow yourself to feel your present emotion (which is generally one of pain), allow it to surface and be intense, and FEEL it. Then, focus on that emotion and find a memory where you also felt that way. Then, look into the lies of it, by asking what that situation said about you, and finally, you ask God what He has to say to you (speaking truth into your life). Now, like I said, this is a whole new way of feeling for me. I'm trying to keep the word "thinking" out of it, because the whole process is about feelings and emotions, and what I believe about myself. My problem is that I like to use logic (some might say I'm a 'logical' person), so as I'm saying stuff out loud, I'm attempting to rationalize everything. But this whole process is completely different. Once I process out loud the lie I'm believing it's super-easy to rationalize it away, by thinking it's irrational that I would think that way. But, that's my mind talking... my heart really does believe that lie, though! And, that's why it's super-important to STOP thinking in order to allow God to speak truth into that lie.
I've been getting frustrated lately, because I do recognize when I do get angry and someone or something, but then it's hard for me to focus on all of that, because I'm too busy trying to rationalize it away. However, tonight, after I had gotten really upset at a friend, and left because I knew I needed some time alone, I was in the perfect place to feel, see, and hear God. And... cue vulnerability.
The lies believed: I am used, I am unloved, I am stupid, I am immature, and I'm definitely not cared about.
Where did it come from? Remembering the fights I had with two friends in high school, and the way I was treated by them during that time.
The healing truth of God:

"I have created you to have emotions and to be sensitive. To feel pain and to express it through crying. People do care about you. They love you and care about you. There is not another you. I have put you in others' lives for you and for them. You are smart, look back to all that you have learned, the knowledge I have given you. I will never use you and throw you to the side. I am using you for great things because I care about you; if I did not create you smart and sensitive I could use you for this purpose and plan. You were created like this because I love you. I love you and I want to spend time with you."

This is true. This is real. Those lies, they were real to me. As real and tangible as the laptop sitting in front of me right now. But, I am SO THANKFUL God can speak even bigger, even better, more beautiful, more tangible, and more loving words of truth into my life to dispell the lies. The peace that I have felt this evening because of God's truth and love and how close He's been to me this evening is beyond all measure.
Theophostics I am learning isn't a one time thing. It's a way of life. And, for someone like me, who has grown up learning to stuff all pain, slap a Band-Aid on, and move on, rather than allowing the Healer to speak truth into and heal my wounds, this is something I desperately desire to become a way of life for me. I may never be completely healed until I reach Heaven, but by allowing God to speak truth into my past wounds and heal them, I may have a better shot at the bigger desires God has for my future, like marriage, a teaching job, children, ministry.

Both pictures were taken on my last hike to Bluebird Lake. The first picture is the remains of the 1978 Ouzel Fire, but the second shows that as this deadened part of the forest recovers, new life springs forth, like the Indian Paintbrush wildflower in the picture.

Fun Fact(s): When we hiked Bluebird Lake, we unnecessarily hiked an extra 4 miles because we accidentally parked at the Sandbeach Lake trailhead then walked 2 miles down to the Wild Basin trailhead. Total miles hiked that day (including the parking fail): 17. We also saw a black bear cub, 3 waterfalls, 2 other lakes, a marmot, a camera-loving chipmunk, and a ptarmigan on the trail that day. Pictures on Facebook.