5 Day Challenge: Day 1

At H2O Worship last night, Matt McClure talked about humility by reading James 4:1-10 and Philippians 2:1-11. He discussed flamboyant and subtle pride. Taking an honest moment here, I'd definitely have to say I fall in the latter of those 2 categories. Here was Matt's explanation of subtle pride: "If you take an inventory of your life at the end of the day - all the things that are important, passions, what breaks your heart - in the end, it's all about you, what you want, what you think, YOUR desires and passions... not God's." This definitely made me stop and think... does what I think and want and desire REALLY line up with what God wants? As much as I'd like to think so, in the end, I know that's not true.
At the end, Matt presented what he calls the "5 Day Challenge." If you read through H2O KSU students' Facebook profiles this week, chances are you're going to see a lot of statuses related to this. The challenge is to:

• Read: Philippians 2:1-11 every day for the next 5 days.
• Reflect: on how Jesus has humbled Himself for you.
• Respond: every day write down, or post a Facebook status, that says, "God ______, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it."

Already after one day, I find it really encouraging and awesome to see so many students with Facebook statuses about what God has done for them, and how they've done absolutely NOTHING to earn or deserve it. For the next 5 days, I'll be posting my statements and prayers or discussions about what I'm reflecting on.

Day 1: God has given me more "second chances" than I am worthy of, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.

Song: "Devotion" - Hillsong United

I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focues on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord

Jesus, thank You for providing me with second chances. Without Your blood, I would not be forgiven, I would be without second chances. Day after day You cleanse me and forgive me when I fall, picking me up and washing me clean, helping me to stand and walk with You where You lead. Without You Jesus, I would have been dead in my sin as a young child. Thank you for creating me with a purpose, saving me from death, giving me second chances at life when I completely blow it. Help me to view others in the same way You view them, that I may be quicker to forgive and give others second chances in my life. Help me to increase in Your mercy. We know that this is a very weak area in my life, but through You, may I increase in Your mercy, that Your name would be glorified. Help me to see others as You do, to know that I am no better than they are, and to see their potential as Your children created for a purpose in this life. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving and saving me even when I constantly forget You and grieve Your Spirit. Thank You for Your endless mercy, for second chances.

Prayers, Contentment, and 180's

I want to be transparent for a few minutes tonight, to show God's amazing power, His unfailing and never-ending love for His children. Last week I (all misgivings aside) openly shared what I've been struggling with. I want to show a "then to now" picture of what God's done in this last week! Dang, He's been busy! Check out the indescribable Savior I love and serve!

I met with my amazing mentor, Tiffany, on Tuesday for lunch, and discussed all of my life and growing pains- she and Mason are GREAT listeners, by the way! (and yes, I believe this is the 4th h2o child that knows all about my life now... and will never remember it!) So, taking Sunday's spilling, and this, I left armed with needing prayer for:

-contentment with where God wants me, whether that's giving my life to serving in the college church, or teaching music to college and high school kids

-boundaries! in a relationship, in friendships with h2o people vs. students I teach (this is probably the biggest one I struggle with in this area)

-continual understanding of my freedom in Christ, freedom from my past

This week, after much praying and weighing it out, I made a tough decision not to go to Core Retreat and to, instead, go to the OMEA Conference. This was super-tough because it was a huge H2O event that I was missing in favor of "my career" which I've been struggling to be content in as of late. This turned out to be an amazing and blessed decision! It's so ridiculous and mind-blowing for me to just sit back and say, "God did a work in me through the OMEA Conference." Seriously? A "professional development" music teachers' conference? YES! It's true! God spoke and taught me things through it! What did He say?

He showed me that I am right where He wants me to be, that the people, relationships, and positions I have right now are exactly as He placed them. That He loves me, and that He has begun and is doing a work in me that is beyond anything I can see, imagine, comprehend, or understand- because He loves His children, and He understands my desires better than I do, and wants to bless His children with good gifts. He is giving, has given, and will give me good gifts- that are beyond what I understand of my desires! Whoa.... whoa. With that, I really feel lead to share some of my prayers from last night and today:

"How can You be so good to me? To love me as much as You do? To save me from Hell, only to watch me run right back to the dirt and mud, trying to drag You with me. Yet You love me enough to provide me with supportive family, amazing friends, a loving church family, four wonderful summers in Colorado, the gift of music and a personality and love/passion to teach it, Renewal - Truth - Love - Mercy - Grace, and now a bunch of new beginnings that I feel completely undeserving of. God, I still can't understand - can't even begin to fathom, how I've gone from someone who only allowed themselves to be used, who sabotaged every relationship they had, who was so afraid of a relationship, to being someone who has complete freedom in You, who has found love and life in YOU, and someone You've blessed with so much. Exactly how I deserve this I may never understand - but I know that You love Your children and desire great things for them. And so I'll never stop thanking You for all these things. It's only through Your Almighty Power and Heavenly Love that any of this could even be possible for my life. You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, You are my Father in Heaven."

 "God, I feel like I have learned so much this weekend and week - and yet I'm still learning! Like You've spoken to me, and I know, but I haven't been able to comprehend it all, to fathom it all, to process and understand it all. But I do know that in all, I do truly pray that Your will would be done and You would be glorified in all. Where do we even begin? I fell, but need confirmation, that You are asking me to be content with where You have placed me right now. I may not be in formal leadership, I may be doing more with music, but I feel You've asked me to be content with this. I don't completely like it, and need help being content, but trust that in the end You will work it for Your good and that it will surpass anything I can imagine. I pray You would use me in the music realm to bring glory to Your name and to share Your light and love.

 "I also hear You asking me to be content with and to embrace the tension placed in my life. This is so hard and frustrating at times, having friends that are the same age as student I give grades for, but I pray You'd help me to embrace and live in the middle of the tension - and that it would even bring me joy. 

 "Take me deeper in Your love and grace. I don't have to be a leader in the church to have a deep-rooted faith and beautiful relationship with You. My faith comes from my belief in You and Your Word and our relationship. I pray You'd teach me the deep things of You, of Your mysteries, of Your Word, of Your TRUTH, of Your unfailing love. Because in the end You alone are my stability - You and no one or nothing else, You are the one unchanging thing in my life. You are always the same. And so I want to be deeper in our relationship, so that I would always remember that my stability in life comes from You alone."

I have no idea why God is asking me to be transparent here and now, but I do know that my prayer is that He uses it and gets the glory. Because let's be honest, people don't just randomly come to these decisions on their own. People don't just pull some 180's out of nowhere. It's totally Jesus. He's totally sweet and faithful to stick with us even when we are confused, angry, upset, frustrated, rebelling... you name it, He's still right there next to us, even when we're a broken mess. In fact, that's His favorite place to be. Because then He can take the broken mess, like me, and start to rearrange the pieces into this beautiful mosaic.