Prayers, Contentment, and 180's

I want to be transparent for a few minutes tonight, to show God's amazing power, His unfailing and never-ending love for His children. Last week I (all misgivings aside) openly shared what I've been struggling with. I want to show a "then to now" picture of what God's done in this last week! Dang, He's been busy! Check out the indescribable Savior I love and serve!

I met with my amazing mentor, Tiffany, on Tuesday for lunch, and discussed all of my life and growing pains- she and Mason are GREAT listeners, by the way! (and yes, I believe this is the 4th h2o child that knows all about my life now... and will never remember it!) So, taking Sunday's spilling, and this, I left armed with needing prayer for:

-contentment with where God wants me, whether that's giving my life to serving in the college church, or teaching music to college and high school kids

-boundaries! in a relationship, in friendships with h2o people vs. students I teach (this is probably the biggest one I struggle with in this area)

-continual understanding of my freedom in Christ, freedom from my past

This week, after much praying and weighing it out, I made a tough decision not to go to Core Retreat and to, instead, go to the OMEA Conference. This was super-tough because it was a huge H2O event that I was missing in favor of "my career" which I've been struggling to be content in as of late. This turned out to be an amazing and blessed decision! It's so ridiculous and mind-blowing for me to just sit back and say, "God did a work in me through the OMEA Conference." Seriously? A "professional development" music teachers' conference? YES! It's true! God spoke and taught me things through it! What did He say?

He showed me that I am right where He wants me to be, that the people, relationships, and positions I have right now are exactly as He placed them. That He loves me, and that He has begun and is doing a work in me that is beyond anything I can see, imagine, comprehend, or understand- because He loves His children, and He understands my desires better than I do, and wants to bless His children with good gifts. He is giving, has given, and will give me good gifts- that are beyond what I understand of my desires! Whoa.... whoa. With that, I really feel lead to share some of my prayers from last night and today:

"How can You be so good to me? To love me as much as You do? To save me from Hell, only to watch me run right back to the dirt and mud, trying to drag You with me. Yet You love me enough to provide me with supportive family, amazing friends, a loving church family, four wonderful summers in Colorado, the gift of music and a personality and love/passion to teach it, Renewal - Truth - Love - Mercy - Grace, and now a bunch of new beginnings that I feel completely undeserving of. God, I still can't understand - can't even begin to fathom, how I've gone from someone who only allowed themselves to be used, who sabotaged every relationship they had, who was so afraid of a relationship, to being someone who has complete freedom in You, who has found love and life in YOU, and someone You've blessed with so much. Exactly how I deserve this I may never understand - but I know that You love Your children and desire great things for them. And so I'll never stop thanking You for all these things. It's only through Your Almighty Power and Heavenly Love that any of this could even be possible for my life. You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, You are my Father in Heaven."

 "God, I feel like I have learned so much this weekend and week - and yet I'm still learning! Like You've spoken to me, and I know, but I haven't been able to comprehend it all, to fathom it all, to process and understand it all. But I do know that in all, I do truly pray that Your will would be done and You would be glorified in all. Where do we even begin? I fell, but need confirmation, that You are asking me to be content with where You have placed me right now. I may not be in formal leadership, I may be doing more with music, but I feel You've asked me to be content with this. I don't completely like it, and need help being content, but trust that in the end You will work it for Your good and that it will surpass anything I can imagine. I pray You would use me in the music realm to bring glory to Your name and to share Your light and love.

 "I also hear You asking me to be content with and to embrace the tension placed in my life. This is so hard and frustrating at times, having friends that are the same age as student I give grades for, but I pray You'd help me to embrace and live in the middle of the tension - and that it would even bring me joy. 

 "Take me deeper in Your love and grace. I don't have to be a leader in the church to have a deep-rooted faith and beautiful relationship with You. My faith comes from my belief in You and Your Word and our relationship. I pray You'd teach me the deep things of You, of Your mysteries, of Your Word, of Your TRUTH, of Your unfailing love. Because in the end You alone are my stability - You and no one or nothing else, You are the one unchanging thing in my life. You are always the same. And so I want to be deeper in our relationship, so that I would always remember that my stability in life comes from You alone."

I have no idea why God is asking me to be transparent here and now, but I do know that my prayer is that He uses it and gets the glory. Because let's be honest, people don't just randomly come to these decisions on their own. People don't just pull some 180's out of nowhere. It's totally Jesus. He's totally sweet and faithful to stick with us even when we are confused, angry, upset, frustrated, rebelling... you name it, He's still right there next to us, even when we're a broken mess. In fact, that's His favorite place to be. Because then He can take the broken mess, like me, and start to rearrange the pieces into this beautiful mosaic.

Lessons Learned: A Collection of Thoughts

I have finally finished my first semester of graduate school, which is kind of ridiculous and crazy to think about. My first semester at a new university, with a new set of friends, new surroundings, new town, new part of Ohio for me to live in. A lot of "news." So, what have I learned in this first semester? Here's a list of some serious, and not-so-serious "lessons":

1. When moving in, one should have systematic order for unpacking boxes and organizing their contents.

2. At Kent State, it's important to order a parking pass approximately 6.894267 months before you will ever use it, unless you enjoy walking uphill in a blizzard.
3. Listening to worship music and praying while walking to campus can be a great way to spend a little time with Jesus throughout the day.
4. Somewhere around October, your body replaces the blood in your system with coffee.
5. Why order Papa John's, when Guys is less than a mile down the road?
6. Procrastination kills.
7. At some point, learning when to say "no" can save your life.
8. Northeast Ohio drivers are out to kill.
9. Always plan for technology to be a hater.
10. If BG Parking Services were considered Nazis, KSU Parking Services must be Fascists.
11. God likes sitting in on Research Methods courses. If you listen, He'll even weigh in His thoughts, too.
12. Cello strings are not harmless, they will attack.
13. Some students think the word "OPTIONAL" is written at the top of the syllabus. In light of this, I think I'd like to add, "Thou shalt obey mine commands." Just a suggestion, though.
14. Black squirrels are faster than brown squirrels. Nigh uncatchable.

15. The weather people in Northeast Ohio are pointless.
16. Keeping your office door shut, and one row of lights off is a useful for tricking students, and some professors, into thinking you aren't in your office.
17. Using hot pink staples in the stapler is not professional.
18. Sometimes it's okay to sound stupid in class, as long as you can reasonably defend what you just said. Key word: "reasonably"
19. Stand by what you believe in. This includes Jesus, the Bible, and the fact that you aren't writing a thesis.
20. The next time you consider BSing an assignment, remember what it feels like when you read your students' BSed work... because when you turn in that BSed assignment, your professor, too, will feel offended.
21. Chipotle is a reward, coffee is an essential.
22. If you forgot what being a college student is like because you were out in the field teaching, don't worry, you'll remember how to stay up half the night working on homework by the middle of the semester.
23. Unnecessary amounts of snow are constantly dumped on Cleveland. The only time 2+ feet of snow is ever useful is when it cancels classes.
24. College undergrads, even the most mature ones, will still act like 5th graders when armed with percussion drum sticks.
25. The rock stops to cellos/basses ratio and rosin to violins/violas ratio will NEVER be equal.
26. Wolf resistors are our friends.
27. Bach went to jail at least twice in his career, once for an incident that may have resembled a bar fight.
28. Josquin may have been a good looking man.
29. God LITERALLY will never leave you. He's always there. Always.
30. Keep your priorities straight. Keeping in communication with long-distance friends is always better than being a workaholic.

31. We will break more promises that we make to ourselves than I think we will break with others.
32. Getting more sleep will prevent one from running into doors.
33. Just because it's microwavable doesn't mean it's edible.
34. In 15 degree weather, heat is completely optional (according to College Towers).
35. Everyone has a God meter. How full is yours? When is it fullest? How do you refill?
36. Popping out papers is NOT the same thing as popping out babies.
37. Staying in close contact with great friends makes the long distance A LOT shorter.
38. A Golden Flash is a distressed brown bird, and a Zip is a kangaroo.
39. It's okay if you miss a day at the rec, as long as you don't use the elevator the next day going from classrooms on the 1st floor to offices on the 3rd floor.
40. Bassoon reeds are cool!
41. The Zephyr does NOT have a tree in the middle of their establishment, only an outdoor patio with a tree next to it.
42. The BG Falcons may not be that great at football, but at least they're not as bad as Akron!
43. Clear, direct communication is essential the first time, even if it means losing a good friend.
44. Practicing multiple instruments post-undergrad is A LOT harder than it sounds. A LOT.
45. God will answer our prayers, but it's usually never in the way we expect. When we learn to stop trying to control our lives and God, we can better appreciate and enjoy God's answers and blessings.
46. Even though a college town, nothing in Kent is EVER open as late as it is in Bowling Green.
47. Voldemort has a wife. And she teaches music.
48. When writing any paper longer than 5 pages, make sure you pick a topic that you know you will enjoy, and some topic out of convenience. That bites you in the butt in the end, too.
49. God never promises to take us out of anything, but if we're there, He promises to get us out, and to use it for His glory. He WILL get the glory, in the end.
50. Beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive.
51. Yes, you can play that high on a violin. Unfortunately.
52. Northeast Ohio in the fall is absolutely beautiful.

53. Bang! is addictive.
54. Rock, paper, scissors always settles who gets to answer the office phone.
55. Be careful, if you think you stand firm. The devil is out prowling around like a lion.
56. When we're the weakest, Jesus is the strongest. Meaning, when He shows up and prevails in our lives and works our weakness for His glory, there is literally no other explanation except through His mercy, grace, and love.

Oh, I'm sure there are others... but those are probably some of the bigger ones. After reading some of those it makes one wonder: What will I be learning next semester?

Does it REALLY matter?

I know, I know. You're staring at the page thinking, "How can this girl post a blog at a time like THIS?" Yes, when I have an impending 20 page paper, more homework, and papers to grade, I'm writing a blog. Why, you ask? Because, my research book has made me, once again, realize what I'd RATHER be doing after I get out of grad school.
In this week's chapter, the author is urging music teachers to utilize research in the classroom to better the educational system. He says that through conducting our own research and implementing the research we read, we could change the course of education in this country. That's a pretty weighty statement, if you ask me. While that may be true, that the research done in the field of music education concerning teaching methods, assessment and evaluation, learning, perception, practice habits, cognition, etc. could very much change music education in many beneficial ways, I can't help, but think of an even bigger and better change.
As I'm also reading this, I'm also seeing this movement on Facebook to "change your profile picture to your favorite cartoon character or past favorite cartoon character to raise awareness about child abuse." A friend of mine posted in his status that he didn't understand why everyone was changing their pictures for the weekend, when the majority of these people probably haven't given a second thought to how they can donate their time and resources to actively taking a part in fighting child abuse. In posting this status update, he's hoping to challenge people to do something, to actively taking a part in providing social justice. As I began thinking about what I could do, again, I couldn't help but think of an even bigger and better way to help - an even bigger and better change.
I want to be Jesus to people. To help them see His light and love and mercy and grace. Let's be honest for a second, if you truly know and follow Christ, your whole life changes. You no longer live for yourself, but for Him, and His people. When I think about all the things I could be doing, whether it's devoting all my extra time to fighting child abuse, or becoming a music teacher and taking an active part in implementing and conducting research, becoming active in politics in the hopes of seeing educational reform... I can't help but think that I can do something more. Thinking about things like this reminds me of a former youth pastor of mine, whose life quote was:

"My greatest fear in life is not to fail, but to succeed in something that does not matter for Christ."

All those things that I COULD be doing... would I be succeeding in ANYTHING for the cause of Christ? Just as important to ask: am I even PASSIONATE about any of that stuff? To be honest, where teaching is concerned, I almost couldn't care less about whether or not I'm used newly researched methods and techniques to teach my children music or not! Honestly, it's not even a part of my teaching philosophy! My philosophy of teaching, and my concerns in teaching, deal with providing children a form of expression so they may be able to express themselves when words just aren't enough, a way to see beyond their surroundings - their "world", and to see the bigger picture of life. But even then, knowing that is what I'm passionate about, if I succeed in those things, will all that matter in the cause of Christ? Certainly, it could help. But then again, I know many people who are very expressive, who think about the "big picture", the world as a whole, and yet have hard hearts toward Christ.


This is what I want to change. This is what I care about. This is what I'm PASSIONATE about. I'm most passionate about high school and college students coming to know the God I know, my Jesus who loves them SO MUCH HE DIED, and to see that there is SO MUCH MORE to life than living day to day, than the carnal living this world provides. And in the end, once this is grasped, a whole and eternal love affair with the God of the universe, EVERYTHING ELSE WILL CHANGE. We can't truly know and be in a relationship with Christ without Him turning our every value, thought, and our entire world as we know it upside down. That's what He came for! If I can lead people to Him, storm the gates of hell and bring Heaven with me, then I think all these other issues would begin to change. As people come to know Christ, they see the madness, the mess that is our world, and they can't help but be passionate to change it. That's what I'm passionate about. Leading people through the gates of Heaven to our Savior, that they may see the world through His eyes, and share this passion to change the world.

Music Education and Cinderella are related

You know, when I finally leave the School of Music, when I put away all my homework and readings, when I leave all the work that I have to do behind... I can finally see again why I wanted to teach music. But, it's only after I get rid of all that.
There's something tragic about the Graduate level of Music Education. Once you leave behind the clinical approach to undergraduate study, and enter the graduate world, you enter this entire world of research and philosophy. And honestly, it's a little grotesque. Don't get me wrong, it's great that people want to study and find ways to more efficiently teach children, and to understand why certain things happen in music teaching that may lead to positive or negative effects. But, when I finally remember what it is about music that's so special to me, I can finally see the devastating effects that all of this unbalanced research in my life is having. The majority of what I do right now is read research reports, and philosophical writings about music.
To me, music has a powerful and mysterious quality about it. It frees my soul and opens it up in such a way that I can clearly hear God when He speaks. Music helps to slightly lessen the burden I carry in life. Music speaks the emotions I cannot verbalize (both instrumental and the lyrics to songs). It helps me connect to nature, which are two of the primary ways in which I connect with God (music and nature). This is why I play so many instruments. To express the deep and intense emotions I cannot verbalize, to speak to God in such a way when words just won't do. There's just something about music that gets to me, that God has woven into the core of my being, my DNA.

When trying to explain how constantly reading research and philosophical writings about music education, and having all of my practice time on my instruments vanish before my eyes due to the constant demands of the assistantship and overly large workload, this was the best I could come up with.



Yes, that is from Disney's Cinderella. The original picture I came up with was some beautiful bird having its feathers plucked out one by one... but I think this scene from Cinderella relates more to a person's feelings.
But, I literally feel like I'm dissecting something mysterious and special. Which, when that happens, leaves absolutely no room for mystery. I watched "Next" this past weekend. Look it up, it's pretty good, minus the line he says to Jessica Biel (which first, to Jessica Biel, is gross and ridiculous... they're 20 years apart!) about "It may be a week or a month, or a year, but if you wait, I'll find you." (not the exact words, but close enough to the cheesyness that was used). Anyway, Cage plays a guy that can see 2 minutes in the future, and refuses to help the FBI. When questioned by Biel as to why he's not helping them, he responds by saying that all the mystery would be gone.

"Every once in awhile what we think is magic is the real deal hiding behind a $50 trick, because the alternative is impossible for others to live with."

Although not as closely linked to my argument as the Cinderella analogy, I think music can be somewhat related. I think the only difference is that music is not hiding, it's out there, and we know of its mystery and power tied to our emotions and souls, but it's like we have to prove that it's all science. It's all part of this brain chemical or that reaction... thus reducing the mystery to science. I honestly think that it's impossible for the elitists out there to live with mystery. It's the same with Christianity and our belief of the Bible, God, and Jesus, and the scientist's resolution to prove that every mystery of God is nothing more than a brainwave or chemical reaction (or a Big Bang, in a few cases).

Or my other favorite, in the case of the music elitist, not only do they write all this research, but they have all these philosophical discussions. One of my "favorites", as of late, is the philosophical discussion about what music is and isn't, and the definitions of aesthetic and musical value. Just in case you don't feel like reading all of these, let me summarize for you that the majority ONLY discuss "classical" music (classical is used here to mean any orchestral, band, or choir music). The majority of our music elitist friends never discuss the folk, rock, blues, etc. music played in bars, at county fairs or fruit/vegetable festivals, or on the streets informally. The majority of these informal gatherings, at least this is what I'm sensing and feeling from all of this, are considered "amateur". And, if discussed at all, they seem to be looked down upon, which means they might not be considered "music" by our philosophical music elitist friends.
Funny how that is, because those types of music are probably what the majority of at least the American population comes into contact with than the classical symphonic band, orchestra, or choir. And our incorrectly deemed "amateur" forms of music possibly speak to the human soul just as much and more than the classical symphony at times. Yet, somehow it's either never mentioned or thrown in the "not music" category by the philosophical music elitist.

I think my biggest question, that often goes unanswered and leaves me feeling quite a bit of angst each week as I have to read more philosophy and research articles, is why can't we just be okay with mystery in our lives? Why can't we just appreciate the mystery that exists in our lives, rather than feeling a need to completely dissect it and tear it apart?

Notes from a Graduate Student

I know I once posted to my Facebook some notes from my undergraduate Astronomy class, that I'm sure everyone by now has read. If you haven't, they were quite entertaining.
This time, however, is different.

In the last two weeks, I've had to do a lot of reading (in general, between my 3 classes I'm taking, I'm assigned to read 150 pages a week) about Philosophy in Music Education. This, in general, is probably not the best thing for me to be reading right now. Why, you ask? For starters, I'm already in the unstable position of asking God why He sent me to graduate school, when my heart's huge and most passionate desire is to go for staff with Great Commission Ministries (preferrably at Bowling Green, unless God puts in me an insatiable desire to go somewhere else). Let's also consider that generally, Philosophy in Music Education encompasses one's values and beliefs for teaching music. These values and beliefs guide how a teacher teaches music, and why they're even in the profession in the first place.
That being said, I've definitely be questioning God about graduate school more than ever! So, without further interruption, here are some notes from my graduate classes:

Foundations of Music Education

• I feel that music is valuable, but you don't need to be in a music class to feel its power or see its value in your life. (Uh oh, it's not looking good. See next question.)
• So why is teaching music important to me? Why did I choose this instead of math or english or science or history?
• My philosophy, purpose, and overriding life goals, passions, and understanding have little to do with music. And everything to do with living a life of purpose, on purpose, completely content and fulfilled in God's neverending love and grace.
• My purpose, reasoning, and philosophy for being a music educator, I realize, can be carried out in a much more meaningful way in a more lasting context. (BAM! And there it goes...)

As for why I'm in Graduate School... well, as many of you know, I'm in this Research in Music Education class that's been giving me the toughest time. This is about to be the craziest thing (or most amazing thing), but God SPOKE to me during Research class last night! Here's the DL:

Written at the top of my notes for the night, also highlighted:

• "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change."
• "Do not speak, unless spoken to."
• "Do not defend ANYTHING."

If I've told you about this class, even once, you know why those were there. Now, during this particular class last night, I was consciously questioning God as to why I had to sit through this. At one point, I was so overcome with how pointless this class was to my life's goal, that I was about to gather my things, stand up, and just leave. Then God spoke:

"Kristen, you can't get up and walk out of here, yet. I'm not finished. I am still working to prepare you for this. The trials you are now going through have a purpose in the preparation. Look to Me. Talk to Me. Let Me guide you. We'll journey together in this."

Dang, that was powerful! I can't even totally describe to you just how clear that was, but it was crystal clear in the middle of the professor talking. God proved to me last night exactly what Paul said in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Let's do this God! Let's journey together! I know it's definitely hard to look to God in the midst of the crap we sometimes go through, but listen for His crystal clear voice. Because if you do, He's going to guide you through the dark and tangled forest, and lead us out into the view of His Majesty!