Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

Does it REALLY matter?

I know, I know. You're staring at the page thinking, "How can this girl post a blog at a time like THIS?" Yes, when I have an impending 20 page paper, more homework, and papers to grade, I'm writing a blog. Why, you ask? Because, my research book has made me, once again, realize what I'd RATHER be doing after I get out of grad school.
In this week's chapter, the author is urging music teachers to utilize research in the classroom to better the educational system. He says that through conducting our own research and implementing the research we read, we could change the course of education in this country. That's a pretty weighty statement, if you ask me. While that may be true, that the research done in the field of music education concerning teaching methods, assessment and evaluation, learning, perception, practice habits, cognition, etc. could very much change music education in many beneficial ways, I can't help, but think of an even bigger and better change.
As I'm also reading this, I'm also seeing this movement on Facebook to "change your profile picture to your favorite cartoon character or past favorite cartoon character to raise awareness about child abuse." A friend of mine posted in his status that he didn't understand why everyone was changing their pictures for the weekend, when the majority of these people probably haven't given a second thought to how they can donate their time and resources to actively taking a part in fighting child abuse. In posting this status update, he's hoping to challenge people to do something, to actively taking a part in providing social justice. As I began thinking about what I could do, again, I couldn't help but think of an even bigger and better way to help - an even bigger and better change.
I want to be Jesus to people. To help them see His light and love and mercy and grace. Let's be honest for a second, if you truly know and follow Christ, your whole life changes. You no longer live for yourself, but for Him, and His people. When I think about all the things I could be doing, whether it's devoting all my extra time to fighting child abuse, or becoming a music teacher and taking an active part in implementing and conducting research, becoming active in politics in the hopes of seeing educational reform... I can't help but think that I can do something more. Thinking about things like this reminds me of a former youth pastor of mine, whose life quote was:

"My greatest fear in life is not to fail, but to succeed in something that does not matter for Christ."

All those things that I COULD be doing... would I be succeeding in ANYTHING for the cause of Christ? Just as important to ask: am I even PASSIONATE about any of that stuff? To be honest, where teaching is concerned, I almost couldn't care less about whether or not I'm used newly researched methods and techniques to teach my children music or not! Honestly, it's not even a part of my teaching philosophy! My philosophy of teaching, and my concerns in teaching, deal with providing children a form of expression so they may be able to express themselves when words just aren't enough, a way to see beyond their surroundings - their "world", and to see the bigger picture of life. But even then, knowing that is what I'm passionate about, if I succeed in those things, will all that matter in the cause of Christ? Certainly, it could help. But then again, I know many people who are very expressive, who think about the "big picture", the world as a whole, and yet have hard hearts toward Christ.


This is what I want to change. This is what I care about. This is what I'm PASSIONATE about. I'm most passionate about high school and college students coming to know the God I know, my Jesus who loves them SO MUCH HE DIED, and to see that there is SO MUCH MORE to life than living day to day, than the carnal living this world provides. And in the end, once this is grasped, a whole and eternal love affair with the God of the universe, EVERYTHING ELSE WILL CHANGE. We can't truly know and be in a relationship with Christ without Him turning our every value, thought, and our entire world as we know it upside down. That's what He came for! If I can lead people to Him, storm the gates of hell and bring Heaven with me, then I think all these other issues would begin to change. As people come to know Christ, they see the madness, the mess that is our world, and they can't help but be passionate to change it. That's what I'm passionate about. Leading people through the gates of Heaven to our Savior, that they may see the world through His eyes, and share this passion to change the world.

Teaching Unconditional Love

I once met a wise professor, Dr. Peter Boonshaft, from New York, who told me, "You teach as much of what you know as who you are." The teaching moment and practical application of this is that generally, somewhere along the way in our teaching, what we think, value, feel, and believe will eventually show up in something, somewhere, at some point. I think there's something to be said of this in life as well, with our day to day interactions with others. It's important to understand our actions, as well as be aware of others.

In general, sometimes I find it really hard to believe in the unconditional love of human beings. I think I've felt this way from the time I was a little girl; the only difference being that today I am experiencing God's unconditional love, therefore I know that if someone is completely lost in His love, unconditional love is possible. From the time I was little, after my parents' divorce, I think anytime they got upset and angry, or were cross with me, anytime I did something wrong and was punished, I thought they didn't love me anymore. That even rang true up through the last few years as well; when we would get into fights I felt like I was more a burden than anything to them. Then, there were my friends when I was younger. There "love" was completely conditional; I was only wanted when it was convenient, when nothing or no one better could be found. Anytime I got into a fight with a friend, I knew I was no longer loved. Every time a fight occurred, my friends and I wouldn't speak to each other for days; there was a lot of whispering behind my back, mean words were said, then eventually it'd all be over and we'd go back to being friends. They seemed to think everything was normal again, but I was always walking on eggshells, trying to understand what I had to do to make up for it, what I could do to re-gain their friendship and "love". Whether with family or friends, anytime something happens, I feel like I'm a burden, probably unwanted, and that I need to DO something to make up for... to earn love again.

I know I definitely used to feel that way about God. The unfortunate thing about aging (well, there's a lot of unfortunate things, but one of them...) is that the sins we commit become more complicated (not worse, for God says all sin is equal, meaning there is no hierarchy). When that happens, even in the recent years, I've definitely had my share of times where I've made my promises to God, I've cried and asked Him what I need to do to make it up, I've strived harder and harder to be cleaner. Which usually just results in me falling on my face in the mud again. 

We can't ever "earn" love. Not God's, not man's. First, and most importantly, God clearly says there's nothing we can do to "earn" His love. We already have it, if we only reach out and take His gift of free and eternal love. Second, if we ever think that we have "earned" another human's love, or are told we have, we should be super-wary of it. Love is a gift, one that cannot be earned. If we've ever "earned" another's love, it's only counterfeit, and not the real thing. The real thing is a free gift bestowed to us. We cannot truly understand FREE LOVE until we understand God's love for us.

Knowing this, in life we really do "teach as much of what we know as who we are". In every interaction with another human, every conversation, every time we're with our friends and family. We as humans, though we use the word "objectively" quite liberally, cannot do much of anything "objectively". Sure, maybe with an open and receptive mind, but I feel that to be completely "objective" one would have to completely flush his own experiences, values, beliefs, Truths and lies from his heart and mind. We bring our experiences to the table in our interactions with each other, in everything we do. Sure, we may say one thing, but more often than not, our actions and nonverbal cues will give away what we are really thinking, what we really believe.

This is really important to the conduct of our daily lives. But, it is also important in how we perceive others. Let's say I'm in a conversation with someone and they keep giving me one-word answers, and are short with me. As I said before, I've struggled with fully knowing and understanding that I can be unconditionally loved by another human being. That being said, if I don't understand the "free love" of God, and that we also "teach who we are", when someone is short with me, or sends me a message in which I perceive annoyance, I will more than likely wonder what I did wrong to that person, and question our relationship. However, if I DO understand these things, then I understand that it's possible that in the above conversation I may have touched a spot of unresolved conflict, a lie of the devil that has not been replaced with the Loving Truth of Christ, etc., which may have elicited the short answers, and negative attitude. I am seeing this person with the open eyes of Christ, and understanding that they are not personally attacking me or out to withhold their love from me as a punishment, but are instead reacting in pain.

Unconditional love is: opening up your heart and life and handing over your trust
to 20 strangers just after meeting them, then spending your entire summer with them.

While I still at times struggle with knowing I am unconditionally loved by humans, I am coming to understand it more and more each day through Christ. As Christ shows me time and again that he doesn't care what I was or what I did or what happened in my past, I am coming closer to understanding that those who truly love me also do not and will not care about who I was, only who I am, and who I will be, and Christ continues to mold and shape me. That has been big fear of mine: that one day I will tell someone truly close to me who I was before Christ cleansed me, and will only be seen for who I was, not who I am now, or who God is creating me to be, and then that person will walk away from me. But, God has been showing me what unconditional love really is, slowly, day by day. Helping me to understand that after setting my trust firmly in Christ, that I next have to open myself up to trust others with my fragile heart and life, and that if others do not love me unconditionally, that it is because they are looking through their own experiences, rather than through Christ.