This is... summer?

Today, I am being that "typical" person - you know, the one that inhabits coffee shops, laptop and iced coffee close at hand, jamming out to Mumford & Sons. I haven't done this in quite sometime, however, during the school year, I was known to frequent the local coffee shops to spent countless hours reading Philosophy and History texts and write term papers. Lately, however, the balance of my life and my being have been completely thrown off by the little season known as: SUMMER.
One minute, I went to bed stoked that I had FINALLY finished the first year of a 2-year hell known as "Graduate School" and had earned the covetous A's, thus bringing my overall GPA to a higher average than I had my entire undergraduate career at BGSU.
The next minute, I woke up with no study requirements, no classes to teach, no emails from professors flooding my inbox with work requests. I found myself in a precarious position of not having a steady M-F, 9-5 job, and no schoolwork to complete for the first time since... 2004, or the summer before my junior year of high school. Yes, it's true, I have been doing the 9-month school year, 3-month 40-hour work week summer for the last 7 years. Of those years, the last 4-5 years have been filled with college, then a summer of Leadership Training in Estes Park, Colorado and a 40-hour work week at the YMCA of the Rockies in Food Service. I haven't spent a summer in Ohio since 2006, the summer after I graduated high school, when I still worked in the Games Dept. at Kings Island.

But that all has changed. I can't imagine that God is a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I can very much picture him saying, "And now, it's time for something a little different." Not only am I spending a summer in Ohio for the first time in nearly 5 years, but I'm spending my summer in somewhat unfamiliar territory to me: Northeast Ohio. I've never actually claimed to LIVE in the same town where I go to school, even if my residential address has been in the town for 9 months of the year. But in August of this year, I can say that I have lived in Kent for 1 complete year. A completely new and unfamiliar experience for me.

Of what, exactly, does my summer consist? I'm still figuring that one out, but there are few details I do have nailed down right now, and some things of my own I'd like to do.

Currently, I have 4 different jobs. 1 is actual employment, the other 3 are considered "self-employed." This is going to make paying taxes to the government a little more complicated and interesting than normal, for sure (if you're interested in those kinds of things). Here they are:

May 22 - August 20: Kent State University School of Music: Music Education Dept.
Net Income: $990, before taxes
I'll be cataloguing new and old materials for the new Music Education Resource Center, updating listservs, updating/re-writing the Handbook for Music Education, preparing observation schedules for Fall 2011, working on syllabi for Fall 2011 classes, and other various projects they come up with (and they will, believe me, they will).

June 1 - the future: Sound Board Music, Instrumental & Keyboard Instructor
Net Income: depends on the # of students I accrue; $30/month/student is the rate for lessons
Currently, the owner has it set up that I will be accepting violin, viola, cello, bass, flute, clarinet, alto/tenor saxophone, and elementary/intermediate piano/keyboard students.
This job I will be able to keep going through the next school year. Just over in Stow, it will be a nice short drive, which is perfect. I generally would charge $18-$20/lesson (which ends up being ~$75/month/student), which means I'm making less than teaching on my own here, however, this man is finding the students and scheduling them for me. Otherwise, I would need to be sitting in on a lot of band/orchestra rehearsals around the area, and really pushing to get students. This ends up saving me time, and gas money. Two pluses to this job: 1) I can re-arrange students to fit my Fall 2011 Class Schedule and continue teaching and making a little extra money in the fall; 2) Since students pay at the beginning of the month, I still get paid even if a student doesn't show up for a lesson.

July 24-29: Tallmadge HS Marching Band Camp, Woodwind - Clarinet Tech; Marching Tech
Net Income: $350, plus room/board
Travelling to Westerville, OH to teach at Band Camp. It's been a few years since I've worked at a band camp. I'm pretty excited, and a little nervous.

August 1 - 19: Revere HS Marching Band, Woodwind, Drill and Marching Tech
Net Income: $600-$700 (negotiable)
PLEASE be in prayer for this one! I am meeting with the band director in the next week to discuss duties and payment. I'm REALLY praying for $700, as it will help with some bills, and having a little extra money in the savings account for emergency funds (such as car repairs, technology repairs, etc). The set of camps and practices run here are great because they do them all at Revere HS, so I won't have to travel far, except to the HS. I'm really looking forward to this one.

**Currently, I am also in contact with Dr. Stoll from Southeast HS. It is possible that if their camps/practices line up with what I already have scheduled, I will be able to work with them as well.

None of these jobs have started yet, which leaves me with a lot of free time. Aside from working, I've been spending a lot of time with Isaiah. This relationship has been a completely different experience for me. It has required me to work through a lot of my past experiences (fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it). God has been completely faithful in all this to reveal Himself to me, and to guide me through the dark places, wounds, and scars left by my past. I definitely still have a LONG way to go in this area, but looking back at the last two years, I've definitely come a long way. I really don't think I could've asked for a greater friend in my boyfriend; he's been more than patient, and understanding with me as I work through things with God. He allows me space when I need it, and patiently waits until I feel comfortable enough to talk through things. Satan, at times, loves to step in and tell me little lies about all of this, but I know that Jesus has crushed him with His heel, and that the love of God triumphs over all, so I keep listening for the still, small voice (and sometimes, the powerfully gentle voice) that tells me the Truth of who I am, and where He's taking me and guiding us in this.

Though it may not look like it from what I've just described, I actually will have more time than I have in the past to do some work of my own. I have a few things I'd like to personally accomplish over the summer:

• Book List: While I don't have a specific list of books, I'm going to challenge myself to see HOW MANY books I can get through this summer. I've already finished 1 (The Shack), and am in the middle of 3 others (see "Currently Reading" side panel). I'll keep you updated on how many and what I've finished as we keep going.
• Post-a-day: This may not be AS consistent, depending on when I have to send in my laptop for repairs, and being out of town for vacations/work, but I'm going to make a valiant effort. Some days they may be serious posts about what I'm learning, and at times they may just be updates, like this one!
• Pictures: I have a picture blog, because I actually enjoy taking photos. Lately, that hasn't been happening as often, however, I have a reasonable goal to post a picture everyday - every other day. I want to capture my summer in Ohio through pictures, since it's somewhat of a "new" experience for me.
• Curriculum and Course of Study: Go ahead, say it, I dare you: NERD. Whatever, I have a degree and state licensure, so it's my profession now. I currently have 3 books (including the SAGE) on Curriculum and Instruction. I'm also taking a class on the subject in Fall 2011 through the College of Education. My goal is to take some of the Curriculum layouts I started working on for projects in my undergrad, and hopefully develop a full course of study and curriculum that could be implemented in school system. This is a project that will take a lot of time and research, one that I'll probably continue to work on throughout Fall semester. I hope to go as far as to have curriculum for grades K-12 general music, band and orchestra, dividing it up to elementary, middle, and high school, with a possibility of breaking it down into grade level objectives for a school year. We'll see how far I get by the end of the summer. Right now, I'm just in the researching stages.
• Gardening: Yes, I live in an apt., which presents a bit of a challenge when growing plants. Isaiah and I planted 21 plastic cups' worth of seeds on Monday. I will probably plant a few more of the seeds with the remaining potting soil I have later this week. I decided to do this as a surprise (it won't be much of a surprise once she reads this) for my roommate next school year, Cathy. She really wanted a tomato plant on the porch of our new apt. when we move in, but by then, it'd be too late to plant one. Here's the seeds I planted:
• Columbine, Ice Princess, Shasta Daisy, Forget-Me-Not (2 cups each, 1 extra Columbine)
• Cilantro, Oregano, Garlic Chives, Rosemary (2 cups each)
• Bell Pepper, Tomato (3 cups each)
• Vacation Abroad: June 17-28/29. Going home to Cincinnati June 17-19 to see Shelby's final performance as Kylie in "Dead Serious About Life" and their ad-lib show, Father's Day with dad, and visiting friends; June 20-26 in Colorado to visit LT 2011 and friends; June 27-28/29 north of Columbus camping and spending time with family.
• Friends: I'm hoping to meet up with some friends around the area a little more often than I did during the school year for coffee and/or lunch/dinner to catch up and walk through life together this summer.

In all, I believe an ambitious summer lies before me. While I'm nervous about being around Northeast Ohio - an altogether new place for me, and have often gotten nostalgic in the last week, looking through pictures of past summers in the Rocky Mountains and discussing LT's of old with Amber, I know that it will be no less life-changing and exciting. If you've made it to the end of this, congratulations. You have now been updated.

To-Do Lists Calm Me Down

Over the years, I have discovered that I am very much a visual learner. This greatly affects my day-to-day learning experiences, as I generally need to SEE something in order to better understand it. For instance, when a pastor is giving a message at church, I remember it and learn from it 100 times better if I write it down so I can visually see what he/she is saying. Or, if someone is reading a passage from a book or the Bible, I generally need to get my copy out and read along so that I can visually see it. This also affects how I process my life and the things I get thrown.

This means I'm not a verbal processor. I need to think about things, create a visual in my head, or more often, write them down. This is why I STILL own a journal... not to write about the day to day, but to write about what God is teaching me, my prayers to Him, and His answers. But, I also need to do this with other things as well. Which is why "to-do" lists are SO helpful for me. They help me to see EVERYTHING I need to get done, and then to prioritize what needs to get done when. This keeps me from continually getting overwhelmed and losing it (so, if you've ever been near me during a mental break-down, just encourage me to make a list and prioritize, and I'll shut up). 

In making lists and prioritizing them, I think the best piece of advice I received came from my university supervisor and mentor from BGSU, Dr. Kantorski. He told me to make a list of everything I needed to do, wanted to do, and wanted to change. Then, he would ask me to prioritize them, and finally, the MOST IMPORTANT step, was to separate them into two categories: Things I Have Control Over, and Things I Do NOT Have Control Over.

This has definitely helped me over the last year and a half. I am by no means perfect at this, but I'm getting there. Well, with all that being said, here's one for the book of lists!

• Email Mr. Iriarte @ Hudson and Mr. Patterson @ Kent about teaching students privately
• Give copy of resume to Sound Board in Stow
• Email Revere HS about marching band position for the 3rd time in the last week
• Call Woodsy's and ask about summer part-time jobs (ANYTHING!)
• Read Elliott chapters 10 and 11 and do POIs for class Wednesday @ 4:25
• Finish reading Kodaly bio chapter in 346 book for term paper
• Go through notes from undergrad 20th Century Music, and Grout for study materials
• Order supplemental materials to read and study this summer on 20th Century Music
• Prepare books, notes, and other materials to study this summer for Oral Defense Exams
• Make list of non-music related books I want to read over the summer (or summer reading list)
• Finish the dang Kodaly Term Paper!!! (that's what tonight is for)
• Re-write, edit, and finish Philosophy Term Paper! (goodbye, Easter weekend) for April 27
• Read Reimer chapters 8 and 9 and write POIs for April 27
• LISTEN TO QUIZ 4 MUSIC for April 27 (this date seems to keep recurring)
• Catch up on grading Blog Reading Reactions for MTAP
• PREPARE MTAP CLASSROOM MUSIC LECTURE AND MATERIALS FOR THURSDAY! (goodbye any time left after writing term paper for this week)
• Look for more summer jobs/find ways to promote many special talents (does not include computer hacking skills, but DOES include administrative abilities)
• Eventually start looking through old files and papers from undergrad to revise in prep for making teaching portfolio this summer
• Find and apply to schools for substitute teaching for the months of May and June, and pray they pay a lot per day
• Update Finale Notepad on laptop so I can arrange and transcribe awesomeness for string trios and quartets.
• Find paying gigs for the summer that involve me playing an instrument, preferably one with strings.

Anyone see anything I'm missing? I think this may just about cover everything I've been given to do in the last week or two.

Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

If I Were a Facebook Status...

And now, for something a little bit different... something a little more light-hearted. If the last 2 days could be summed up in Facebook statuses, it might look a little something like this:
(also, enjoy the fantastic music videos throughout... God's used those too in the last 2 days)


Two. Words. Angry Buckeyes. (much laughter ensues)

It either needs to be gross and hot, or gross and cold. I know this is hard for you Ohio, but just pick. My aching head can't take it anymore.

Tenth Avenue North is my new favorite band, for now. So many good, eye-opening songs.


"You Are More", by Tenth Avenue North. One of a few of their songs I am absolutely loving right now.

Fasting from food is a good way to receive a reality check kick-in-the-stomache from God. Today was shaky, but it was SO good. Jesus definitely spoke and provided.

The yellow lines are NOT guides for where to put the MIDDLE of your car... it goes IN BETWEEN 2 of those yellow lines.

Chicken stir-fry with egg (for fried rice effect) FOR THE WIN. Sans peas.

The REAL reason everyone has to look so intellectual and studious while at Starbucks? To make up for their parking hack-jobs outside in the lot.

This is the first time I've mutually fasted from a person. I think it's the hardest fast I've ever done. My prayer is that it is also the most rewarding one yet.


"I Am New", by Jason Gray. The ending is so awesome.


Waiter, there's a hair... oh wait, J.P., that's my hair.

My favorite words are paradox and juxtaposition. And my life seems to involve both.

Beast. That. BASS!

I should start praying harder for my students. Some of them complain worse than my freshmen from last year... and they're 6 months away from student teaching. Yikes!

Peppermint hot chocolate, the Bible, pen and paper, some quiet music, and the loving words of Jesus make for the BEST, CALMING Monday afternoon.


"Beloved", Tenth Avenue North. Another amazing one.


WHY is clearing a level on Angry Birds always a major achievement in my life?

Pandora has been advertising UC (University of Cincinnati) all afternoon!!! Subliminal message?

To-Do: Finish Philosophy, LEGIT listen to 6 symphonies OVER AND OVER, finish entering midterm grades, grade homework from this week, study for Philosophy midterm, start reading through Kodaly books for term paper. All in the name of getting ahead on work for next week! Oi, ready... go!

Jesus, You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart... Your love never fails!

When God Uses People

Thanks. I believe you. You won't wait forever.

5 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: God dreams of a bigger and better plan for my life than I ever dare to, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.

Proverbs 16:7, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions... Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider: God has made the one as well as the other, therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:8-10, 13-14

I could probably preach you a sermon on these verses, but instead, I'll stick to their personal importance to me. These verses are highlighted, underlined, boxed, and flagged in my Bible, and serve as an Ebenezer (see Joshua 4 on that) for a time of crucial decision for me in high school. Seriously, until you're a high school senior, how often does a high schooler look ahead to her future? Unless it's a Wednesday afternoon physics class, and you're just passing time until the Friday night game... it's rare. But towards the end of my sophomore year, that's what I had to do. Look ahead. The fighting and arguing was increasing by the day at my mom's house where I was living, and I was depressed, and unhappy. I began to consider moving in with my dad's family, knowing there was less fighting, and I'd be happier there. But, there were still a lot of things to consider: I'd be switching schools; I had to graduate from that new school, I couldn't move back; I'd be giving up orchestra, since there was no orchestra program at the new school; I'd have to start over and make all new friends, besides the ones from my church; I'd have to say a lot of goodbyes without knowing when we'd see each other again. For a high school sophomore, that's HUGE! Also during this time, I was beginning to understand what a real relationship with Christ looked like, and began praying and seeking God more. At the beginning of the summer, these verses in Ecclesiastes 7 came to me one afternoon as I was reading. God clearly didn't give me an answer as to whether I should stay or move, but it reassured me that God is in control, that He's bigger than me, that He can straighten out what I make crooked. It showed me that God brings us to crossroads such as the one I was at, and He makes multiple paths, so that we cannot see or begin to understand our future... so that we FULLY RELY on Him to lead us where we ought to go.

In the end, I chose to stay with my mom, feeling that orchestra and band were too important to give up, and remained living there until I graduated high school. I couldn't see that far ahead at the time, but looking back from here to then, that turned out to play a HUGE role in my life. I couldn't be where I am in music without having stayed in an orchestra. God used that to further the talents HE HAS GIVEN ME. How awesome is that?!?

God dreams bigger than I can or will, to use my life for His purpose. I can have big dreams and goals for my life, but in the end, if they do not reflect the glory of God and His Son, if they do not line up with His purpose and goal for my life, then they do not matter, and will not amount to anything. My dreams and goals may seem big and outlandish when I communicate them to others, but compared to God's they are like an ant on the side of a mountain.

Recently, I read this verse and was again reminded of God's dreams versus mine, and how He has a greater purpose and dream for me:
At this time last year, I was busily applying to graduate schools, applying for my teaching license, graduation, and TEACHING JOBS. Grad school to me was just a back up at the time; I was mainly looking at jobs in Colorado - I loved it there, and was ready to leave Ohio. In the first week of April, I received a phone call and an email from Kent State University, and was asked to take the Music Education Graduate Assistantship and come to KSU for my Master's. Oh, I'll never forget that conversation with God:

Me: God, I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so ready for the mountains, I see them in my dreams, I see them when I'm awake. They're all I think about. I'm done with Ohio.
God: Kristen, I want you to accept their offer. It's where I want you to be.
Me: But, God (you know when you say that to God you're going to lose, right?)... But, God, what about the mountains? Can I go to grad school in Colorado instead?
God: Kristen, this is where I want you to be. I have things planned for you.
Me: And those things aren't in Colorado? I thought we were done with Ohio. Moving on.
God: Kristen, you may be done with Ohio, but Ohio's not done with you. I'm not done with you in Ohio.
Me: Okay, God... I'll accept.
[God: 23985783948304509; Me: 0]

And so I accepted. And, from April to... oh, probably some time in... January-ish... I sat pondering why the heck I was still in Ohio. But I've been continually reminded through these verses and God's loving voice that my plans are not His, and that He dreams great things for my life that will bring Him glory far beyond what I can see, imagine and dream. I think I'm starting to get a clue as to why now, which leads to new conversations with God about how I'm totally not even CLOSE to deserving of what He might have planned for me. Me, who's sinned and messed up in nearly every way possible in some areas of life... and yet, He wants to bless me and give me great things? Yes, for His glory! He's been dreaming of this for years and years, and I've been completely clueless, lost in my own dreams. But as my dreams change into His, His light shines through like a lighthouse on a dark night, so that anything that happens in my life is only by His glory, love, and grace.

5 Day Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: God has healed my past wounds and broken heart, and allowed me to live a life of freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it or earn it.


This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.


CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.


And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!


So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?

And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.

Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.