5 Day Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: God has healed my past wounds and broken heart, and allowed me to live a life of freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it or earn it.


This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.


CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.


And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!


So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?

And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.

Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.

Ouch!

Have you ever had a cut on your hand? I mean, most of us probably have. You slap a Band-Aid on that sucker and move on with life. You think it's healing, and then one day you're cleaning the bathroom or washing the dishes, and you get some chemical in what you thought was a mostly healed cut, and to your surprise (anger, and dismay), it burns like... well, you know. What's your first reaction?
"Hmm... why didn't this heal? What can I do differently?" Do we honestly analyze our wounds like this?
Heck no! I don't know about anyone else, but let's be honest, when that pain shoots through my body, in the words of Alexandria, "I'm about to cuss." That's about how angry and hurt I am when I'm in that kind of physical pain. But, I also get like that sometimes (or, rather, quite a bit) when I'm in emotional pain.
My amazing friend and staffer at Texas A&M, Macie, is one of the most loving and kind people I can probably think of. Her testimony of God's healing in her life is very inspiring to me. She is currently teaching me so much about God's healing power in my life through Theophostics. But really, what are Theophostics? Well, the best definition I've heard so far is: Allowing God to speak truth into areas of pain and lies in one's life. This is a whole new way of thinking... or rather, in this case, feeling, for me, and while the change is slow to come, I feel that this is going to hugely impact my life, and while painful, is necessary for my life.
So, to begin with, let's talk about anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion, that is visible, while masking the primary emotions that aren't always visible. Okay, I'm about to be really honest here for a minute: I can be a really angry person sometimes. When I was younger, and had red hair, it was blamed on that. Then, it was blamed on being spoiled. Then, it was said that I have a short fuse like one of my parents. But, the question is, which one of these is the reason? I used to think it was all of the above at one point or another, but the real truth is none of them are. Through a lot of talking, and now, a few of my own experiences, I'm really beginning to understand that most of my anger is generally misplaced due to the masking of my primary emotions, and most importantly, my projection of past and unresolved hurt and pain from past experiences that have caused these primary emotions. Here is where Theophostics comes in.
Macie has been teaching me quite a bit about what Theophostics is, how it works, and what happens in a "session" of sorts. The general overview of what happens, is that you are supposed to allow yourself to feel your present emotion (which is generally one of pain), allow it to surface and be intense, and FEEL it. Then, focus on that emotion and find a memory where you also felt that way. Then, look into the lies of it, by asking what that situation said about you, and finally, you ask God what He has to say to you (speaking truth into your life). Now, like I said, this is a whole new way of feeling for me. I'm trying to keep the word "thinking" out of it, because the whole process is about feelings and emotions, and what I believe about myself. My problem is that I like to use logic (some might say I'm a 'logical' person), so as I'm saying stuff out loud, I'm attempting to rationalize everything. But this whole process is completely different. Once I process out loud the lie I'm believing it's super-easy to rationalize it away, by thinking it's irrational that I would think that way. But, that's my mind talking... my heart really does believe that lie, though! And, that's why it's super-important to STOP thinking in order to allow God to speak truth into that lie.
I've been getting frustrated lately, because I do recognize when I do get angry and someone or something, but then it's hard for me to focus on all of that, because I'm too busy trying to rationalize it away. However, tonight, after I had gotten really upset at a friend, and left because I knew I needed some time alone, I was in the perfect place to feel, see, and hear God. And... cue vulnerability.
The lies believed: I am used, I am unloved, I am stupid, I am immature, and I'm definitely not cared about.
Where did it come from? Remembering the fights I had with two friends in high school, and the way I was treated by them during that time.
The healing truth of God:

"I have created you to have emotions and to be sensitive. To feel pain and to express it through crying. People do care about you. They love you and care about you. There is not another you. I have put you in others' lives for you and for them. You are smart, look back to all that you have learned, the knowledge I have given you. I will never use you and throw you to the side. I am using you for great things because I care about you; if I did not create you smart and sensitive I could use you for this purpose and plan. You were created like this because I love you. I love you and I want to spend time with you."

This is true. This is real. Those lies, they were real to me. As real and tangible as the laptop sitting in front of me right now. But, I am SO THANKFUL God can speak even bigger, even better, more beautiful, more tangible, and more loving words of truth into my life to dispell the lies. The peace that I have felt this evening because of God's truth and love and how close He's been to me this evening is beyond all measure.
Theophostics I am learning isn't a one time thing. It's a way of life. And, for someone like me, who has grown up learning to stuff all pain, slap a Band-Aid on, and move on, rather than allowing the Healer to speak truth into and heal my wounds, this is something I desperately desire to become a way of life for me. I may never be completely healed until I reach Heaven, but by allowing God to speak truth into my past wounds and heal them, I may have a better shot at the bigger desires God has for my future, like marriage, a teaching job, children, ministry.

Both pictures were taken on my last hike to Bluebird Lake. The first picture is the remains of the 1978 Ouzel Fire, but the second shows that as this deadened part of the forest recovers, new life springs forth, like the Indian Paintbrush wildflower in the picture.

Fun Fact(s): When we hiked Bluebird Lake, we unnecessarily hiked an extra 4 miles because we accidentally parked at the Sandbeach Lake trailhead then walked 2 miles down to the Wild Basin trailhead. Total miles hiked that day (including the parking fail): 17. We also saw a black bear cub, 3 waterfalls, 2 other lakes, a marmot, a camera-loving chipmunk, and a ptarmigan on the trail that day. Pictures on Facebook.