This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.
And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!
So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?
And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.
Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.
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