Thanks. I believe you. You won't wait forever.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
5 Day Challenge: Day 3
Day 3: God dreams of a bigger and better plan for my life than I ever dare to, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.
Proverbs 16:7, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
In the end, I chose to stay with my mom, feeling that orchestra and band were too important to give up, and remained living there until I graduated high school. I couldn't see that far ahead at the time, but looking back from here to then, that turned out to play a HUGE role in my life. I couldn't be where I am in music without having stayed in an orchestra. God used that to further the talents HE HAS GIVEN ME. How awesome is that?!?
God dreams bigger than I can or will, to use my life for His purpose. I can have big dreams and goals for my life, but in the end, if they do not reflect the glory of God and His Son, if they do not line up with His purpose and goal for my life, then they do not matter, and will not amount to anything. My dreams and goals may seem big and outlandish when I communicate them to others, but compared to God's they are like an ant on the side of a mountain.
Recently, I read this verse and was again reminded of God's dreams versus mine, and how He has a greater purpose and dream for me:
At this time last year, I was busily applying to graduate schools, applying for my teaching license, graduation, and TEACHING JOBS. Grad school to me was just a back up at the time; I was mainly looking at jobs in Colorado - I loved it there, and was ready to leave Ohio. In the first week of April, I received a phone call and an email from Kent State University, and was asked to take the Music Education Graduate Assistantship and come to KSU for my Master's. Oh, I'll never forget that conversation with God:
Me: God, I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so ready for the mountains, I see them in my dreams, I see them when I'm awake. They're all I think about. I'm done with Ohio.
God: Kristen, I want you to accept their offer. It's where I want you to be.
Me: But, God (you know when you say that to God you're going to lose, right?)... But, God, what about the mountains? Can I go to grad school in Colorado instead?
God: Kristen, this is where I want you to be. I have things planned for you.
Me: And those things aren't in Colorado? I thought we were done with Ohio. Moving on.
God: Kristen, you may be done with Ohio, but Ohio's not done with you. I'm not done with you in Ohio.
Me: Okay, God... I'll accept.
[God: 23985783948304509; Me: 0]
And so I accepted. And, from April to... oh, probably some time in... January-ish... I sat pondering why the heck I was still in Ohio. But I've been continually reminded through these verses and God's loving voice that my plans are not His, and that He dreams great things for my life that will bring Him glory far beyond what I can see, imagine and dream. I think I'm starting to get a clue as to why now, which leads to new conversations with God about how I'm totally not even CLOSE to deserving of what He might have planned for me. Me, who's sinned and messed up in nearly every way possible in some areas of life... and yet, He wants to bless me and give me great things? Yes, for His glory! He's been dreaming of this for years and years, and I've been completely clueless, lost in my own dreams. But as my dreams change into His, His light shines through like a lighthouse on a dark night, so that anything that happens in my life is only by His glory, love, and grace.
Proverbs 16:7, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions... Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider: God has made the one as well as the other, therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:8-10, 13-14I could probably preach you a sermon on these verses, but instead, I'll stick to their personal importance to me. These verses are highlighted, underlined, boxed, and flagged in my Bible, and serve as an Ebenezer (see Joshua 4 on that) for a time of crucial decision for me in high school. Seriously, until you're a high school senior, how often does a high schooler look ahead to her future? Unless it's a Wednesday afternoon physics class, and you're just passing time until the Friday night game... it's rare. But towards the end of my sophomore year, that's what I had to do. Look ahead. The fighting and arguing was increasing by the day at my mom's house where I was living, and I was depressed, and unhappy. I began to consider moving in with my dad's family, knowing there was less fighting, and I'd be happier there. But, there were still a lot of things to consider: I'd be switching schools; I had to graduate from that new school, I couldn't move back; I'd be giving up orchestra, since there was no orchestra program at the new school; I'd have to start over and make all new friends, besides the ones from my church; I'd have to say a lot of goodbyes without knowing when we'd see each other again. For a high school sophomore, that's HUGE! Also during this time, I was beginning to understand what a real relationship with Christ looked like, and began praying and seeking God more. At the beginning of the summer, these verses in Ecclesiastes 7 came to me one afternoon as I was reading. God clearly didn't give me an answer as to whether I should stay or move, but it reassured me that God is in control, that He's bigger than me, that He can straighten out what I make crooked. It showed me that God brings us to crossroads such as the one I was at, and He makes multiple paths, so that we cannot see or begin to understand our future... so that we FULLY RELY on Him to lead us where we ought to go.
In the end, I chose to stay with my mom, feeling that orchestra and band were too important to give up, and remained living there until I graduated high school. I couldn't see that far ahead at the time, but looking back from here to then, that turned out to play a HUGE role in my life. I couldn't be where I am in music without having stayed in an orchestra. God used that to further the talents HE HAS GIVEN ME. How awesome is that?!?
God dreams bigger than I can or will, to use my life for His purpose. I can have big dreams and goals for my life, but in the end, if they do not reflect the glory of God and His Son, if they do not line up with His purpose and goal for my life, then they do not matter, and will not amount to anything. My dreams and goals may seem big and outlandish when I communicate them to others, but compared to God's they are like an ant on the side of a mountain.
Recently, I read this verse and was again reminded of God's dreams versus mine, and how He has a greater purpose and dream for me:
At this time last year, I was busily applying to graduate schools, applying for my teaching license, graduation, and TEACHING JOBS. Grad school to me was just a back up at the time; I was mainly looking at jobs in Colorado - I loved it there, and was ready to leave Ohio. In the first week of April, I received a phone call and an email from Kent State University, and was asked to take the Music Education Graduate Assistantship and come to KSU for my Master's. Oh, I'll never forget that conversation with God:
Me: God, I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so ready for the mountains, I see them in my dreams, I see them when I'm awake. They're all I think about. I'm done with Ohio.
God: Kristen, I want you to accept their offer. It's where I want you to be.
Me: But, God (you know when you say that to God you're going to lose, right?)... But, God, what about the mountains? Can I go to grad school in Colorado instead?
God: Kristen, this is where I want you to be. I have things planned for you.
Me: And those things aren't in Colorado? I thought we were done with Ohio. Moving on.
God: Kristen, you may be done with Ohio, but Ohio's not done with you. I'm not done with you in Ohio.
Me: Okay, God... I'll accept.
[God: 23985783948304509; Me: 0]
And so I accepted. And, from April to... oh, probably some time in... January-ish... I sat pondering why the heck I was still in Ohio. But I've been continually reminded through these verses and God's loving voice that my plans are not His, and that He dreams great things for my life that will bring Him glory far beyond what I can see, imagine and dream. I think I'm starting to get a clue as to why now, which leads to new conversations with God about how I'm totally not even CLOSE to deserving of what He might have planned for me. Me, who's sinned and messed up in nearly every way possible in some areas of life... and yet, He wants to bless me and give me great things? Yes, for His glory! He's been dreaming of this for years and years, and I've been completely clueless, lost in my own dreams. But as my dreams change into His, His light shines through like a lighthouse on a dark night, so that anything that happens in my life is only by His glory, love, and grace.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
5 Day Challenge: Day 2
Day 2: God has healed my past wounds and broken heart, and allowed me to live a life of freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it or earn it.
This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.
And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!
So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:
This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.
And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!
So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?
And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.
Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.
Monday, February 14, 2011
5 Day Challenge: Day 1
At H2O Worship last night, Matt McClure talked about humility by reading James 4:1-10 and Philippians 2:1-11. He discussed flamboyant and subtle pride. Taking an honest moment here, I'd definitely have to say I fall in the latter of those 2 categories. Here was Matt's explanation of subtle pride: "If you take an inventory of your life at the end of the day - all the things that are important, passions, what breaks your heart - in the end, it's all about you, what you want, what you think, YOUR desires and passions... not God's." This definitely made me stop and think... does what I think and want and desire REALLY line up with what God wants? As much as I'd like to think so, in the end, I know that's not true.
At the end, Matt presented what he calls the "5 Day Challenge." If you read through H2O KSU students' Facebook profiles this week, chances are you're going to see a lot of statuses related to this. The challenge is to:
At the end, Matt presented what he calls the "5 Day Challenge." If you read through H2O KSU students' Facebook profiles this week, chances are you're going to see a lot of statuses related to this. The challenge is to:
- Read: Philippians 2:1-11 every day for the next 5 days.
- Reflect: on how Jesus has humbled Himself for you.
- Respond: every day write down, or post a Facebook status, that says, "God ______, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it."
Already after one day, I find it really encouraging and awesome to see so many students with Facebook statuses about what God has done for them, and how they've done absolutely NOTHING to earn or deserve it. For the next 5 days, I'll be posting my statements and prayers or discussions about what I'm reflecting on.
Day 1: God has given me more "second chances" than I am worthy of, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.
Song: "Devotion" - Hillsong United
I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focues on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord
Jesus, thank You for providing me with second chances. Without Your blood, I would not be forgiven, I would be without second chances. Day after day You cleanse me and forgive me when I fall, picking me up and washing me clean, helping me to stand and walk with You where You lead. Without You Jesus, I would have been dead in my sin as a young child. Thank you for creating me with a purpose, saving me from death, giving me second chances at life when I completely blow it. Help me to view others in the same way You view them, that I may be quicker to forgive and give others second chances in my life. Help me to increase in Your mercy. We know that this is a very weak area in my life, but through You, may I increase in Your mercy, that Your name would be glorified. Help me to see others as You do, to know that I am no better than they are, and to see their potential as Your children created for a purpose in this life. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving and saving me even when I constantly forget You and grieve Your Spirit. Thank You for Your endless mercy, for second chances.
Day 1: God has given me more "second chances" than I am worthy of, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.
Song: "Devotion" - Hillsong United
I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focues on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord
Jesus, thank You for providing me with second chances. Without Your blood, I would not be forgiven, I would be without second chances. Day after day You cleanse me and forgive me when I fall, picking me up and washing me clean, helping me to stand and walk with You where You lead. Without You Jesus, I would have been dead in my sin as a young child. Thank you for creating me with a purpose, saving me from death, giving me second chances at life when I completely blow it. Help me to view others in the same way You view them, that I may be quicker to forgive and give others second chances in my life. Help me to increase in Your mercy. We know that this is a very weak area in my life, but through You, may I increase in Your mercy, that Your name would be glorified. Help me to see others as You do, to know that I am no better than they are, and to see their potential as Your children created for a purpose in this life. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving and saving me even when I constantly forget You and grieve Your Spirit. Thank You for Your endless mercy, for second chances.
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