This is... summer?

Today, I am being that "typical" person - you know, the one that inhabits coffee shops, laptop and iced coffee close at hand, jamming out to Mumford & Sons. I haven't done this in quite sometime, however, during the school year, I was known to frequent the local coffee shops to spent countless hours reading Philosophy and History texts and write term papers. Lately, however, the balance of my life and my being have been completely thrown off by the little season known as: SUMMER.
One minute, I went to bed stoked that I had FINALLY finished the first year of a 2-year hell known as "Graduate School" and had earned the covetous A's, thus bringing my overall GPA to a higher average than I had my entire undergraduate career at BGSU.
The next minute, I woke up with no study requirements, no classes to teach, no emails from professors flooding my inbox with work requests. I found myself in a precarious position of not having a steady M-F, 9-5 job, and no schoolwork to complete for the first time since... 2004, or the summer before my junior year of high school. Yes, it's true, I have been doing the 9-month school year, 3-month 40-hour work week summer for the last 7 years. Of those years, the last 4-5 years have been filled with college, then a summer of Leadership Training in Estes Park, Colorado and a 40-hour work week at the YMCA of the Rockies in Food Service. I haven't spent a summer in Ohio since 2006, the summer after I graduated high school, when I still worked in the Games Dept. at Kings Island.

But that all has changed. I can't imagine that God is a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I can very much picture him saying, "And now, it's time for something a little different." Not only am I spending a summer in Ohio for the first time in nearly 5 years, but I'm spending my summer in somewhat unfamiliar territory to me: Northeast Ohio. I've never actually claimed to LIVE in the same town where I go to school, even if my residential address has been in the town for 9 months of the year. But in August of this year, I can say that I have lived in Kent for 1 complete year. A completely new and unfamiliar experience for me.

Of what, exactly, does my summer consist? I'm still figuring that one out, but there are few details I do have nailed down right now, and some things of my own I'd like to do.

Currently, I have 4 different jobs. 1 is actual employment, the other 3 are considered "self-employed." This is going to make paying taxes to the government a little more complicated and interesting than normal, for sure (if you're interested in those kinds of things). Here they are:

May 22 - August 20: Kent State University School of Music: Music Education Dept.
Net Income: $990, before taxes
I'll be cataloguing new and old materials for the new Music Education Resource Center, updating listservs, updating/re-writing the Handbook for Music Education, preparing observation schedules for Fall 2011, working on syllabi for Fall 2011 classes, and other various projects they come up with (and they will, believe me, they will).

June 1 - the future: Sound Board Music, Instrumental & Keyboard Instructor
Net Income: depends on the # of students I accrue; $30/month/student is the rate for lessons
Currently, the owner has it set up that I will be accepting violin, viola, cello, bass, flute, clarinet, alto/tenor saxophone, and elementary/intermediate piano/keyboard students.
This job I will be able to keep going through the next school year. Just over in Stow, it will be a nice short drive, which is perfect. I generally would charge $18-$20/lesson (which ends up being ~$75/month/student), which means I'm making less than teaching on my own here, however, this man is finding the students and scheduling them for me. Otherwise, I would need to be sitting in on a lot of band/orchestra rehearsals around the area, and really pushing to get students. This ends up saving me time, and gas money. Two pluses to this job: 1) I can re-arrange students to fit my Fall 2011 Class Schedule and continue teaching and making a little extra money in the fall; 2) Since students pay at the beginning of the month, I still get paid even if a student doesn't show up for a lesson.

July 24-29: Tallmadge HS Marching Band Camp, Woodwind - Clarinet Tech; Marching Tech
Net Income: $350, plus room/board
Travelling to Westerville, OH to teach at Band Camp. It's been a few years since I've worked at a band camp. I'm pretty excited, and a little nervous.

August 1 - 19: Revere HS Marching Band, Woodwind, Drill and Marching Tech
Net Income: $600-$700 (negotiable)
PLEASE be in prayer for this one! I am meeting with the band director in the next week to discuss duties and payment. I'm REALLY praying for $700, as it will help with some bills, and having a little extra money in the savings account for emergency funds (such as car repairs, technology repairs, etc). The set of camps and practices run here are great because they do them all at Revere HS, so I won't have to travel far, except to the HS. I'm really looking forward to this one.

**Currently, I am also in contact with Dr. Stoll from Southeast HS. It is possible that if their camps/practices line up with what I already have scheduled, I will be able to work with them as well.

None of these jobs have started yet, which leaves me with a lot of free time. Aside from working, I've been spending a lot of time with Isaiah. This relationship has been a completely different experience for me. It has required me to work through a lot of my past experiences (fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it). God has been completely faithful in all this to reveal Himself to me, and to guide me through the dark places, wounds, and scars left by my past. I definitely still have a LONG way to go in this area, but looking back at the last two years, I've definitely come a long way. I really don't think I could've asked for a greater friend in my boyfriend; he's been more than patient, and understanding with me as I work through things with God. He allows me space when I need it, and patiently waits until I feel comfortable enough to talk through things. Satan, at times, loves to step in and tell me little lies about all of this, but I know that Jesus has crushed him with His heel, and that the love of God triumphs over all, so I keep listening for the still, small voice (and sometimes, the powerfully gentle voice) that tells me the Truth of who I am, and where He's taking me and guiding us in this.

Though it may not look like it from what I've just described, I actually will have more time than I have in the past to do some work of my own. I have a few things I'd like to personally accomplish over the summer:

• Book List: While I don't have a specific list of books, I'm going to challenge myself to see HOW MANY books I can get through this summer. I've already finished 1 (The Shack), and am in the middle of 3 others (see "Currently Reading" side panel). I'll keep you updated on how many and what I've finished as we keep going.
• Post-a-day: This may not be AS consistent, depending on when I have to send in my laptop for repairs, and being out of town for vacations/work, but I'm going to make a valiant effort. Some days they may be serious posts about what I'm learning, and at times they may just be updates, like this one!
• Pictures: I have a picture blog, because I actually enjoy taking photos. Lately, that hasn't been happening as often, however, I have a reasonable goal to post a picture everyday - every other day. I want to capture my summer in Ohio through pictures, since it's somewhat of a "new" experience for me.
• Curriculum and Course of Study: Go ahead, say it, I dare you: NERD. Whatever, I have a degree and state licensure, so it's my profession now. I currently have 3 books (including the SAGE) on Curriculum and Instruction. I'm also taking a class on the subject in Fall 2011 through the College of Education. My goal is to take some of the Curriculum layouts I started working on for projects in my undergrad, and hopefully develop a full course of study and curriculum that could be implemented in school system. This is a project that will take a lot of time and research, one that I'll probably continue to work on throughout Fall semester. I hope to go as far as to have curriculum for grades K-12 general music, band and orchestra, dividing it up to elementary, middle, and high school, with a possibility of breaking it down into grade level objectives for a school year. We'll see how far I get by the end of the summer. Right now, I'm just in the researching stages.
• Gardening: Yes, I live in an apt., which presents a bit of a challenge when growing plants. Isaiah and I planted 21 plastic cups' worth of seeds on Monday. I will probably plant a few more of the seeds with the remaining potting soil I have later this week. I decided to do this as a surprise (it won't be much of a surprise once she reads this) for my roommate next school year, Cathy. She really wanted a tomato plant on the porch of our new apt. when we move in, but by then, it'd be too late to plant one. Here's the seeds I planted:
• Columbine, Ice Princess, Shasta Daisy, Forget-Me-Not (2 cups each, 1 extra Columbine)
• Cilantro, Oregano, Garlic Chives, Rosemary (2 cups each)
• Bell Pepper, Tomato (3 cups each)
• Vacation Abroad: June 17-28/29. Going home to Cincinnati June 17-19 to see Shelby's final performance as Kylie in "Dead Serious About Life" and their ad-lib show, Father's Day with dad, and visiting friends; June 20-26 in Colorado to visit LT 2011 and friends; June 27-28/29 north of Columbus camping and spending time with family.
• Friends: I'm hoping to meet up with some friends around the area a little more often than I did during the school year for coffee and/or lunch/dinner to catch up and walk through life together this summer.

In all, I believe an ambitious summer lies before me. While I'm nervous about being around Northeast Ohio - an altogether new place for me, and have often gotten nostalgic in the last week, looking through pictures of past summers in the Rocky Mountains and discussing LT's of old with Amber, I know that it will be no less life-changing and exciting. If you've made it to the end of this, congratulations. You have now been updated.

To-Do Lists Calm Me Down

Over the years, I have discovered that I am very much a visual learner. This greatly affects my day-to-day learning experiences, as I generally need to SEE something in order to better understand it. For instance, when a pastor is giving a message at church, I remember it and learn from it 100 times better if I write it down so I can visually see what he/she is saying. Or, if someone is reading a passage from a book or the Bible, I generally need to get my copy out and read along so that I can visually see it. This also affects how I process my life and the things I get thrown.

This means I'm not a verbal processor. I need to think about things, create a visual in my head, or more often, write them down. This is why I STILL own a journal... not to write about the day to day, but to write about what God is teaching me, my prayers to Him, and His answers. But, I also need to do this with other things as well. Which is why "to-do" lists are SO helpful for me. They help me to see EVERYTHING I need to get done, and then to prioritize what needs to get done when. This keeps me from continually getting overwhelmed and losing it (so, if you've ever been near me during a mental break-down, just encourage me to make a list and prioritize, and I'll shut up). 

In making lists and prioritizing them, I think the best piece of advice I received came from my university supervisor and mentor from BGSU, Dr. Kantorski. He told me to make a list of everything I needed to do, wanted to do, and wanted to change. Then, he would ask me to prioritize them, and finally, the MOST IMPORTANT step, was to separate them into two categories: Things I Have Control Over, and Things I Do NOT Have Control Over.

This has definitely helped me over the last year and a half. I am by no means perfect at this, but I'm getting there. Well, with all that being said, here's one for the book of lists!

• Email Mr. Iriarte @ Hudson and Mr. Patterson @ Kent about teaching students privately
• Give copy of resume to Sound Board in Stow
• Email Revere HS about marching band position for the 3rd time in the last week
• Call Woodsy's and ask about summer part-time jobs (ANYTHING!)
• Read Elliott chapters 10 and 11 and do POIs for class Wednesday @ 4:25
• Finish reading Kodaly bio chapter in 346 book for term paper
• Go through notes from undergrad 20th Century Music, and Grout for study materials
• Order supplemental materials to read and study this summer on 20th Century Music
• Prepare books, notes, and other materials to study this summer for Oral Defense Exams
• Make list of non-music related books I want to read over the summer (or summer reading list)
• Finish the dang Kodaly Term Paper!!! (that's what tonight is for)
• Re-write, edit, and finish Philosophy Term Paper! (goodbye, Easter weekend) for April 27
• Read Reimer chapters 8 and 9 and write POIs for April 27
• LISTEN TO QUIZ 4 MUSIC for April 27 (this date seems to keep recurring)
• Catch up on grading Blog Reading Reactions for MTAP
• PREPARE MTAP CLASSROOM MUSIC LECTURE AND MATERIALS FOR THURSDAY! (goodbye any time left after writing term paper for this week)
• Look for more summer jobs/find ways to promote many special talents (does not include computer hacking skills, but DOES include administrative abilities)
• Eventually start looking through old files and papers from undergrad to revise in prep for making teaching portfolio this summer
• Find and apply to schools for substitute teaching for the months of May and June, and pray they pay a lot per day
• Update Finale Notepad on laptop so I can arrange and transcribe awesomeness for string trios and quartets.
• Find paying gigs for the summer that involve me playing an instrument, preferably one with strings.

Anyone see anything I'm missing? I think this may just about cover everything I've been given to do in the last week or two.

Turning Pages; No Reading Ahead

I was debating about what to write about this morning, as I know I want to write a series about my thoughts on education in America right now, the current position of music education, and my personal thoughts and philosophy of music and music education. However, in this quiet moment as I sit here, Bible open, listening to the Afters and drinking some coffee with 2 dogs laying at my feet and the sun shining through the back door window, I decided to wait on starting that series in favor of giving some input on where I'm at in life.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I remember the first time I heard this verse, when Kim Smith presented it at H2O's The Spring, the end of my freshman year. Her talk followed a showing of Rob Bell's Nooma Videos: 001 Rain. What an awesome combination! She presented it in the following way (which is still written in my Bible):

a) "So do not fear, for I am WITH YOU": God is BY OUR SIDE

b) "do not be dismayed, for I am YOUR GOD": God is OVER us

c) "I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you": God is INSIDE us (Holy Spirit)

d) "I will UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand": God is UNDER us

So, putting that in perspective, our lives look about like this:

As you can see, God literally SURROUNDS us! The first time I heard this from Kim, it basically blew my mind. But now, 4 years later (Wow, it's been THAT long ago!!!) I can say this has continually helped me to understand God's character and His love for me. Which is exactly what the last month of my life has been about.

In the last month, I have struggled to know I'm not alone in the fight, that I can stand up, that I am clean and whole, that God can use someone as broken as I am to reveal His glory to others: through my work, my career, my interactions with others, and especially through relationships. Praise God, He doesn't just leave us alone in that! God has spoken, and has shown me that He is very much by my side in everything I go through, that He has, can, and will lift me up out of my sin, to be clean and whole. That He is in me, daily cleansing, teaching, guiding, directing, and revealing His never-failing, unending love... that He surrounds me and everything in my life and everything I do!

But, what does this look like practically? Here's a few major events from the last month of life:

The most ongoing event has been God's healing. I believe this will continue, and won't end until we reach the other side of Heaven. However painful, it's been so refreshing for God to show me the wounds from my past that still hurt and haunt me in the present-day, and then for Him to speak His Truth into that pain and those wounds, and heal them, re-teaching me how to understand life. He has revealed some events from my past that I didn't even think were a "big deal", but caused some wounds in me that I never saw before, never understood. He is continually making me beautiful in and through this.

One of the biggest "events" if you will, that I underwent was the last week of February. At a H2O "Souled Out" service God caught me off-guard and asked me to fast: Fast for answers, to seek God and His Truth, to praise Him. So I fasted from coffee for an entire week (if you know me, this was a HUGE challenge!), fasted from Facebook for an entire week, and from food on Tuesday and Thursday of that week. He also asked me to fast from communication with my boyfriend, which I blindly said okay to, and didn't think much of it. Then, Sunday night came, and I didn't tell him that this is what God asked of me; we talked for an hour, said goodnight, and I went to work on some homework. Then, God caught me again. This time, He showed me a lot of lies I was believing about myself that were related to past relationships, and my own sins, and how that was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that the ONLY way I was going to believe that this one was different, that he truly sees things through God's eyes, that this was God-ordained... was to hear it straight from Jesus Himself. God completely broke me down, so I had to make a phone call, and learned that... I wasn't the only one struggling with these lies! Seriously, how dumb can satan get? Coloring with the SAME crayon? Okay, dumb. At that point, I knew God was going to do some big things.

That week of fasting was SO good. God revealed some big Truths to me about who I am, and what He's done for me. I really understood that people can't fill the holes from my past, but Christ can cover those holes, that HE is BIGGER and BETTER than my deficits that I desire to be filled, and that I have to allow Him to re-make me into something new and beautiful. And that a true man of God in my life will see the bumps and the scars, but will see them as a part of the new creation Christ as made, and will enjoy the beautiful creation Christ has created from this mess. God really showed me that He wants to give me my heart's desires, that He has ordained this, but I need to step back and accept His gifts and blessings, accept what He offers me, and stop checking them against my own "lists." I realized that in the back of my mind, not on any paper, I have had "lists" of where my life should go and what a relationship should look like and what the other person my relationship should look like; lists that have been forged by the world's standards, not God's. That week I metaphorically "burned" those lists, erasing any ideas I might have of what a relationship and what the other person should be like. Which allowed God to start re-writing those "lists." God actually showed me that by making those lists, I was actually LIMITING HIM! What He has for me is actually BEYOND what I can imagine, and in making a list I am actually LIMITING Him in what He can and wants to give me. I saw that the #1 reason I make "lists" of what I want and "deserve" is because I feel so unclean at times, so undeserving of what God has to offer; it's beyond what I deserve in this life, so I make a list that limits what I should get to what I deserve. But that's the OPPOSITE of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to offer me a beautiful and whole relationship with a person who's also following hard after Him, so that in the end HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. That's the whole reason He offers us undeserved gifts: BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS CHILDREN AND CHOOSES TO BLESS THEM IN HIS UNENDING LOVE, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED. IT IS ONLY BY HIS LOVE AND GRACE THAT WE HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.

These Truths have allowed me to have a closer friendship and relationship with the person God has blessed my life with, and I couldn't be more thankful. I am learning to be more and more complete in Christ, to be content and satisfied with His love, so that any earthly love I receive is just a blessing, an overflow of His love in my life. 

That being said, there are a lot of things I tend to "worry" about in this life. 

Firstly, this will be the first summer since I graduated high school (2006, or 5 years ago) that I have spent in Ohio. I've spent the last 4 summers in Colorado, either working or as part of GCM's Leadership Training. I don't have a job yet, and no clue as to what I'll be doing. I've emailed 10-12 band directors looking for paid positions doing marching bands, but nothing stable for the entire summer as of yet. My "next step" is to start applying to places like Panera and Starbucks, and turning in my resume to Sound Board Music, Woodsy's, and a few other local music stores. 

Secondly, I'll be graduating from KSU with my Master's in Music Education in about a year. This time last year, I was calling grad schools to find out their final decisions on my applications, I was filling out applications to 3 school districts in Colorado, and figuring out how to transfer my Ohio Teaching License over to Colorado. I realize that in about 9 months from now, I'm going to have to start that process all over again. Except this time, I think I'll be staying in Ohio looking for jobs, which could be a little scary. There's so much uncertainty in what will happen after I graduate. For one, who knows how or to what extent the government is going to mess up our educational system, both on a national level and on a state level (look for a blog on this later). For another, I don't know where to apply or how long I'll be there, or what's going to happen with everything else in my life. I'm generally one that likes to have a "plan." Spontaneity can occur, but within parameters, or a time frame. So, in all that uncertainty, it does throw me off quite a bit.

That being said, if you've been following up to this point, then you can see how one relates to the other. Because I know that God surrounds me, and is in me, guiding me, I have no reason to worry. I am DAILY giving up these worries and concerns to Christ, allowing Him to bring me to peace and contentment that I am in His will, right where He wants me, and if I continue to daily follow Him, to DAILY follow Him in obedience, then He will guide me and reveal to me what He intends to do with the things I am concerned about.

And so here I am. Allowing God to write my story, reading and turning the pages, but not skipping ahead. Taking it one page, or one day, at a time, and waiting for Him to reveal how the plot will twist and turn when we get to those pages.

If I Were a Facebook Status...

And now, for something a little bit different... something a little more light-hearted. If the last 2 days could be summed up in Facebook statuses, it might look a little something like this:
(also, enjoy the fantastic music videos throughout... God's used those too in the last 2 days)


Two. Words. Angry Buckeyes. (much laughter ensues)

It either needs to be gross and hot, or gross and cold. I know this is hard for you Ohio, but just pick. My aching head can't take it anymore.

Tenth Avenue North is my new favorite band, for now. So many good, eye-opening songs.


"You Are More", by Tenth Avenue North. One of a few of their songs I am absolutely loving right now.

Fasting from food is a good way to receive a reality check kick-in-the-stomache from God. Today was shaky, but it was SO good. Jesus definitely spoke and provided.

The yellow lines are NOT guides for where to put the MIDDLE of your car... it goes IN BETWEEN 2 of those yellow lines.

Chicken stir-fry with egg (for fried rice effect) FOR THE WIN. Sans peas.

The REAL reason everyone has to look so intellectual and studious while at Starbucks? To make up for their parking hack-jobs outside in the lot.

This is the first time I've mutually fasted from a person. I think it's the hardest fast I've ever done. My prayer is that it is also the most rewarding one yet.


"I Am New", by Jason Gray. The ending is so awesome.


Waiter, there's a hair... oh wait, J.P., that's my hair.

My favorite words are paradox and juxtaposition. And my life seems to involve both.

Beast. That. BASS!

I should start praying harder for my students. Some of them complain worse than my freshmen from last year... and they're 6 months away from student teaching. Yikes!

Peppermint hot chocolate, the Bible, pen and paper, some quiet music, and the loving words of Jesus make for the BEST, CALMING Monday afternoon.


"Beloved", Tenth Avenue North. Another amazing one.


WHY is clearing a level on Angry Birds always a major achievement in my life?

Pandora has been advertising UC (University of Cincinnati) all afternoon!!! Subliminal message?

To-Do: Finish Philosophy, LEGIT listen to 6 symphonies OVER AND OVER, finish entering midterm grades, grade homework from this week, study for Philosophy midterm, start reading through Kodaly books for term paper. All in the name of getting ahead on work for next week! Oi, ready... go!

Jesus, You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart... Your love never fails!

When God Uses People

Thanks. I believe you. You won't wait forever.

5 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: God dreams of a bigger and better plan for my life than I ever dare to, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.

Proverbs 16:7, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions... Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider: God has made the one as well as the other, therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:8-10, 13-14

I could probably preach you a sermon on these verses, but instead, I'll stick to their personal importance to me. These verses are highlighted, underlined, boxed, and flagged in my Bible, and serve as an Ebenezer (see Joshua 4 on that) for a time of crucial decision for me in high school. Seriously, until you're a high school senior, how often does a high schooler look ahead to her future? Unless it's a Wednesday afternoon physics class, and you're just passing time until the Friday night game... it's rare. But towards the end of my sophomore year, that's what I had to do. Look ahead. The fighting and arguing was increasing by the day at my mom's house where I was living, and I was depressed, and unhappy. I began to consider moving in with my dad's family, knowing there was less fighting, and I'd be happier there. But, there were still a lot of things to consider: I'd be switching schools; I had to graduate from that new school, I couldn't move back; I'd be giving up orchestra, since there was no orchestra program at the new school; I'd have to start over and make all new friends, besides the ones from my church; I'd have to say a lot of goodbyes without knowing when we'd see each other again. For a high school sophomore, that's HUGE! Also during this time, I was beginning to understand what a real relationship with Christ looked like, and began praying and seeking God more. At the beginning of the summer, these verses in Ecclesiastes 7 came to me one afternoon as I was reading. God clearly didn't give me an answer as to whether I should stay or move, but it reassured me that God is in control, that He's bigger than me, that He can straighten out what I make crooked. It showed me that God brings us to crossroads such as the one I was at, and He makes multiple paths, so that we cannot see or begin to understand our future... so that we FULLY RELY on Him to lead us where we ought to go.

In the end, I chose to stay with my mom, feeling that orchestra and band were too important to give up, and remained living there until I graduated high school. I couldn't see that far ahead at the time, but looking back from here to then, that turned out to play a HUGE role in my life. I couldn't be where I am in music without having stayed in an orchestra. God used that to further the talents HE HAS GIVEN ME. How awesome is that?!?

God dreams bigger than I can or will, to use my life for His purpose. I can have big dreams and goals for my life, but in the end, if they do not reflect the glory of God and His Son, if they do not line up with His purpose and goal for my life, then they do not matter, and will not amount to anything. My dreams and goals may seem big and outlandish when I communicate them to others, but compared to God's they are like an ant on the side of a mountain.

Recently, I read this verse and was again reminded of God's dreams versus mine, and how He has a greater purpose and dream for me:
At this time last year, I was busily applying to graduate schools, applying for my teaching license, graduation, and TEACHING JOBS. Grad school to me was just a back up at the time; I was mainly looking at jobs in Colorado - I loved it there, and was ready to leave Ohio. In the first week of April, I received a phone call and an email from Kent State University, and was asked to take the Music Education Graduate Assistantship and come to KSU for my Master's. Oh, I'll never forget that conversation with God:

Me: God, I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so ready for the mountains, I see them in my dreams, I see them when I'm awake. They're all I think about. I'm done with Ohio.
God: Kristen, I want you to accept their offer. It's where I want you to be.
Me: But, God (you know when you say that to God you're going to lose, right?)... But, God, what about the mountains? Can I go to grad school in Colorado instead?
God: Kristen, this is where I want you to be. I have things planned for you.
Me: And those things aren't in Colorado? I thought we were done with Ohio. Moving on.
God: Kristen, you may be done with Ohio, but Ohio's not done with you. I'm not done with you in Ohio.
Me: Okay, God... I'll accept.
[God: 23985783948304509; Me: 0]

And so I accepted. And, from April to... oh, probably some time in... January-ish... I sat pondering why the heck I was still in Ohio. But I've been continually reminded through these verses and God's loving voice that my plans are not His, and that He dreams great things for my life that will bring Him glory far beyond what I can see, imagine and dream. I think I'm starting to get a clue as to why now, which leads to new conversations with God about how I'm totally not even CLOSE to deserving of what He might have planned for me. Me, who's sinned and messed up in nearly every way possible in some areas of life... and yet, He wants to bless me and give me great things? Yes, for His glory! He's been dreaming of this for years and years, and I've been completely clueless, lost in my own dreams. But as my dreams change into His, His light shines through like a lighthouse on a dark night, so that anything that happens in my life is only by His glory, love, and grace.

5 Day Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: God has healed my past wounds and broken heart, and allowed me to live a life of freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it or earn it.


This is a huge area that God has been working on in my life in the past year. It's been hard, to allow God to touch my past wounds, to even begin to try to give over to him all the shame and guilt I hold inside, the condemnation I hold over myself for past sins. It hurts. It feels like putting peroxide on an open wound... ouch! However, the healing God brings is permanent and whole.
The biggest realization is seeing, feeling, and knowing how hurt and broken I am, hearing God asking me to allow Him to touch that wound, cleanse and heal it, and yet I continue to keep myself in chains, to hold tightly to my wound, and pull away like a small child. I don't like being hurt, but I don't want God to touch it, because I think it will hurt worse that I already hurt.


CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRIDEFUL THIS IS?
Do I honestly think I can "fix" my wound, and make it heal BETTER than the Creator of the Universe, the Healer and Giver of Life? Honestly?
Coming to terms with the fact that, by pulling away from God and trying to "heal" my wounds in my own way, by turning to other sins, the ways of the world, by trying to medicate it myself, I am in essence saying that I don't need God, that "I got this one." Why, hello there, Pride.


And yet, He chooses to love me in spite of my selfishness, my pride, my lack of faith and trust in His healing touch. He chooses to wait patiently for me to come to Him. And when I finally "get over myself" and ask for His forgiveness, when I finally show Him my wound, and flinchingly wait for Him to touch it... He STILL gently reaches down, touches, speaks loving words of Truth to me, and HEALS ME! He STILL takes my chains that I have become so comfortable carrying around, and unbinds me, and gives me freedom from my condemnation!


So, what am I really afraid of? Why won't I give it all up to Jesus? The chains I have forged myself of condemnation, regret, guilt and shame, and have become comfortable carrying around, with my open and scarred wounds from my past. Clearly in reading that last sentence, these things don't even sound remotely appealing, so why do I still go on living like that? I think it is because I like my chains, my wounds. They're predictable. I know the kind and intensity of pain I feel from these wounds I have; I know these chains, what they feel like, the things I can and cannot do with them. To change these things would be for me to enter into a complete realm of the unknown. I think familiar passage sums up what my fears are REALLY about:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm afraid God is going to completely heal me in ways I can't even comprehend or imagine, and change my life and use me in ways greater than myself. I think the reason I'm afraid of this light, of the power of God using my life as His instrument for His glory, is because I can't see it, understand it, even begin to comprehend it. It's a big UNKNOWN to me. Again, seriously, how prideful can we get here? I can't see it or understand it, so I mask my fear with anger and resistful pride. Really?

And yet, God waits. He waits for me to get over myself, He speaks gently, calling me to Him. Arms open wide, waiting. And I come. I come to Him, full of tears. And time after time, He still takes me in His arms, reassures me of His unfailing love, and heals me, and continues to make me a new and beautiful creation in Him.

Thank You for showing me that life doesn't have to be full of pain. That I can truly live a life of no regrets. Thank You for taking this messed up life and using it for Your glory. It still amazes me that you want this broken junk - and You not only want it, but love it enough to transform it into something beautiful. You have set me free, free to fly, to soar in the clouds. I am like a near-sighted caterpillar; I see only my junk in front of me, moving slowly weighted by my chains. But You, You see far beyond it, to my beautiful transformation, as a caterpillar transforms into a free-flying butterfly. It is only through You. You take the broken pieces, shine them up until You can see Your beautiful reflection in them, and turn them into a beautiful mosaic of life and love that glorifies Your Holy Name.

5 Day Challenge: Day 1

At H2O Worship last night, Matt McClure talked about humility by reading James 4:1-10 and Philippians 2:1-11. He discussed flamboyant and subtle pride. Taking an honest moment here, I'd definitely have to say I fall in the latter of those 2 categories. Here was Matt's explanation of subtle pride: "If you take an inventory of your life at the end of the day - all the things that are important, passions, what breaks your heart - in the end, it's all about you, what you want, what you think, YOUR desires and passions... not God's." This definitely made me stop and think... does what I think and want and desire REALLY line up with what God wants? As much as I'd like to think so, in the end, I know that's not true.
At the end, Matt presented what he calls the "5 Day Challenge." If you read through H2O KSU students' Facebook profiles this week, chances are you're going to see a lot of statuses related to this. The challenge is to:

• Read: Philippians 2:1-11 every day for the next 5 days.
• Reflect: on how Jesus has humbled Himself for you.
• Respond: every day write down, or post a Facebook status, that says, "God ______, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it."

Already after one day, I find it really encouraging and awesome to see so many students with Facebook statuses about what God has done for them, and how they've done absolutely NOTHING to earn or deserve it. For the next 5 days, I'll be posting my statements and prayers or discussions about what I'm reflecting on.

Day 1: God has given me more "second chances" than I am worthy of, and I did nothing to deserve it or earn it.

Song: "Devotion" - Hillsong United

I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focues on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord

Jesus, thank You for providing me with second chances. Without Your blood, I would not be forgiven, I would be without second chances. Day after day You cleanse me and forgive me when I fall, picking me up and washing me clean, helping me to stand and walk with You where You lead. Without You Jesus, I would have been dead in my sin as a young child. Thank you for creating me with a purpose, saving me from death, giving me second chances at life when I completely blow it. Help me to view others in the same way You view them, that I may be quicker to forgive and give others second chances in my life. Help me to increase in Your mercy. We know that this is a very weak area in my life, but through You, may I increase in Your mercy, that Your name would be glorified. Help me to see others as You do, to know that I am no better than they are, and to see their potential as Your children created for a purpose in this life. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving and saving me even when I constantly forget You and grieve Your Spirit. Thank You for Your endless mercy, for second chances.

Prayers, Contentment, and 180's

I want to be transparent for a few minutes tonight, to show God's amazing power, His unfailing and never-ending love for His children. Last week I (all misgivings aside) openly shared what I've been struggling with. I want to show a "then to now" picture of what God's done in this last week! Dang, He's been busy! Check out the indescribable Savior I love and serve!

I met with my amazing mentor, Tiffany, on Tuesday for lunch, and discussed all of my life and growing pains- she and Mason are GREAT listeners, by the way! (and yes, I believe this is the 4th h2o child that knows all about my life now... and will never remember it!) So, taking Sunday's spilling, and this, I left armed with needing prayer for:

-contentment with where God wants me, whether that's giving my life to serving in the college church, or teaching music to college and high school kids

-boundaries! in a relationship, in friendships with h2o people vs. students I teach (this is probably the biggest one I struggle with in this area)

-continual understanding of my freedom in Christ, freedom from my past

This week, after much praying and weighing it out, I made a tough decision not to go to Core Retreat and to, instead, go to the OMEA Conference. This was super-tough because it was a huge H2O event that I was missing in favor of "my career" which I've been struggling to be content in as of late. This turned out to be an amazing and blessed decision! It's so ridiculous and mind-blowing for me to just sit back and say, "God did a work in me through the OMEA Conference." Seriously? A "professional development" music teachers' conference? YES! It's true! God spoke and taught me things through it! What did He say?

He showed me that I am right where He wants me to be, that the people, relationships, and positions I have right now are exactly as He placed them. That He loves me, and that He has begun and is doing a work in me that is beyond anything I can see, imagine, comprehend, or understand- because He loves His children, and He understands my desires better than I do, and wants to bless His children with good gifts. He is giving, has given, and will give me good gifts- that are beyond what I understand of my desires! Whoa.... whoa. With that, I really feel lead to share some of my prayers from last night and today:

"How can You be so good to me? To love me as much as You do? To save me from Hell, only to watch me run right back to the dirt and mud, trying to drag You with me. Yet You love me enough to provide me with supportive family, amazing friends, a loving church family, four wonderful summers in Colorado, the gift of music and a personality and love/passion to teach it, Renewal - Truth - Love - Mercy - Grace, and now a bunch of new beginnings that I feel completely undeserving of. God, I still can't understand - can't even begin to fathom, how I've gone from someone who only allowed themselves to be used, who sabotaged every relationship they had, who was so afraid of a relationship, to being someone who has complete freedom in You, who has found love and life in YOU, and someone You've blessed with so much. Exactly how I deserve this I may never understand - but I know that You love Your children and desire great things for them. And so I'll never stop thanking You for all these things. It's only through Your Almighty Power and Heavenly Love that any of this could even be possible for my life. You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, You are my Father in Heaven."

 "God, I feel like I have learned so much this weekend and week - and yet I'm still learning! Like You've spoken to me, and I know, but I haven't been able to comprehend it all, to fathom it all, to process and understand it all. But I do know that in all, I do truly pray that Your will would be done and You would be glorified in all. Where do we even begin? I fell, but need confirmation, that You are asking me to be content with where You have placed me right now. I may not be in formal leadership, I may be doing more with music, but I feel You've asked me to be content with this. I don't completely like it, and need help being content, but trust that in the end You will work it for Your good and that it will surpass anything I can imagine. I pray You would use me in the music realm to bring glory to Your name and to share Your light and love.

 "I also hear You asking me to be content with and to embrace the tension placed in my life. This is so hard and frustrating at times, having friends that are the same age as student I give grades for, but I pray You'd help me to embrace and live in the middle of the tension - and that it would even bring me joy. 

 "Take me deeper in Your love and grace. I don't have to be a leader in the church to have a deep-rooted faith and beautiful relationship with You. My faith comes from my belief in You and Your Word and our relationship. I pray You'd teach me the deep things of You, of Your mysteries, of Your Word, of Your TRUTH, of Your unfailing love. Because in the end You alone are my stability - You and no one or nothing else, You are the one unchanging thing in my life. You are always the same. And so I want to be deeper in our relationship, so that I would always remember that my stability in life comes from You alone."

I have no idea why God is asking me to be transparent here and now, but I do know that my prayer is that He uses it and gets the glory. Because let's be honest, people don't just randomly come to these decisions on their own. People don't just pull some 180's out of nowhere. It's totally Jesus. He's totally sweet and faithful to stick with us even when we are confused, angry, upset, frustrated, rebelling... you name it, He's still right there next to us, even when we're a broken mess. In fact, that's His favorite place to be. Because then He can take the broken mess, like me, and start to rearrange the pieces into this beautiful mosaic.

I'm NOT an External Processor

[Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I do not process externally by talking through things. I'm definitely a visual person, therefore, I usually need to see my thoughts. Unfortunately, I've had more thoughts than one person likes to have as of late, and do need a little processing.]

I realize it's about time to write about "the life of." I've been going back and forth, trying to decide if it's time for a "practical application" about what I've been learning or a "feelings-based" writing. While I have been learning a thing or two, I've been finding that lately I've been inundated and experiencing more emotions and thoughts than I'd like. I don't know if it's from an obnoxious and overwhelming amount of country music from Friday night (and no, I'm not quite sure how that induces thinking about life, but somehow it does for me; it's more the actual music than the lyrics - that much I do know for sure!), or the fact that I've experienced a lot of change (for my life, at least) in the last month... but I do know I've had too many thoughts and emotions swimming around my brain. If there's one thing you should know about me, if I'm quiet in a group of people, my brain is probably going about 10x faster than the conversation between everyone else. 

Lately, I've been having some growing pains, in the not-physical sense. I'm torn between "I'm still a college student, and want to be somewhat irresponsible" and "I'm an adult now, who teaches and grades college students' work, and I need more adult interactions to help me feel like an adult." I've been debating a number of different things to help with this, because as much as I'd like to be the person of the former statement, I find that I identify much more with the latter statement. I feel like there could be a balance in there somewhere, but figuring out what that is, and how to get there I don't know. This is something that seems to consume a lot of my spare thoughts. Because I find that it does affect a majority of my relationships with both college students and adults. At times, I have a definite disconnect with the college students because I am teaching and grading work for students who are the exact same age as people I'm friends with, but around the professors and older adults I work with I have a disconnect of sometimes being too informal and not professional enough. It's definitely a struggle in which I think everyone suffers at times, because I'm either too distant with friends, or say or do something informal (of a typical undergraduate college student) that puts me on the "bad list" of the professors.

I've also been having some difficulty in remembering the victory God has had in my life, and of the beautiful and wonderful truth He has revealed to me about who I am in Him, and what I mean to Him. This is especially true in the area of relationships, of which most of us know I have a poor track record. This has caused me to believe a lot of lies about myself and relationships with people in general, and about God's goodness in providing for my heart's desires. In the last year, especially in the last 7 months, God has been so good in taking my painful experiences, and the lies I have believed, and replacing them with the beautiful Truth of what He has to say about my life. It has been so healthy for me, for God to heal me and show me His love and Truth. However, I find that at times, I'm overcome with the occasional lie, which causes me to retreat. I can't even tell you how much I desire God's Truth to be completely present in my life always, so that when I'm with the people I care about the most in my life, I can completely and wholly enjoy my time with them, instead of battling with lies about what they might (but don't) think about me, about who I am in general, etc.

I've also been having some major battles about my role in the church. A lot of times, at least in the last few months, I've battled feeling like I'm overlooked as a leader in the church. This doesn't exactly have to do with title roles, because I generally don't like to be teaching or out in front of a large group of people, unless I can put an instrument in front of me (and then I'm okay). For awhile, I ignored it or just pushed it off as the fact that I was in a "new" church and it would take time. I've been starting to realize what the real reasons are, but after church this morning, and taking some time after that, I think I'm really starting to see that I am, in fact, still a spiritual leader. God uses me, in my humanness, to meet with women and speak through me and use my screw-ups and life experiences in ways that I still and probably never will understand. God has been showing me that I'm struggling in this area because I'm not at everything our church does. If you remember, when I was at BGSU, I was highly involved in the church. I didn't necessarily go to EVERYTHING because at some point school had to take a priority, however, I was able to be involved in a significant number of meetings, hang-outs, and ministries. Here at Kent, there really isn't as much going on, so I feel that I should be able to be at everything. I'm a "plan person," meaning I like to plan ahead, therefore, I usually make plans in advance. I'm discovering the number one reason I am not at nearly as many church events as I'd like to be is that we are never told about things very much in advance. Therefore, when I make plans for other events, trips to home or BGSU, or with other people, it's usually in a space I think is free, but also happens to be when a H2O event is occurring. All that to say, I really need to stop trying to find my identity as a spiritual leader in the amount of events I attend, but instead in the work God is doing in and through my life. I never thought I'd actually struggle with something like that, because over the years at BGSU I got much better about saying "no" to being involved in everything so that I could focus on schoolwork, however, it seems to be something I'm struggling with now. I think the biggest event was deciding to go to Core Retreat or the OMEA Conference. I had decided months ago that I was going to the OMEA Conference next weekend (Jan. 27-29). Then, I found out about Core Retreat last weekend, and, after Matt McClure gave a talk at Worship about stepping out for Christ, I felt like I should drop everything and go to Core Retreat next weekend. I was just sure that's what God wanted me to do. Funny how that works sometimes. In the last 2 days I started making a Pro and Con list, because I wasn't convinced that I needed to drop everything for Core Retreat (if you know me, you know my mother taught me at a young age that you don't just "drop" the plans you made in advance for something that you think is better; it's very hard for me to drop what I already planned for this reason). In the end I found that my BIGGEST reasons for going to Core Retreat were: to see friends from LT, and surprisingly, so that the staff of H2O would see that I'm a leader (since I haven't gone to as many H2O things lately). Well, that's just silly! The biggest reasons for going to the OMEA Conference (in case you're wondering): to bring back new knowledge and answers to questions that will help my undergrad students, to learn something new that will help me teach at the college/university level, to network and meet other teachers from Northeast Ohio, to visit with my family and my sick grandmother. In the end, after prayer and thought, I feel that there's more sound reasoning and it's definitely going to be more beneficial for me to go to Cincinnati. 

I know this seems a lot (oh, and there's probably more) to be swimming around such a small brain, but I think it's important to see some of this stuff. Because I have a BIG GOD, and I believe He's going to do some BIG things through all of this craziness. The road may be tough at times, but I'm always excited to see what God's going to do, how He's going to surprise me, and the blessings He richly and lavishly gives to His children.

And Now For Something a Little Different

Well hey there 2011! It didn't exactly catch me that it was really a "New Year"/2011 until I was on my computer on January 1st, and the computer said "2011." Sure we stayed up until midnight causin' a "ruckus" in the house and having Harry Potter sparkler battles (I WAS hanging out with my sister and some high schoolers, after all), but nothing really felt any different. However, seeing it on my computer made me realize, it's 2011... which means, a NEW year, and a NEW semester (well hello there Spring semester!). With that comes a chance to CHANGE. I believe you can start something new anytime you want, you don't really need a "new year" as an excuse. You can also change anytime you want. However, with a new year and a new semester here, it's a good time to evaluate the last year of life, and the last semester as well. So over the past 2 days, I've taken some time to evaluate where I was, the progression of the last year and semester, where I am, and where I actually want to be/where God wants me to be. Like I said, I believe new things and changes can occur whenever, they don't have to start AS SOON as January 1 hits. So I may start some things right away, and others may be a progression over the next several months or the year.
I also don't believe in "New Year's Resolutions." Most of the time, it's just another broken promise. I generally tend to believe that's because people make their "resolutions" on a whim, without thinking through the pros and cons, and what has to happen in order to achieve that "resolution." They see something on TV, or overhear a friend talking and POOF! I have to do that, too. If you seriously think about it, the majority of the "resolutions" people make are BIG picture goals, i.e. lose # of pounds, not eat ____ food, fix the roof of the house, buy a new car, spend more time with the family, read more books, etc. I think the biggest reason why people never achieve these resolutions or BIG picture goals, is because when making these "resolutions" they don't take into account the small pictures, or steps, it takes in order to achieve the overall goal. Let's take "spend more time with family" as an example. If you just say that, you're left wondering how to do that, so maybe you decide, I'll put off my homework. Without any idea of how to achieve the big, we take the wrong small steps, and eventually give up when it doesn't work. With the right planning, such as, a weekly family game night, eating 3 evening meals together each week, not using the computer between 6-8pm, etc. the big goal has more of a chance of being achieved.
All that being said, I thought about my "resolutions," new things and changes to life that I wanted to see happen. But, I didn't exactly take this lightly. I spent some time praying and reading. After reading through some journals, the Bible, and praying this was the first thing I wrote down:


What do I need to do - what needs to change - for me to follow Christ with more faith, more discipline, more love, more devotion?


Here are some big picture ideas:

1. "Back to the Basics" - read the simple stuff again (Has anyone seen the newest version of The Karate Kid with Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan? That's where I got the following ideas.)
• It's about attitude! do not skip over what you think you already know! 
• The basic message of the Gospel is in everything we do, everything we are.
2. "Spring Clean Continually"
• Block and erase anything questionable from the computer and daily activities
• Always re-evaluate your time management and how time is spent
• Learn to say "no" to unnecessary time commitments that overstep priorities and boundaries
• Assess what's really in your heart and mind - and allow God to touch the deep and clean out the junk
3. "Let it Rain" - healing of the soul
• Open your heart, mind, spirit, soul, and emotions to Christ
• Allow God to bring up the deep and painful things of the past - and be willing to go there with Him for healing that lasts
• Allow God to refresh the soul from its journey in the valleys by taking extended breaks with Him
4. "Pray without Ceasing"
• Be in constant communication with God NO MATTER WHAT! - the good, the bad, temptations, struggles, victories and defeats
• Be in constant prayer for others - God works miracles through prayer.
• "Give thanks, with a grateful heart." 
5. "What Are Others Saying"
• Listen to sermons online
• Take time to read more books
• Be mentored consistently by someone in the church
6. "Sharing is Caring"

                **Why do we tell others about Christ? Why is evangelism important to me?

• Because NO ONE else can love you THIS much with THIS much consistency
• because NOTHING - NOTHING ELSE - can fill what we're searching for - NOTHING ELSE WORKS - nothing else cures, nothing else fills, satisfies, completes - NOTHING ELSE  is ever enough - Christ is the ONLY thing that works!
• For this reason, I need to be more intentional in friendships and relationships. In a dying world, on a campus with tens of THOUSANDS of searching college students - they NEED to know. They long for what fills, satisfies, completes - what cures, what WORKS - what makes them right and whole.

Those are some big pictures goals, followed by either some small steps, or some big goals to go with it. Here are some other small steps, or other goals I have to help improve my quality of life. I believe that NOTHING in life will improve without the above. However, as we all saw last semester, my graduate assistant job became my life by the end of the semester. I was so focused on not failing, that by mid-November I lost focus of everything else in life. The following is a list of goals to help all of me stay healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

• Read AT LEAST one chapter in the Bible each day (started in Romans today, see #1)
• Write in this blog at least once each week
• Starting January 5, 2011 - 1 picture each day for a WHOLE YEAR in my other blog 390:Pictures of Life
• no computer after 10:30PM unless I'm doing schoolwork
• if for schoolwork after 10:30PM ONLY the applications that apply to the homework are going to be used (that means no Facebook and no Skype)
• no university/assistantship work after 8:00PM
• make time - at least 30 minutes each day - to read a book that is NOT a schoolbook or the Bible
• re-read Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia
• Find opportunities to continue K-12 teaching, i.e. private lessons (This is huge right now since I have been, and still am in some ways, very seriously considering dropping grad school for awhile. Finding opportunities to teach kids while working at the university may be a way to stay in school another year and a half without going crazy.)
• Go to the Rec Center AT LEAST 3 times each week (more as a stress reliever than a weight loss plan)
• Have a REAL, TANGIBLE, PHYSICAL budget (I need to get on this NOW!)
• Make use of the Kent Free Library as a study/work space
• Have people over to the apt. at least once each month for a game or movie night
• Become more conscious of what I eat to be a better steward of the body God has given me (Note: this has VERY little to do with weight, and more to do with a firm belief that when Paul states in 1 Corinthians that our bodies are temples of the Most Holy God, and a recognition that this does not just apply to the defilement of our bodies with sexual acts, but also by being gluttonous with how much we eat, and what we eat)

I recognize that in my humanness I will probably fall short at some point in more than one area listed somewhere, and it may happen a lot sooner than I'd like it to. That being said, I also recognize that I belong to Jesus Christ, who has already forgiven me for coming short, and that through Him and His Power alone, I can succeed and come closer to Him.

Here we go, 2011!