So last time, I think we left off somewhere around middle school. Oh joy. In case you're just now joining us, below is the same short disclaimer from the first post about my life. Just so you the rules.
You may ask me questions about my life story, but you may not condemn me or punish me for it. The important thing to remember here is firstly, this is my story. It is my outlook and views on the events in my life, both as perceived by me, and as revealed by God. Second, it's in the past. It's also important to remember that God is continuing to change us, and offers us grace for our screw-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, and failures. That being said, no matter what I share, you should know that I don't regret a single thing that makes up who I am. Because, as God as revealed in His Word, we must be broken in this lifetime in order to make us beautiful in this lifetime, and prepare us for the surpassing beauty we will have in the next life as the Bride of Christ.
So where were we? Oh, yeah. Starting middle school was a rough and interesting experience. This is about the time girls and guys start realizing that the opposite sex probably doesn't have cooties, like they thought when we were in elementary school. That being said, I never really felt pretty enough. I had nerd classes, and I was still the smartest in the class. I was generally looked over, and occassionally made fun of. We also started playing instruments during this time. I wasn't really that great at violin, I was better at clarinet and trumpet, and I actually wanted to play the cello... but somehow, I'm not sure (to this day, I think it was God), I ended up picking violin at the last minute on some sort of a whim. That lead to more teasing by a lot of the guys in our classes... it was great, hearing talks and getting threats to burn my violin (because it's wood, it obviously burns faster than any brass instrument).
During the 5th and 6th grades there was a lot of fighting between my mom, stepdad, and me. A lot of times I would talk about wanting to live with my dad, because we didn't fight. One night my mom tossed a suitcase to me, told me to call my dad, and leave. That was a rather hard experience. Rather abruptly, in 2 weeks, I had moved out of my mom's house and into my dad's, and transferred schools. I went to a school where I only knew the girl across the street, and left behind all of my friends back in Dayton. So now, not only was I "not pretty enough" and "nerdy", I was also alone and the odd one out, because I didn't know anyone or have friends. Around this time, my dad was dating my now stepmom. This was actually exciting; I really liked her and my now 2 older stepbrothers and 1 younger stepsister.
At the end of my 6th grade year, my dad remarried, and we moved from close to downtown away to Mason, where we now live. After this happened, our family went on the youth retreat to Myrtle Beach, SC. My dad was the youth pastor at this time, and my brothers and I were all in the youth group. This was my first youth retreat, and I was one of the youngest ones. At first, I wasn't into going to all the services, and didn't go to the first few. But, after another girl convinced me that they were "cool", I decided I'd go. They actually ended up being a lot of fun, and I understood the message. For most of my life up to this point, I had always thought I'd go to Heaven because my dad was a youth pastor. But, on the Thursday night of this youth retreat, I remember the pastor speaking, and it all sort of clicked. I was this broken, messed up kid that fought with her parents, and cussed like a sailor at school, and generally felt angry all the time, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to erase these things and earn God's love. I wanted to go forward when the preacher gave the first invitation, but of course, was scared of what people would think, so I stayed where I was. Then, the pastor said, "I know some of you are still sitting there, too afraid to get up. I'm going to count to three, and then we'll all stand together, scared, and come forward." He did that, and my brother's best friend went forward. I'm not sure why this was so significant to me, but it was. Then, when he gave another invitation, I went forward and joined a circle of people from our youth group praying, and told God, "I'm am messed up. I need you to forgive me for being so dirty and angry. For cussing all the time, and fighting with my parents. I want to be clean. Please live in me. Make me clean. Love me in spite of all this." After praying, I told our other youth pastor I had accepted Christ, and was immediately dragged over to my father who started hootin' and hollerin' and swinging me around... the exact thing I didn't want to happen. But there it was, I had finally understood Jesus and who He was, and why He really walked on earth. Also during this week, my younger sister and stepdad had accepted Christ and been baptized. My dad baptized me at the end of that summer in a pool during a youth event.
So, I had accepted Christ. I truly understood Him, believed what He did was true and real, and had asked for His forgiveness, mercy, and love upon my life. However, I still didn't know what it looked like to be true disciple and follower of Christ. I would say that I had accepted Him, but wasn't truly following Him until years later.
After 6th grade, I moved back in with my mom, because Mason didn't have an orchestra, something I'd fallen in love with, and to be back with my friends. I also started attended my mom's church more, and my dad's church less, because I was closer in age to most everyone in the youth group there and felt more accepted. It was an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church, whereas my dad's church was Nondenominational, with affiliations to the Cincinnati Baptist Association and Southern Baptist Convention. I'm not knocking denominations, as long as you're doctrinally sound and lining up with God's Word in the Bible, that's what REALLY matters here. At the time, I thought this Indepedent Fundamental thing was where it was. However, I had a hard time understanding the Bible, because they only believed in using the King James Version. I had to go out and get different clothes to hang out with this youth group all the time, because of the belief that girls had to wear skirts all the time to church, and when hanging out, had to have shorts that went past the knees; it seemed like jeans around church for girls was a sin. But, that's where I felt the most comfortable, and like I fit in for the most part. I had friends at church there, something I felt I didn't have as much at my dad's church due to age differences.
The school life. I spent a lot of 7th and 8th grade hanging out with friends, practicing, and locking myself away from my family in my room. I always felt sad, and/or angry, but at the time, couldn't tell you why. My parents began have differences about money and child support, and I was right in the middle of it. At school, I was losing one group of friends I'd had since 5th grade due to popularity, and was starting to make friends with people in the orchestra. It was a lot of change. During the 8th grade, I was getting way involved in my mom's church, had made a lot of friends, and hung out with them all the time. We generally hung out on the weekends, and a lot of events happened on the weekends I was supposed to be with my dad. I was also getting more into colorguard, which had practices and tryouts on the weekends. Many times, I had to give things up, or say no, because it was my "dad's weekend" and I had to go to Cincinnati. I started practicing my violin more and more, and staying locked up in my room a lot when I was at home.
This all came to a breaking point one weekend. I was already upset over the way my friends were treating me or ignoring me, feeling unpretty, ugly, nerdy, and out of place, along with intense feelings of sadness, confusion, and depression I couldn't begin to explain. I felt like it was my fault I didn't have friends, and I felt like it was my fault my parents were fighting. There was a weekend when colorguard tryouts were happening, and our youth group was doing a lot of things I wanted to be a part of. It was a weekend I was supposed to be with my dad. I had called him and asked if I could stay for the weekend to be a part of all this and was met with a stern, "no" multiple times. Finally, I called on Friday night and simply said I wasn't coming down, because I wanted to do this stuff. My mom felt I was old enough to decide what I wanted to do with my weekends (I was 13), but my dad didn't feel the same way. He called a few times and yelled, and then tried to drive up to Dayton to pick me up. My mom talked to him on the phone a few times, and during it all, I locked myself in the basement, turned on some U2 and the Eagles and A Perfect Circle (I was into that stuff back in the day) and did some good old-fashioned AOL chatting with some friends. I started thinking that maybe my friends be better without me; maybe my parents would quit fighting if I wasn't around; I wouldn't have to worry about being pretty enough, or good enough anymore. I had found some pills, and although I still couldn't swallow one yet, was finding ways to get them into my system, but painkillers and motion sickness pills only do so much; they never really numb the pain. So, I decided at this point, suicide was the best option to make everything better. I came up with a plan and everything. It seemed like the only way out. One night, I said all the things I felt like I needed to say to my friends (on good ol' AOL chat of course), and faked being sick the next morning. It almost worked, until right as my mom was walking out the door for work, the phone rang with the school counselor on the other end concerned, because 6 of my friends had shown up in the office worried because I hadn't shown up for school. My mom sent me to my grandma's, and stayed home, and talked to my dad about what was going on. I can't say that things with my parents were perfect after that, but they kept me out of the fighting, and toned it down some after all that.
What really hit me hard happened about 2 months after that. One day while sitting through yet another American History class, the counselor came in and stopped class, to inform us that a girl in our class, a friend I knew, had committed suicide. Watching her closest friend in my class completely fall apart, and seeing our entire 8th grade class so torn up over it really showed me what an impact suicide has on the people you leave behind. Going to the viewing and funeral was really hard, seeing her there, not the Ashley that was full of life like I had known. It was then that I heard God audibly and clearly, possibly for one of the first times, speak. He very clearly pointed out that murdering is a sin, and that to take my own life would be to murder. He also showed me that to commit suicide was one of the most selfish things I could do, because He has a plan and purpose for my life, and gave me gifts to share with others. In that He has a plan and purpose for my life, God also spoke to me that for me to take my own life is a lot like saying that He doesn't have reign and rule over my life, I do. This really struck me hard, and after this, I honestly said that no matter how tough life gets, I NEVER want to plan to kill myself.
Around the same time, I went through another really rough spot with family. Around the time Ashley committed suicide, my grandfather (see
Part 1: In the Beginning for more on him) was doing geneological research in Indiana, and fell, hit his head, and went unconscious. He came around in a day or so, however, this started a long string of him being in the hospital with brain related problems. He saw several neurologists, and went through multiple operations to remove fluid from around his brain, however, the doctors could not explain what was happening. After 2 months of this, he eventually passed away in early May. Even after they did an autopsy, they still couldn't explain what had happened with his brain. They discovered cell-like chambers in and around his brain, where fluid had collected, but the doctors and surgeons had no idea what they were from, or how they formed. His sudden and unexplainable passing really tore through me and my little sister. My grandfather played violin, and was super-excited when I started playing. Even with his arthritis (which made him terribly out of tune), we would still sit and play duets he had collected over the years. He was at every concert and contest, and videotaped them all (except the contests of course, he was pretty bummed that OMEA doesn't allow taping of adjudicated events). I inherited his violin, and at his funeral, I had to play his favorite duet with one of my friends on his violin. I don't even think I made it through the whole piece with out falling apart. It was like everything in the world stopped functioning correctly. Everything "normal" was gone. And, that's partly true, I suppose. I love my grandma, but I don't think she's been the same since my grandpa passed. She didn't have a garden anymore, didn't pick or can apples (even though we offered to pick them for her). The backyard looked sort of empty and lifeless.
My middle school and high school years I feel, with the exception of my junior year of college, were probably some of the darker years of my life. Looking back on middle school and high school (we'll get to that in Part 3, next time) I was angry, sad, confused... and just overall jaded about life. It's honestly amazing to look back and see that I'm still following God today, and that somehow through all of that, and in high school, I didn't just totally turn away and say, "Forget you", to God. I think somewhere inside, I knew that He was who He said He was, and that somehow, some way, some day (I even dreamed about it) I would be redeemed from the mess. That I would have a love for Him like never before. It was down there, somewhere, under the mess. It just took a few more years to find it and believe it.
There you have it. Next Episode: high school, church splits, boys, Jesus, and more! (this will probably be split up into 2 parts because, let's be honest, A LOT of crap happened then)
