You know, when I finally leave the School of Music, when I put away all my homework and readings, when I leave all the work that I have to do behind... I can finally see again why I wanted to teach music. But, it's only after I get rid of all that.
There's something tragic about the Graduate level of Music Education. Once you leave behind the clinical approach to undergraduate study, and enter the graduate world, you enter this entire world of research and philosophy. And honestly, it's a little grotesque. Don't get me wrong, it's great that people want to study and find ways to more efficiently teach children, and to understand why certain things happen in music teaching that may lead to positive or negative effects. But, when I finally remember what it is about music that's so special to me, I can finally see the devastating effects that all of this unbalanced research in my life is having. The majority of what I do right now is read research reports, and philosophical writings about music.
To me, music has a powerful and mysterious quality about it. It frees my soul and opens it up in such a way that I can clearly hear God when He speaks. Music helps to slightly lessen the burden I carry in life. Music speaks the emotions I cannot verbalize (both instrumental and the lyrics to songs). It helps me connect to nature, which are two of the primary ways in which I connect with God (music and nature). This is why I play so many instruments. To express the deep and intense emotions I cannot verbalize, to speak to God in such a way when words just won't do. There's just something about music that gets to me, that God has woven into the core of my being, my DNA.
When trying to explain how constantly reading research and philosophical writings about music education, and having all of my practice time on my instruments vanish before my eyes due to the constant demands of the assistantship and overly large workload, this was the best I could come up with.
Yes, that is from Disney's Cinderella. The original picture I came up with was some beautiful bird having its feathers plucked out one by one... but I think this scene from Cinderella relates more to a person's feelings.
But, I literally feel like I'm dissecting something mysterious and special. Which, when that happens, leaves absolutely no room for mystery. I watched "Next" this past weekend. Look it up, it's pretty good, minus the line he says to Jessica Biel (which first, to Jessica Biel, is gross and ridiculous... they're 20 years apart!) about "It may be a week or a month, or a year, but if you wait, I'll find you." (not the exact words, but close enough to the cheesyness that was used). Anyway, Cage plays a guy that can see 2 minutes in the future, and refuses to help the FBI. When questioned by Biel as to why he's not helping them, he responds by saying that all the mystery would be gone.
"Every once in awhile what we think is magic is the real deal hiding behind a $50 trick, because the alternative is impossible for others to live with."
Although not as closely linked to my argument as the Cinderella analogy, I think music can be somewhat related. I think the only difference is that music is not hiding, it's out there, and we know of its mystery and power tied to our emotions and souls, but it's like we have to prove that it's all science. It's all part of this brain chemical or that reaction... thus reducing the mystery to science. I honestly think that it's impossible for the elitists out there to live with mystery. It's the same with Christianity and our belief of the Bible, God, and Jesus, and the scientist's resolution to prove that every mystery of God is nothing more than a brainwave or chemical reaction (or a Big Bang, in a few cases).
Or my other favorite, in the case of the music elitist, not only do they write all this research, but they have all these philosophical discussions. One of my "favorites", as of late, is the philosophical discussion about what music is and isn't, and the definitions of aesthetic and musical value. Just in case you don't feel like reading all of these, let me summarize for you that the majority ONLY discuss "classical" music (classical is used here to mean any orchestral, band, or choir music). The majority of our music elitist friends never discuss the folk, rock, blues, etc. music played in bars, at county fairs or fruit/vegetable festivals, or on the streets informally. The majority of these informal gatherings, at least this is what I'm sensing and feeling from all of this, are considered "amateur". And, if discussed at all, they seem to be looked down upon, which means they might not be considered "music" by our philosophical music elitist friends.
Funny how that is, because those types of music are probably what the majority of at least the American population comes into contact with than the classical symphonic band, orchestra, or choir. And our incorrectly deemed "amateur" forms of music possibly speak to the human soul just as much and more than the classical symphony at times. Yet, somehow it's either never mentioned or thrown in the "not music" category by the philosophical music elitist.
I think my biggest question, that often goes unanswered and leaves me feeling quite a bit of angst each week as I have to read more philosophy and research articles, is why can't we just be okay with mystery in our lives? Why can't we just appreciate the mystery that exists in our lives, rather than feeling a need to completely dissect it and tear it apart?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lessons from the School of Jesus
Here we go, more rambling on what God is teaching me. Although "rambling" may not be the best word choice for these sorts of posts, it's the best one I can come up with. Reason being that God does not speak when we want Him to, and He does not always give us the answers that we want, when we want them. Therefore, at least as it happens with me, God chooses to speak to me at some of the most unexpected and random times. It's unexpected in the times and events that God chooses to speak to me, but I guess that's when I'm the most open and receptive for Him to speak to me, and for me to hear Him.
It just so happens that a lot of that happened this weekend. This weekend I'm pretty sure I learned that God has changed me more in the last year than I could have possibly realized. In fact, I'm almost positive this is an on-going process, in which I'm going to continue to discover just how much God has changed me in the last year, between my senior year of undergrad at BGSU and my current graduate student status at KSU.
So, this weekend, after my KSU Orchestra dress rehearsal I drove through at least 2 tsunamis (it seemed that way, anyway) to get to BGSU. Okay, how ridiculous is it that after getting on I-75 from I-80, I start crying my eyes out over the familiarity of seeing Perrysburg and... CORNFIELDS! I generally dislike the flat nature of cornfields... but I was CRYING over the FAMILIARITY of seeing CORNFIELDS! This is big. I'm pretty sure this is God. There's no other way I would like cornfields... I'm from Cincinnati... we have trees and hills... similar to this Northeast Ohio thing.
Okay, another weird thing was that I had to allow others to serve me this weekend. For those of you that aren't aware, God has wonderfully gifted me in the area of being passionate about hospitality: opening my home up to others, holding hang-outs/gatherings/fellowship times (really, whatever you want to call them) at my place, feeding people and cooking for them, cleaning. Other than cleaning a little of my own apt. before leaving this weekend, when I got to BGSU I had to allow other people to take over this role. It was a little odd, but I have to say, that on occasion, being on the other end is kind of nice, I guess. I think the sweetest part was seeing other people in H2O step up and take over the role that Sarah and I once had.
And now, to the learning part. While at BGSU this weekend I realized there are a number of things I'm now super-passionate about that, previously, I was so against, I would've fought you to defend how against them I was. Here's a few things:
One of the biggest lessons that I learned last year, and am now re-learning because my sinful, forgetful human self happens to have already forgotten it, is that you can't take things personally when other project their past hurts and pain onto your current relationship with them. For example, last year, I can remember having a few conversations at Grounds in BG with my mentor, the amazing Jill Beebe, about my cooperating teacher's general attitude toward me. She discussed with me how it is possible for a person to have been hurt in the past and project that onto how they interact and treat you. I think this summer, through talking and discussing Theophostics with the amazing Macie Gonzalez, I better understood how this happens, through seeing what that looks like in my own life, and that I am just as much at fault for these things as well.
Currently, I am in a class and am working as a graduate assistant for a professor in which many of the same things are occurring. And, while pointing out at length with several people the striking similarities between the way my cooperating teacher treated me, and the way this professor treats and interacts with me, I never took the time to see that the same issues (the projection of past pains and hurts) could be the reason for my problems with this professor. Being in BGSU this weekend reminded me of all the pain I went through with my cooperating teacher last year, and gave me time to seek God out and allow Him to speak to me about these two relationships. It was in God speaking me, that He reminded me that we often allow our past experiences to dictate our emotions and reactions in our present relationships. Between this and Rob Warren's message on Sunday (their would be a link here to it, if H2O was up on posting the messages/talks) about Matthew 7:1-6 and how we need to let go of our pride and condemnation of others, that I honestly was able to let go and see these teachers as human beings with pain, hurt, and feelings. God reminded me that He loves these individuals, no matter how they treat others, and that Jesus died for them, too. Once I saw this, and realized it, my attitude has completely changed. I may not like the class I'm in, or the work I do associated with this professor, but I am called to continually forgive each and every time something happens, and to love this person. It's definitely going to be hard, especially because I am a young, sinful, and forgetful human... but it's definitely something I want to be better at, with the help of God.
Another huge lesson I'm learning is concerning confidence in myself. A few years ago, during my first year of LT, with the help of Jesus and Andrew Bruner allowing God to use him, I regained confidence in myself as a musician. However, because I am a musician (and a violinist at that!), I am often a very performance-driven person. I try to condemn myself, and make promises that I'll fix things, do things, etc. before anyone else can condemn me, or write me off as a failure. However, oftentimes I'm finding that I'm usually the only one writing myself off as a failure, as under-performing, under-achieving, missing the mark, messing things up, etc. This is probably most evident in the fact that I go to the professors I'm working for constantly apologizing for not doing enough or something, and then, instead of hearing the words of condemnation I'm expecting, I hear words of encouragement and praise for doing the amount of work I am doing, for taking extra time and care to make sure things are organized, done well, recorded efficiently, and for caring about the students I work with (according to the professors, more than I probably should). In Rob's message this weekend about attitude he asked the questions, "How does God see you? What has He done for you on the Cross?" and then pointed out, "We forget that we don't have to stand condemned. No one does." Of course, the last remark was made in reference to how much we tend to judge and condemn others, forgetting that because of the Cross, no one has to stand condemned, therefore, we should help others, rather than condemning them. Well, I think that about seals it for my own self-condemnation. Of course, I should expect some conviction if I'm under-performing, but if you've talked to me even once in the last 2 months, I'm pretty sure under-performing is the last thing I'm doing. Learning that I can be confident that I am continually learning, even if that means learning from mistakes, and that I can have confidence that God has redeemed me and has pardoned me and granted me mercy and forgiveness for my mistakes is huge! I'd like to imagine what life would be like if I could continually remember these things, but I can't! All I can think is, if I were to continually remember these things in everything I did, I would probably feel a lot freer. I think sometimes I like to put myself back in chains, secretly. However, God's taken those chains off, and freed me, and maybe if I lived that way, I could experience the complete freedom God has given me in Christ.
One last thing God MAJORLY spoke about this weekend. As some of you may know, I have been praying about whether or not God is leading and calling me toward GCM Staff. This weekend, God has said that as I am praying about this, and listening to Him, that the lessons He has and wants to teach me through my experiences in graduate school are important in training me for the potential of GCM Staff. The things He has to teach me, and what He wants to change in my life, are things that would otherwise hinder me from working with other staff and students full-time, and even in the support-raising process. He is refining me in the fire, to get out all the impurities. Because I have at least a year and a half, before I would start down the road of applying for GCM Staff and preparing for that, I am still praying about this, because it is such a major decision. I am praying for God to speak clearly, give me an insatiable desire and passion for this, and to refine this calling in the next 7-8 months of the school year. My hope and prayer is that by next fall I will have a clear and refined calling, and will then start the process of meeting more frequently with H2O staff and talking more to my parents about this. Currently, my parents just want me to stay in graduate school and finish, so the plan is to talk to them about post-graduate options closer to the time I actually graduate. That, and I want to be completely sure of God's refined and definite calling to GCM Staff before presenting it to them.
Anyway, there's probably a lot more I could ramble on about right now, however, these are some of the big and major lessons God has taught me in the last week, and especially during this weekend.
It just so happens that a lot of that happened this weekend. This weekend I'm pretty sure I learned that God has changed me more in the last year than I could have possibly realized. In fact, I'm almost positive this is an on-going process, in which I'm going to continue to discover just how much God has changed me in the last year, between my senior year of undergrad at BGSU and my current graduate student status at KSU.
So, this weekend, after my KSU Orchestra dress rehearsal I drove through at least 2 tsunamis (it seemed that way, anyway) to get to BGSU. Okay, how ridiculous is it that after getting on I-75 from I-80, I start crying my eyes out over the familiarity of seeing Perrysburg and... CORNFIELDS! I generally dislike the flat nature of cornfields... but I was CRYING over the FAMILIARITY of seeing CORNFIELDS! This is big. I'm pretty sure this is God. There's no other way I would like cornfields... I'm from Cincinnati... we have trees and hills... similar to this Northeast Ohio thing.
Okay, another weird thing was that I had to allow others to serve me this weekend. For those of you that aren't aware, God has wonderfully gifted me in the area of being passionate about hospitality: opening my home up to others, holding hang-outs/gatherings/fellowship times (really, whatever you want to call them) at my place, feeding people and cooking for them, cleaning. Other than cleaning a little of my own apt. before leaving this weekend, when I got to BGSU I had to allow other people to take over this role. It was a little odd, but I have to say, that on occasion, being on the other end is kind of nice, I guess. I think the sweetest part was seeing other people in H2O step up and take over the role that Sarah and I once had.
 |
| Me, Sarah, and Jasmine at Taco Bell on some random Night of Mayhem we planned last year. |
And now, to the learning part. While at BGSU this weekend I realized there are a number of things I'm now super-passionate about that, previously, I was so against, I would've fought you to defend how against them I was. Here's a few things:
- Cornfields (as previously discussed)
- Small town living (well, as long as it's near a city... like BG is near Toledo)
- Women's Ministry
- GCM Staff (these last two have previously been discussed in other blogs)
- Friendships outside of my comfort zone
- Getting to know new people, and taking initiative to meet people
One of the biggest lessons that I learned last year, and am now re-learning because my sinful, forgetful human self happens to have already forgotten it, is that you can't take things personally when other project their past hurts and pain onto your current relationship with them. For example, last year, I can remember having a few conversations at Grounds in BG with my mentor, the amazing Jill Beebe, about my cooperating teacher's general attitude toward me. She discussed with me how it is possible for a person to have been hurt in the past and project that onto how they interact and treat you. I think this summer, through talking and discussing Theophostics with the amazing Macie Gonzalez, I better understood how this happens, through seeing what that looks like in my own life, and that I am just as much at fault for these things as well.
Currently, I am in a class and am working as a graduate assistant for a professor in which many of the same things are occurring. And, while pointing out at length with several people the striking similarities between the way my cooperating teacher treated me, and the way this professor treats and interacts with me, I never took the time to see that the same issues (the projection of past pains and hurts) could be the reason for my problems with this professor. Being in BGSU this weekend reminded me of all the pain I went through with my cooperating teacher last year, and gave me time to seek God out and allow Him to speak to me about these two relationships. It was in God speaking me, that He reminded me that we often allow our past experiences to dictate our emotions and reactions in our present relationships. Between this and Rob Warren's message on Sunday (their would be a link here to it, if H2O was up on posting the messages/talks) about Matthew 7:1-6 and how we need to let go of our pride and condemnation of others, that I honestly was able to let go and see these teachers as human beings with pain, hurt, and feelings. God reminded me that He loves these individuals, no matter how they treat others, and that Jesus died for them, too. Once I saw this, and realized it, my attitude has completely changed. I may not like the class I'm in, or the work I do associated with this professor, but I am called to continually forgive each and every time something happens, and to love this person. It's definitely going to be hard, especially because I am a young, sinful, and forgetful human... but it's definitely something I want to be better at, with the help of God.
Another huge lesson I'm learning is concerning confidence in myself. A few years ago, during my first year of LT, with the help of Jesus and Andrew Bruner allowing God to use him, I regained confidence in myself as a musician. However, because I am a musician (and a violinist at that!), I am often a very performance-driven person. I try to condemn myself, and make promises that I'll fix things, do things, etc. before anyone else can condemn me, or write me off as a failure. However, oftentimes I'm finding that I'm usually the only one writing myself off as a failure, as under-performing, under-achieving, missing the mark, messing things up, etc. This is probably most evident in the fact that I go to the professors I'm working for constantly apologizing for not doing enough or something, and then, instead of hearing the words of condemnation I'm expecting, I hear words of encouragement and praise for doing the amount of work I am doing, for taking extra time and care to make sure things are organized, done well, recorded efficiently, and for caring about the students I work with (according to the professors, more than I probably should). In Rob's message this weekend about attitude he asked the questions, "How does God see you? What has He done for you on the Cross?" and then pointed out, "We forget that we don't have to stand condemned. No one does." Of course, the last remark was made in reference to how much we tend to judge and condemn others, forgetting that because of the Cross, no one has to stand condemned, therefore, we should help others, rather than condemning them. Well, I think that about seals it for my own self-condemnation. Of course, I should expect some conviction if I'm under-performing, but if you've talked to me even once in the last 2 months, I'm pretty sure under-performing is the last thing I'm doing. Learning that I can be confident that I am continually learning, even if that means learning from mistakes, and that I can have confidence that God has redeemed me and has pardoned me and granted me mercy and forgiveness for my mistakes is huge! I'd like to imagine what life would be like if I could continually remember these things, but I can't! All I can think is, if I were to continually remember these things in everything I did, I would probably feel a lot freer. I think sometimes I like to put myself back in chains, secretly. However, God's taken those chains off, and freed me, and maybe if I lived that way, I could experience the complete freedom God has given me in Christ.
One last thing God MAJORLY spoke about this weekend. As some of you may know, I have been praying about whether or not God is leading and calling me toward GCM Staff. This weekend, God has said that as I am praying about this, and listening to Him, that the lessons He has and wants to teach me through my experiences in graduate school are important in training me for the potential of GCM Staff. The things He has to teach me, and what He wants to change in my life, are things that would otherwise hinder me from working with other staff and students full-time, and even in the support-raising process. He is refining me in the fire, to get out all the impurities. Because I have at least a year and a half, before I would start down the road of applying for GCM Staff and preparing for that, I am still praying about this, because it is such a major decision. I am praying for God to speak clearly, give me an insatiable desire and passion for this, and to refine this calling in the next 7-8 months of the school year. My hope and prayer is that by next fall I will have a clear and refined calling, and will then start the process of meeting more frequently with H2O staff and talking more to my parents about this. Currently, my parents just want me to stay in graduate school and finish, so the plan is to talk to them about post-graduate options closer to the time I actually graduate. That, and I want to be completely sure of God's refined and definite calling to GCM Staff before presenting it to them.
Anyway, there's probably a lot more I could ramble on about right now, however, these are some of the big and major lessons God has taught me in the last week, and especially during this weekend.
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