In general, sometimes I find it really hard to believe in the unconditional love of human beings. I think I've felt this way from the time I was a little girl; the only difference being that today I am experiencing God's unconditional love, therefore I know that if someone is completely lost in His love, unconditional love is possible. From the time I was little, after my parents' divorce, I think anytime they got upset and angry, or were cross with me, anytime I did something wrong and was punished, I thought they didn't love me anymore. That even rang true up through the last few years as well; when we would get into fights I felt like I was more a burden than anything to them. Then, there were my friends when I was younger. There "love" was completely conditional; I was only wanted when it was convenient, when nothing or no one better could be found. Anytime I got into a fight with a friend, I knew I was no longer loved. Every time a fight occurred, my friends and I wouldn't speak to each other for days; there was a lot of whispering behind my back, mean words were said, then eventually it'd all be over and we'd go back to being friends. They seemed to think everything was normal again, but I was always walking on eggshells, trying to understand what I had to do to make up for it, what I could do to re-gain their friendship and "love". Whether with family or friends, anytime something happens, I feel like I'm a burden, probably unwanted, and that I need to DO something to make up for... to earn love again.
I know I definitely used to feel that way about God. The unfortunate thing about aging (well, there's a lot of unfortunate things, but one of them...) is that the sins we commit become more complicated (not worse, for God says all sin is equal, meaning there is no hierarchy). When that happens, even in the recent years, I've definitely had my share of times where I've made my promises to God, I've cried and asked Him what I need to do to make it up, I've strived harder and harder to be cleaner. Which usually just results in me falling on my face in the mud again.
We can't ever "earn" love. Not God's, not man's. First, and most importantly, God clearly says there's nothing we can do to "earn" His love. We already have it, if we only reach out and take His gift of free and eternal love. Second, if we ever think that we have "earned" another human's love, or are told we have, we should be super-wary of it. Love is a gift, one that cannot be earned. If we've ever "earned" another's love, it's only counterfeit, and not the real thing. The real thing is a free gift bestowed to us. We cannot truly understand FREE LOVE until we understand God's love for us.
Knowing this, in life we really do "teach as much of what we know as who we are". In every interaction with another human, every conversation, every time we're with our friends and family. We as humans, though we use the word "objectively" quite liberally, cannot do much of anything "objectively". Sure, maybe with an open and receptive mind, but I feel that to be completely "objective" one would have to completely flush his own experiences, values, beliefs, Truths and lies from his heart and mind. We bring our experiences to the table in our interactions with each other, in everything we do. Sure, we may say one thing, but more often than not, our actions and nonverbal cues will give away what we are really thinking, what we really believe.
This is really important to the conduct of our daily lives. But, it is also important in how we perceive others. Let's say I'm in a conversation with someone and they keep giving me one-word answers, and are short with me. As I said before, I've struggled with fully knowing and understanding that I can be unconditionally loved by another human being. That being said, if I don't understand the "free love" of God, and that we also "teach who we are", when someone is short with me, or sends me a message in which I perceive annoyance, I will more than likely wonder what I did wrong to that person, and question our relationship. However, if I DO understand these things, then I understand that it's possible that in the above conversation I may have touched a spot of unresolved conflict, a lie of the devil that has not been replaced with the Loving Truth of Christ, etc., which may have elicited the short answers, and negative attitude. I am seeing this person with the open eyes of Christ, and understanding that they are not personally attacking me or out to withhold their love from me as a punishment, but are instead reacting in pain.
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| Unconditional love is: opening up your heart and life and handing over your trust to 20 strangers just after meeting them, then spending your entire summer with them. |
While I still at times struggle with knowing I am unconditionally loved by humans, I am coming to understand it more and more each day through Christ. As Christ shows me time and again that he doesn't care what I was or what I did or what happened in my past, I am coming closer to understanding that those who truly love me also do not and will not care about who I was, only who I am, and who I will be, and Christ continues to mold and shape me. That has been big fear of mine: that one day I will tell someone truly close to me who I was before Christ cleansed me, and will only be seen for who I was, not who I am now, or who God is creating me to be, and then that person will walk away from me. But, God has been showing me what unconditional love really is, slowly, day by day. Helping me to understand that after setting my trust firmly in Christ, that I next have to open myself up to trust others with my fragile heart and life, and that if others do not love me unconditionally, that it is because they are looking through their own experiences, rather than through Christ.
